Stick It To Me

I attended the IVF injection class last week and am feeling quite ready to start, but (thank God) we're waiting for insurance authorization, so will wait until next cycle. 

The Hubby and I attended an injection class previously for our IUI cycles, but since it was at a different clinic we had to repeat the class. I went in feeling like it would be a bit of a waste of time since I had already been giving injections to myself and because I am a Nurse, but I am so happy they made me go.

Whenever I am in a room full of other infertiles, people who have tried everything under the sun to make a baby, I remember that there is simply nothing I could have done differently to prevent this. 

I have always prided myself on being a pretty healthy person. I eat well, exercise regularly, and take good care of my body is general. I thought I had good genes. 

And then I couldn't make a baby.

And that made me feel like my body was not the glorious, healthy thing that I had always thought it to be. I dove in head first to alternative therapies; I pretty much stopped doing anything that would potentially screw up my body chemistry. But it didn't work. 

For some reason, sitting in a room of such diverse people, but also people who look just like me, makes me feel a little bit better. It has nothing to do with how healthy or unhealthy I am. For some reason, my body isn't making a baby the natural way. But neither are all of these people's bodies. They look healthy, vibrant, smart, and and frankly...like people with good baby-making skills. And they don't have a baby either. 

The Hubby couldn't attend the class, so I flew solo, but took impeccable notes so I can be sure that he shoots me up the right way! 

I learned a lot about the different meds I will be on, the side effects, and for how long I will be taking each. Most of the information was not new, but hearing it again really made it sink in. We are doing this...and it is not going to be easy. I have read so many bloggers' journeys, but never really thought about how big a deal this is. Yes I've injected myself with some meds, but never so many! And those progesterone shots? For up to twelve weeks?! Wowzers! 

I'm planning on taking some time off work for the cycle because I have so much sick time and feel like being work free for a week or two will do me good in more ways than one. I haven't quite figured out the timing of my time off. Any suggestions from those of you that have done this? When would be the best time to be off? Will it drive me crazy not working in the 2 week wait? 

Then the logistics of potentially giving myself progesterone shots in the butt...has anyone done this? There is a very good chance My Hubs will be out of the country on business for 2 of the weeks after the transfer and I'm not looking forward to it at all! Maybe I'll recruit a coworker to jab me in the ass. 

Overall, I'm both terrified and so excited that we will be moving forward very, very soon! If all goes well with insurance, hopefully in just under 4 weeks :)

Any other advice? Diet modifications? Circle and Bloom CDs? What worked for you? What didn't?

My thanks are late

This Thanksgiving season left me feeling very thankful. 

And no, I'm not pregnant. 

This has been a very big year for us including many "woe is me" moments, many heart-to-hearts with the Hubby, many medications and procedures, and many, many tears. More than once I have asked myself "why me?" and I have grappled with making sense of this. 

I have always struggled with the "Everything happens for a reason" mantra, but in the past I still used the phrase a lot to explain things that happened. Maybe it made me feel better. Maybe I just said it to say something when things weren't going my way. But the thing is, things did go my way 99% of the time. I was one of those lucky ones that things just seemed to work out for. I had a plan for my life and my life followed suit.

Then infertility rocked my world.

But because everything in my past pointed to it,  I still thought that everything would work out...it would just take a little time, right? It has not taken a little time. And as of yet, it has not all worked out the way I planned. 

A fellow blogger posted her thoughts on "Everything happens for a reason" and it rang so, so true. 

Everything happens. It just does.

And it sure does. It's happening, and I'm just along for the ride. 

Maybe there is no good reason that all of this is happening to two nice people. 

Maybe it's not meant to teach us some grand life lesson. 

Maybe it's just the way the cookie is going to crumble. 

But the thing is, it has taught me quite a bit. It's taught me many lessons that I would have been okay not ever learning, but here I am, learning the lessons anyway because I have no choice.

One year ago was what I consider one of my lowest points. 

The day after Thanksgiving last year I was filled with jealousy and rage and sadness, and not a trace of thankfulness survived past that turkey dinner.

This Thanksgiving I spent a lot of time thinking about the previous year's Thanksgiving and marveling that despite the unfortunate fact that nothing much has changed, my uterus is still quite empty, I am in a completely different place than I was just one year ago. I have grown, I have survived. And that makes me thankful.

I also did not get my period on Thanksgiving, and that made me thankful!

Incidentally, I started spotting the next day...oh well.

I don't know where this journey is leading me and I know there will be many more rough days, but while I am not thankful for the situation, I am thankful for the growth and the lessons learned. I will come out of this a stronger and more resilient person...if not slightly jaded :)

Nothing and Everything is Happening

So, so much has happened in my life in the last month or two. So much. We sold our condo, bought a new (old) house, and moved. I do not recommend moving to anyone. I had forgotten how much work it is! Glad to be done with that!

Despite the busyness, nothing is happening in my uterus quite yet.

Now that the septum is out and I'm primed for baby-making, I am pretty ready to get this show on the road! We decided to wait until January to start IVF even though I am chomping at the bit. There are several reasons that all make perfect sense, so now we wait. 

I am not one to be easily stressed and usually am quite a calm person, but the house sale and buying process had me beyond stressed and completely emotionally and physically exhausted. Not conducive to starting IVF and stressing my body even more.

Additionally, after looking into my Husband's insurance plans, it looks like there might be a slight chance that some of the IVF and/or the medications will be covered after I am added to his plan in January. I wish that they could guarantee coverage of some sort, but no details can be disclosed until I'm on the plan and they can review our charts. Humph. So we're sucking up the high insurance premiums to add me to his plan and hoping that it all pays off. Any coverage is better than the zero infertility coverage of my plan, so feeling very blessed to have it! So January it is. 

And...let's not forget that I am hoping beyond hope that now that this uterine septum business is cleared up that we will naturally conceive. Ha. 

I know it is such a long shot, but hope is a powerful, powerful thing. It creeps in there when you least expect it and really makes itself at home. 

I just wish I could stop this symptom-spotting stuff---it's driving. Me. Crazy! 

I am not tracking my ovulation or temping, but I did pay pretty close attention to my cervical mucus which points to ovulation early on day 12 or so. Then a few days later I had a one time spot with wiping. If the dates weren't so wonky I would be convinced that it was implantation bleeding. Since then I have been a whack job. When it comes down to it, I have absolutely no symptoms...but it sure doesn't stop me from searching for them! Ay!

One more cycle and we'll be starting the prep! I'm cautiously excited, ready to start but nervous at the same time. It has been almost exactly one year since we enrolled in the IUI study and since I've had this much excitement and hope. 13 has always been my lucky number, so lucky 2013 it is!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Now my uterus if extra empty

That's right folks, my uterus is approximately 40% emptier. 

Septum out to make way for baby to go in!

The surgery was Monday and rather uneventful, but maybe a tad bit more uncomfortable than I imagined and the recovery more of a recovery that I anticipated. Even though it is very minor surgery, my body was pretty exhausted and definitely required me to lay low for the rest of the week.

When I arrived at the surgery center, the first line of business was sedation and pain control. I popped a couple valium and some narcotics and the nurse worked on getting my IV in. It was my first IV on this end as I've started many but never had one myself! Despite the big, whopping veins that I have (or at least compared to the veins on the babies I start IVs on!) it took two tries. No big deal for me, but the Hubby's face was priceless watching her dig around. 

Then it was in to the surgery suite. My RE was the surgeon and I felt like I got to know him a little better and definitely feel he will be a good fit for us in our IVF journey. After he stepped out the two nurses also raved about him, his "bedside manner", and said that they recommend him to their friends out of all the doctors at the clinic. 

For the most part, the surgery itself was not uncomfortable. There was definitely quite a bit of pressure and cramping when they first filled my uterus with fluid, but any time I felt any discomfort the nurses gave me more medicine. The feeling of cramping pressure brought back memories of the HSG and sonohysterogram...yuck. 

I think I have a delayed response to sedation because I was awfully aware of everything that was going on the whole time! It was kind of fun (maybe not the right word?) to be able to watch it all happen on the big screen next to me!  I watched the fibrous tissue get cut away to reveal a big, well-perfused uterus! 

Based on my last ultrasound he had estimated that the septum was taking up about 25% of my uterus, but after getting in there he said it was more like 40%. I'm so happy to have that out of there! 

When I got home I immediately fell asleep...the sedation finally kicked in!

But then the Hubs and I had to make our way around the city in search of a pharmacy that had estradiol. Apparently there is a national shortage. Great. Luckily I had a few days supply passed on to me from a fellow blogger Jules :) Phew!

I was back at work the next day, but in hind site I probably should have taken a day to just relax because by the end of the day I was bleeding a lot and it felt like my uterus was going to fall out.

I took note and have taken it very easy for the rest of the week. 

 Follow up appointment is in another week, uterine healing for 30 days and then we should be on our way to getting this empty uterus filled with baby.

Thank you for all the well wishes and support. Very few people in my everyday life know anything of what is happening in our life, so reading your comments and reading along on your journeys has made this all a little bit easier.

Where is my money tree?

First off, let me just say, there are some exciting things happening in my world.

But holy moly are we hemorrhaging money.

It is practically spewing out of our savings account. Spewing.

We bought a house! You know the saying from Field of Dreams, "If you build it, they will come"? Yeah, we're banking on that. We may not technically have built it, but I'm still hoping they come! 

We will now have an actual bedroom for our future baby, so I am so excited about that, but it is also a very scary feeling to be suddenly so broke before even starting IVF!

Yesterday was supposed to be the day I had my uterine septum removed, but nothing goes as planned. Nothing. 

Friday afternoon I got a call from the RE. They had just gotten word from the insurance company who decided that a uterine septum removal is not indicated except for people with fertility issues. So the whole surgery will be paid for out of my less-than-bulging wallet. Super. 

This news came the day after our offer on the house was accepted, so I decided to postpone the surgery until October 1st so we could figure out how to pay for it. I am so, so disappointed, but I also don't think having an invasive procedure when extremely stressed is the best idea. 

We did entertain the option of not having the surgery, but facing a higher risk of miscarriage is not a risk we can take, no matter what it ends up costing us.

I just feel like we are never going to get there. Sigh.

I hate insurance companies.

Meanwhile, here I wait...on the pill. It's like an infertile's nightmare :)

But we just had a fantastic trip to Kauai!

We are buying a house that our family can grow into.

And I received a little package in the mail yesterday from Jules at The Road Less Traveled with the leftover meds from her IVF cycle! It made my week! 

So life could be worse :)

Easier Said Than Done

This Summer has been a whirlwind, to say the least. 

I am struggling to just get to work in addition to getting "life" done. Summer has always been my favorite time of the year, but this year I feel like I haven't been able to enjoy and kick back like I love to do. We are jetting off to Kauai tomorrow morning to celebrate my 30 years on earth and I am SO. EXCITED. More like...SOOOO EXCITED!!!
We struggled with what to do because clearly, as we get ready to pursue IVF, a vacation is not the most financially responsible option. But Hubby convinced me that I only get to turn 30 once and after much arm twisting, I agreed :)

I am hoping for some serious relaxation (oxymoron!) and to soak up some uninterrupted one-on-one time with my main squeeze. 

On the baby-making front, we are getting ramped up for IVF. 

I will have my hysteroscopic uterine septum removal sometime in mid-late September and then will have to be on estrogen for about one month to allow for healing.

In the meantime, the RE started me on synthroid for a borderline high TSH level. From what I have read, my level is considered normal, but in pregnancy it should be lower so starting now ensures that my level is stable before I grow a baby. So far so good there, haven't had any issues. 

If all goes on schedule, we should be making embryos before the New Year. 

The hardest part for me now is adjusting my mindset. I always assumed I would go into IVF still trying to get pregnant every cycle and maybe, just maybe we would luck out and get pregnant first. 

Now that is taken off the table. I will be on birth control until we start, so no matter how hard we try, we're not going to make a baby naturally.

I found this quote on a greeting card at the bookstore and now have it hanging on my fridge as a reminder:

Slow Down

Calm Down

Don't Worry

Don't Hurry

Trust the Process

Easier said than done, but a useful reminder nonetheless. 

P.S. The irony of my blog title is making me giggle...apparently my uterus is not as empty as I thought, just not occupied with what I wish it was! Septum out, baby in!

On the Pill

I went in for my IVF consult last week and ended up being prescribed birth control pills. And not for IVF prep either. 

I have had too many ultrasounds to count so I really didn't think much when the wand came out. 

Ovaries, check.

Follicles, yup!

Uterus, still there!

But then the Dr. pointed out a little white strip in the center and said, "we'll talk about that later".

Hmm. 

Once I was fully clothed and out of the stirrups, we met back in his office to discuss what we thought would be our future IVF course. Not quite.

Apparently I have a uterine septum. I have never heard of it, but it's been there my whole life. And causes lots of miscarriages. And needs to come out before IVF. 

After lots and lots of internet research, it does indeed seem like a good idea to take it out, but it doesn't make this any better. We are looking at postponing IVF until 2013 because of the surgery, recovery, and holiday season. 

Part of me is really sad about it and part of me is okay. I want a baby yesterday, not next year! At the same time, we're really busy through the Fall and have to buy a new house AND move in the next couple of months. 

I'm mostly sad because I feel like, again, my body has betrayed me. Nothing about this experience is going to go as I wanted it to, and for a control freak like me, that is really scary. 

I have so many mixed emotions right now. 

I'm even having thoughts that maybe all of this was a blessing in disguise, I think it would have been even harder to have been pregnant and miscarried multiple times like often happens with a uterine septum. And even though the doctor and most research doesn't suggest it, maybe this is what has been keeping me from getting pregnant in the first place?

I don't know, I just wish things were different.

What a Day

Yesterday was one of those days. 

The Hubs and I went to his company picnic and we both realized pretty quickly that it wasn't the best idea. Kids, kids kids and a party geared towards...you guessed it: kids! 

The kids were not the part that bothered me. There were adorable little munchkins having the time of their lives everywhere and it was fun just watching.

What bothered me was that everyone asked us when we were having kids and through out comments like, "Just enjoy this now, in a few years you'll be stuck at the bouncy house all day". 

Ugh. 

None of his coworkers have any idea what we've been going through for the last two years, but it was the last thing I wanted to talk about as I watched their little ones frolic around. 

Half way through the picnic The Hubby logged on to Facebook to check someone's name and the first thing he saw was a friend's posting "We are expecting! Ten weeks pregnant and due in February! Etc, etc, etc..." The non-jealous type that he is kindly said, "Wow, did you know A is pregnant? That's great for them." Pause. "Ten weeks...wow. Didn't they just get married in April? How exciting." 

It's almost worse to watch his sadness than it is to deal with my own. Especially when I see how hard he tries to be genuinely happy for other people.

This morning Hubs is off on a quick business trip and I can't shake this melancholy feeling. 

12 DPO, I'm sure PMS has a little something to do with it :)

But! IVF consult on Wednesday! Can't wait to start this next step!

A whole lotta' nothing

I have been quite quite on the blogging lately, mostly because nothing is happening. 

Sometimes I think something is happening, but then we're left where we started.

Of note: The husband was diagnosed with a varicocele. The jury is out on whether it is impacting our baby-making, but I think yes. Meanwhile, he had his best semen analysis to date, so who knows...no surgery for now and everyone agrees that IVF is our best bet.

Currently we wait for insurance authorization for the IVF consultation. I'm not quite sure why the process takes so long and they pay so little, but I guess anything they cover is better than nothing, right?!

I'm guessing we'll start sometime in the early Fall, so now I'm starting to think about how many embryos to transfer if we have the choice to do more than one. The RE I chose is big into single embryo transfer for someone of my age, but part of me thinks if the odds are better with two, why wouldn't we do that? But then the NICU nurse in me slaps myself. Talk about an internal dilemma!

I'm also looking into endometriosis. I don't necessarily have any symptoms but my last RE mentioned that an exploratory lap to rule it out might not be a bad idea. Seems a little invasive...

I might try some diet modifications and see what acupuncture can do for me, just in case.

Any thoughts?

Sensitive

Apparently I have a *delicate* system. Great.

Cycle day 16 and I've been spotting for 4 days. No ovulation? What?

I checked in with my RE who said my body is probably just trying to get itself back together after 4 cycles of Menopur and encouraged ovulation. "Some people's systems are just more sensitive than others."

She also suggested that I take a pregnancy test...just in case. Maybe my beta was too early and I'm having pregnancy spotting? No such luck.

Even though the Hubby and I decided to not "try" I was still secretly OPKing because I'm a control freak like that and was excited that I would ovulate before he left for his business trip. Hey, maybe the 19th month would be THE ONE!

This is my plan being thrown out the window. 

I think the universe is either telling me that it's time to give up this control thing. Or maybe it's telling me that I should spend an exorbitant amount of money on IVF.  Dunno.

A loss for words

It's been quite a while since I posted even though I've sat here several times to start and then...

nothing.

That's kind of how I feel right now: nothing to say, feeling...nothing.

This cycle was a big, fat bust. 

1 egg, 1 million post-wash sperm. Could have made 1 baby, but did not. 

Despite my desperate attempt at staying completely positive for our last IUI, when my RE came in with the sperm even SHE was disappointed and without much hope. 

So I changed from optimistic to realistic and hoped that like my RE said, "maybe this would all make for a really good story someday."

Now I start another cycle wondering what the future holds for us.

My Mom suggested waiting to pursue IVF for a while until we were a little less busy. At first the idea seemed all bad because after waiting all this time, I'm kind of ready to get this show on the road! But after thinking it over with my logical hat on :), I actually think that we actually might not have time to do IVF this Summer. As crazy as that sounds, I don't think I can pencil it into my calendar anywhere between the 3 weddings, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, the Hubby's business trip, and eating and sleeping. Good grief, it's going to be a busy few months!

So we wait.

Back to temperature checks and OPKs? Or maybe we really take a break and completely stop "trying"? Could I even do that? I might be a little too type A...

I see my RE on Wednesday and will discuss our options for the Summer and beyond. 

For now, I'm hoping that I can feel a little bit of something instead of lumping around like I have been. Maybe a little break will do me some good, bring back some of me.

I will be positive

I have been MIA lately in an attempt to harness all of my positive energy into making a baby this cycle. I have still been reading all of your posts, but have been both too busy to blog myself and also at a loss for what to say. I've been talking lots of good thoughts to myself like a crazy woman, but feel like I don't have much to say otherwise. Probably because my mind is so preoccupied with all those IF thoughts and also struggling to keep the negative ones at bay. It's a lot of work!

Today is CD 10 and I had my routine blood work and ultrasound to check up on all those follies growing! 

And then there was one. 

Yes, for the second month in a row my body has decided that it is best to ovulate one egg, despite my best efforts to make it triple that. Talk about being at a loss for words. Instead I cried. 

I cried because I feel like my body is betraying me and I can't help but be pissed off. 

I cried because I wish that I would have at least had too many follicle so they could cancel the cycle and I could try again next month. Instead we'll go through the motions of one last IUI that has no better chance of working than if we were to just have sex. At least sex is fun!

And mostly I cried because I feel like all the positive thoughts in the world will not change the fact that we can't get pregnant naturally and now we are having trouble getting pregnant unnaturally too.

I'm still saying my "stay positive" mantra, but I think today I'm going to wallow in my self-pity and sadness just a little bit, mostly because I don't think I have a choice. The tears gates are open wide and there's no shutting them now.

ICLW and NIAW

I'm talking about some new TTC abbreviations to be added to the list (the LOOOONG list) of abbreviations that the infertility community embraces. I remember when I first started googling fertility questions...I needed a special dictionary! Now I speak the language, much too fluently :)

These two abbreviations are new to me and ones that I am very excited about!

First off, welcome fellow ICLW participants! This is my first month partaking in the fun and so far I'm liking it! It has been so fun receiving your comments, reading your kind words, and of course checking out all of your blogs. I am constantly inspired by you all and your strength, humor, and support of one another. 

If you're new here, check out My Story and Our TTC Timeline and find out a little about me here. I am currently at the very beginning of my 4th IUI cycle on injectables and feeling very, very hopeful for this one!

Now for NIAW.

This is my first National Infertility Awareness Week as an infertile. I'm having a bit of a struggle with it only because infertility is a part of my life that I have been very private about. Our immediate family knows, but no one else. Why I have chosen this, I'm not sure. I am a private person in general, but not this private. I know my friends would be supportive and caring and they might even make this process easier. So why keep it a secret?

I think it mostly boils down to not wanting to talk about it. Telling people means having to rehash our story over and over. It means having to explain the ins and outs of our inability to make a baby naturally. Talking about it means having to listen to people tell me to take a vacation and relax and make it fun. But worst of all for me, it means telling them that it didn't work...again. 

NIAW has made me rethink this.

I know firsthand the struggles of fertility, but many people do not, so how can I expect them to know what to say and how to act around me. And furthermore, the world needs to know about this, it needs to touch people personally, in order for anything to change. I know I could use a little change! A little more research, a little more support from insurance companies.

I'm not picking up the phone to spread the news just yet, but it's given me a little food for thought.

This week is the start of my fourth IUI cycle but I am going into it with a fresh, optimistic view. I'm throwing caution to the wind and putting my whole self out there. It takes all of my strength to shut out the "realistic" side of me that says it might not happen and risk the ultimate disappointment, but everyday I am going to tell myself that I am going to get pregnant this month. It's happening. My BFP's coming :)

Have a great week everyone!

Funk

I'm in a major funk today.

I'm 10 dpo, but have been spotting/having blood-tinged cervical mucous since 6 dpo. I suppose if it hadn't continued through, I might have thought it was implantation spotting, but that's a big, fat no.

No implantation, no pregnancy, just spotting for days. 

I tried taking vitamin B6 this month to lengthen my luteal phase, but now I'm having second thought...maybe I should have just left well enough alone, because it seems like it made it worse...or at least didn't help. 

I have no idea what is going on with my body and I'm pretty bummed that IUI #3 was not a success. We're giving it one more shot, and then what? How did this become my life? I seriously did not see this coming. 

I naively thought that hubby and I would be the ones that IUI solved the problem. Whatever that problem is, since they've never really found anything. I truly thought it was going to work. Ugh.

PMS really is an infertile's worst enemy. Not only am I facing the fact that I am not pregnant, but I'm also completely hormonal and bloated. Super.

Feeling Introspective

If anyone (besides me) is counting, I am 3 days post IUI. I'm starting to itch with anticipation already.

I feel like the last four months have just zoomed by because I have literally been counting down the days each cycle, waiting for the next thing, whatever it might be...starting meds, next monitoring ultrasound, IUI, two week wait, etc. Kind of a yucky way to live life, always waiting for the next thing, never really living in the moment. Hmm. Must try to remedy this. 

But I still need some distractions. 

My friend posted this a while ago and I decided to give it a try myself. It's nice to think about me sometimes. The me that I am/was before fertility dominated my life.

***

If I was a month, I’d be November.
If I was a day of the week, I’d be Sunday.
If I was a time of day, I’d be dusk.
If I was a planet, I’d be Earth.

If I was a sea animal, I’d be a breaching whale.
If I was a direction, I'd be West.
If I was a piece of furniture, I'd be a tufted velvet arm chair.
If I was a liquid, I’d be fresh-squeezed lime juice.
If I was a gemstone, I’d be a diamond. 'Cause that's how I roll.
If I was a tree, I’d be an olive tree.
If I was a tool, I’d be carpenter's ruler.
If I was a flower, I’d be a ranunculus.

If I was a type of weather, I’d be a crisp Fall day.
If I was a musical instrument, I’d be a classical guitar.
If I was a color, I’d be a creamy white.
If I was an emotion, I’d be contentment.
If I was a fruit, I’d be grapefruit.
If I was a sound, I’d be laughter.

If I was an element, I’d be earth.
If I was a car, I’d be a hybrid.
If I was a food I would be blue cheese with honeycomb.
If I was a place, I’d be a beach in Thailand.

If I was a material, I'd be cheese cloth.
If I was a taste, I'd be sweet and salty.
If I was a scent, I’d be lemongrass.

***

I'd love to see your "If I was" lists!

Baby, Baby, Baby

Today was the big day! IUI numero tres! 

Here's hoping that my one follicle was a super star and produces the best egg Hubby's sperm has ever seen...one that it just can't resist.

I didn't mind spending Easter in the RE office one little bit. Easter is all about babies and new life and eggs...throw a little sperm in the mix and it sounds just about right. Hopefully we have a little new life of my own in the works.

This weekend was a good one for me even though though it included lots of baby exposure and even a baby shower! My first nephew was born last weekend and we were finally able to make the trip to see him. I was not excited about my 21 year-old Sister-In-Law's "oops!" pregnancy announcement, but I am absolutely thrilled to be an Aunt. He was born a little early at 35 weeks and he is the cutest little thing ever. 

I can't say that the visit was all sunshine and lollipops, because I was definitely overcome with jealousy a few times. But overall, I was happy with how well I took it. Probably because I am surrounded by babies at work, the harder part for me is being around pregnant ladies in all their glowing wonder. Once the baby is out, I know how to deal!

The hardest part of the whole weekend was watching my Husband hold the teeny tiny baby on his chest, tears streaming down his face. He is almost always terrified of other people's babies, but holding his Godson seemed to come naturally to him and it broke my heart that it wasn't our baby that he was holding. We have lots of friends with babies, but for some reason holding his Sister's baby really made it sink in for him how much he wanted his own. Ay ay ay, it broke my heart.

Now I officially enter the two week wait and I am already counting down the days. 

Hmmm

I had an ultrasound and lab check today and was as surprised as my RE was to see that my left ovary decided to make a big, fat follicle. All's well except that the right side is moving much slower, so IUI on Sunday may be only one egg. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I had 3 or 4 last month and my uterus remains empty, so I feel like our chances are cut in quarters. It only takes one, right?

Ugh. 

I'm usually pretty excited at this time of the cycle, but I can't help but feel sort of disappointed this time around.

March Photo Challenge: Day 31

Complete:

March Photo Challenge Complete! It provided a very nice distraction and encouraged me to blog a little more often, so I am very grateful. I had a really hard time thinking of what picture to post for my final picture. Nothing in my life feels very complete right now. More of an "in progress" feel! But I did just finish a book!

The upside to spending a lot of time in the RE office is that I have a lot of time to read. I have been flying through books and just completed my tenth for the year. I signed up for Goodreads last year and love how it keeps track of the books I've read and the books I want to read. I also like the Reading Challenge. This year I set my goal at 25 books...hopefully I will be spending time in the OB office instead of the RE office very soon!

March Photo Challenge: Day 30

Orange:

Yummmm.....

Unfortunately this is not a current picture, but it is how I would have wanted to spend my Saturday morning. Instead I sipped decaf tea.
All in the name of my future babies.

March Photo Challenge: Day 29

Cut:

A bouquet cut straight from my urban garden. :)

March Photo Challenge: Day 28

Cozy:

On Monday morning I came out to my door to find a pretty yellow package from my sock exchange partner! Turns out we live just a hop, skip, and a jump from each other!

Inside I found these beauties...polka dotted, cashmere heaven. Oh so cozy and just the right bit of crazy peaking out from my rain boots! Love, love, love!

March Photo Challenge: Day 27

Fresh:

Yes, it's a "fresh" cycle. 

Doesn't that sound optimistic and renewing, and positive?! 

I wish I could say I was feeling the same!

It has been a rough day. I knew it was coming like I always know, but there is always that tiny, tiny glimmer of hope that I hold on to until the very end. This morning there was no denying it: the cramps started with a vengeance and with them my mood worsened. 

So back to the RE I go tomorrow to get cleared to start IUI cycle #3. I'm a little bit nervous because on my ultrasound last week I had a residual cyst...hopefully this cycle won't be cancelled.

Despite my ultra-gloomy mood and my bouts of tears every time I talk about it, I am trying to keep a positive outlook for the cycle ahead. It is a fresh start. Literally, everything is starting new, including my uterine lining :)

I don't know why, but when I got home I started googling IUI statistics again hoping to find lots of good stories. 

Lots of people get pregnant on their 3rd or 4th try! Yay! (I totally ignored the BFNs). 

I also calculated what my due date would be if I got pregnant this cycle: January 1st 2013! I do this every month, by the way. Sick. 

I've been reading a lot about it, so I started taking a Vitamin B complex to try to lengthen my luteal phase. I don't know that it's the problem, but it's on the short side and at this point, I'll try it! 

Then I went sock shopping for my "sock exchange" buddy! I picked some winners, let me tell you! So fun! 

Feeling slightly more upbeat, I just had to log in to facebook. Ugh. 

BFF has her maternity photos posted. 

And apparently just got her hospital admissions packet at her appointment today. Double ugh. 

Hide post, hide post.

I should just hide her entirely, but what kind of friend would that make me? The kind that thinks of every excuse to not hang out with her friend of 20+ years and still can't bear to talk about the "elephant in the room" that is her huge belly. Oh wait. That's me.

Then, to make myself feel even more sorry for myself, I started thinking about how pregnant I would be if I had gotten pregnant when I first started trying. 

Then I realized I would have a 7 month old.

Hello and welcome to my rambling pity party.

I apologize if you didn't want to be invited.

"Fresh start" starts tomorrow.

March Photo Challenge: Day 26

Drink:

This is my water bottle. It goes almost everywhere with me, encouraging me to drink my allotted amount of H2O. 

You know that Two Week Wait? Well, it's over. The spotting has started, accompanied by the cramps. CD 1 starts tomorrow. (F*#k!)

If I was being honest with myself, I've known since 9 DPO. Every. Damn. Month. 9 DPO is my nemesis. I always get the twinges and I know. 

On 10 DPO, I gently suggested to The Man that I didn't feel like it was our month. He practically bit my head off for even saying it because it wasn't over until I was full on bleeding. Great. He was pissed off because I shared the terrible news and ruined part of his day. 

I wanted to say, "boo hoo". I wanted to say, "Too F-ing bad!" I wanted to scream at him for wanting me to shoulder the burden of knowing on my own while he lived blissfully in la-la land.

I didn't say any of it. 

Mostly because we were less that half way through our walk through the park and surrounded by people and that could have gotten awkward quick. But also because I took a little time to think about it. 

Just because my mind is filled with thoughts of my cycle day and night, just because I over-analyze every little twinge my body makes, just because I'm going crazy...it doesn't mean that he should have to. If I could shelter myself from every little symptom and just find out when my period showed (or didn't show), I totally would. So for now, I will vent here. I will save him just a little bit of agony. 

He already has to deal with my grumpy, PMS-ing self. And no one should have to go through that :)

March Photo Challenge: Day 25

Sparkle:

I realized when trying to find something to fit this prompt, I don't have a lot of sparkle in my life. I'm not a glittery gal I suppose. Everything I own is more...ummm...not sparkly. 

I have to say though, the two bits of sparkle I own are my favorite. 

One is my engagement ring, picked out by my One and Only. The other is my wedding band, a hand-me-down from my grandma. Everything about it is perfect, in all its imperfections. Not one of the diamonds is the same size and the platinum is banged up delightfully from many years of wear and tear; only three of the years being mine. 

March Photo Challenge: Day 24

Hug:

I'm kind of cheating again because this is an old picture, but I haven't introduced the Mr to my blog yet, so taking a "hug" picture was hard...

 

March Photo Challenge: Day 23

Move:

The last 2 Novembers have involved a lot of moving- I successfully completed a marathon and a half marathon. 

The first year, my friend and I did the marathon. That coincided with the Hubs and I "trying". The training lengthened my cycles enough that I was fooled into thinking that I was pregnant, so I almost skipped it. Little did I know!

This year when my friend and I decided to do the half marathon instead we both decided we might not do it if we were pregnant by then. Guess who was pregnant and who wasn't? Boo.

I am still very much proud of myself for completing 26.2, then 13.1 miles. That's a lot of moving for one day. But I hope I won't be competing this November! 

March Photo Challenge: Day 22

Market:

Oh Thailand, how I miss thee.

I had a hard time picking a good market shot because I have SO MANY pictures of markets in Thailand because they were so intriguing to me. Frogs! Crazy fruit! Random Thai food sold in stalls! Flowers! And my favorite market find: mango with sticky rice. Oh. My. Drooling. 

I had my 7 day post-IUI ultrasound and lab draw today. Everything looks okay, but she's going to decrease my dose of Menopur if there is a next cycle since it looks like I might have released 3-4 eggs! Yikes! Hoping one or two hang around! And my progesterone level was >40, so I'm ready for implantation...come on baby!

March Photo Challenge: Day 21

Treat:

I totally ate two of these tonight. That's why I don't leave baked goods in my house- out of control. But it was a nice treat :) x2

March Photo Challenge: Day 20

Button:

 This little "on demand" button has been my friend lately. The Mr. has been working, working, working non-stop and I'm pretty sick of it. Spending a lot of time alone has not made this two week wait go quickly. We just might be the only people on the planet who have not yet gotten a DVR, so instead I've been watching some On Demand marathons of so-so TV. I can only read so much...

March Photo Challenge: Day 19

Numbers:

Today has been a no good day. I don't know why. I have Mondays off, so they are generally one of my favorite days of the week, but today I just feel down.

I'm grumpy for no apparent reason and I am completely unmotivated to get anything done around the house. 

The best part of my day so far has been getting the bill for my HSG that I had done in November. Doesn't sound great, right?

Well, originally I was told my insurance would only cover 50% of the bill and when I saw the original hospital invoice of $2500 I almost lost it. $1250 for a 5 minute test that told me that they still didn't know what was wrong with me...what?!?!

But then (!!!) I got this in the mail:

 
And I only owe $258. For my sonohysterography AND the HSG. I've never been happier to fork out a relatively large chunk of money. I don't know how it worked out this way, but I'll take it. What a relief.

March Photo Challenge: Day 18

Stretch:

This is a picture of Girl Scout Cookies. 

I can't stop eating them. 

I will need more stretchy clothing if I don't stop soon because my stomach is going to stretch. 

On that note, I went shopping today. For a while now when I go shopping, everything I try on I analyze: "Would this work if I was pregnant?" "Maybe I should get the medium, just in case" 

I have a lot of flowy blouses and stretchy material...

Does anyone else do this, or is it just me?

March Photo Challenge: Day 17

Green:

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I have a thing for holiday headgear for my dog, so I couldn't resist this one :)

March Photo Challenge: Day 16

Morning:

I have never been an everyday coffee drinker, but boy do I love a good espresso now and then. When we started baby-obsessing I stopped drinking coffee all together...and now I crave it more than I ever had previously! 

So I've become a big tea drinker. Every morning I break out the decaf tea, have a cup while I get ready and fill my to-go cup before I leave. The warmth is what I crave most now.

As delicious and comforting as it is, nothing replaces a good latte or cappuccino for me...I indulge myself once a month with failed cycles and get a full caffeine drink at my favorite coffee shop and sip between tears...it makes cycle day one just a little bit better :)

March Photo Challenge: Day 15

Build: 

Ironically, The Hubby and I are hoping to build a house soon, but no photos of that yet! You know that movie, Field of Dreams? I always remember "If you build it, they will come". Hmm...maybe we need to get moving on that! 

Tonight though, all I'm "building" is the perfect grilled cheese sandwich. 

Homemade bread (my first loaf!) and some pretty delightful cheeses that the Mr picked up. He said, "Don't ask me how much I paid for them until you taste it". Hmm. Should I be worried? :)

Two's a charm?

I just finished IUI #2 and am wishing and hoping that it is a success. 

Last cycle the IUI took place on a Sunday so the Hubs and I had a nice relaxing day, stopped for breakfast while the sperm was washed, and we saw lots and lots of little signs that it was going to work! But it didn't.

This time due to crazy work projects, The Hubby wasn't even there for the IUI :( he had to drop his sample and run! Aside from that, all went well. I saw the sperm shoot in there with my own two eyes, I even gave them a little pep talk before the doctor came in since Hubby wasn't there to do it himself :) 

Last time there was no mention of sperm count, but this time she said it was slightly low before washing, but improved afterwards to 26 million and 95% motility. I haven't had much luck finding normal numbers for post-wash count...anyone have some expertise on this? 

All thoughts, prayers, good vibes, etc welcome! Now starts the waiting!

March Photo Challenge: Day 14

Design:

My design lately has gravitated towards accessories with a meaning. Wishbone: Not a coincidence. And yes, it's giant. Elephant: fertility symbol? Huh. Weird that it sits on our nightstand. And it's filled with "baby dust" I got when I ordered a fertility bracelet. And it's a mini-pitcher. Okay, the pitcher part actually has nothing to do with fertility...I don't think. :)

March Photo Challenge: Day 13

Glow:

I'm feeling all aglow today! I had another ultrasound and estradiol check and was pleased as punch to hear that the follicles were growing magnificently and that we are cleared for trigger tonight! IUI #2 is Thursday morning and I am so excited!

It is a gloomy, drizzly day today and when I got home from my appointment all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and read. I stepped it up even another notch and decided to take a candlelit bath...is there anything better? 

   Now I am feeling dewy and I'm practically glowing with excitement! Please let this be our month!

March Photo Challenge: Day 12

Eat:

 

I've been making/eating a lot of cupcakes lately. Cookie-dough filled, homemade Hostess, peanut butter chocolate. It's not so good for the physique, but it sure is good for the tummy!

March Photo Challenge: Day 11

Living:

 

"Living" has been hard to do lately because we've been so busy! I just came back from a whirlwind 24 hour trip up to attend my Sister-In-Law's baby shower. Lots of driving, rushing back for my monitoring appointment this morning, and squeezing some sleep in there somewhere! The baby shower was surprisingly unemotional for me, which was a great surprise! I thought I was going to either really jealous or really sad, but neither emotion surfaced...maybe I was too tired.

Living for me is enjoying downtime. I love events and parties, and fun planned weekends, but my favorite times are those lazy days, strolling through the park with my favorite man, reading in the sun, and having time to soak up life. I have come to the conclusion that I don't have enough time in the day/week to really enjoy life in the first half of my cycle, so I think I'm going to make a conscious effort to use my two week waits to LIVE. Maybe that will make it go faster too! 

My friend snapped this shot of the Hubs and I in our favorite park.

March Photo Challenge: Day 10

Love:

 

My wedding day was and always will be one of those days that encompassed love. When I look back at pictures, I am reminded of not only the love I have for my Husband, but all of the love that we are so lucky to have surrounding us always: family, friends, friend that are "family". 

March Photo Challenge: Day 9

Soft:

 

Few things are softer than this cuddly little one!

March Photo Challenge: Day 8

Heal:

I started acupuncture about a year ago to attempt to regulate my cycle, and that it did. I have continued to go on a regular basis and Hubby has also started participating. For me, it heals my body (maybe...no results yet but it feels good!) and it heals my soul. It is 60 minutes of pure relaxation and my acupuncturist specializes in fertility and is just plain nice to talk to! Love it.

March Photo Challenge: Day 7

Purple:

My fur baby has a baby. It's a cat with a big purple bow that meows when she bites it. She LOVES it. She has had it since she was a little puppy and for the most part treats it gingerly. It's meow is slowly dying and now sounds more like a whimper and it is missing one eye, but kitty is otherwise here for the long haul. 

March Photo Challenge: Day 6

Challenge:

This book is my challenge. I'm attempting to make bread from scratch...like really from scratch. No packaged yeast business, just pure flour and water starting these loaves. Boy has it been a challenge. I've begun calling my starter "The Bitch" because she controls my life. I will conquer her!

March Photo Challenge: Day 5

Commute:

Fortunately for me, my regular morning commute consists of walking about eight blocks. If it's raining there's a shuttle. Tough life, right? It is all up hill!

Unfortunately for me, I have become a regular "commuter" to the Fertility Clinic and the commute is not quite as easy.
On this lovely day, I made the commute to the clinic for my beginning of the cycle ultrasound and lab draws. Everything is well in ovary land, so I left with a bag full of drugs and I will restart my Menopur tonight. Here we go again!

March Photo Challenge: Day 4

Day 4: Illuminate

This was how I started my New Year.
I took it as a sign that it was going to be a good year. Here's hoping!

March Photo Challenge: Day 3

Day 3: Domestic

My Husband once said to me, "Do you know one of the things that I love about you? It's not something that I would have looked for in a wife, but it makes me really happy that you're so homey. I love that you love baking and you're really good at decorating, and you throw an amazing party."

It was one of the best and most unexpected compliments I've ever gotten because it was completely out of the blue and just popped out of his mouth one night when I was baking. Like he had been pondering it while watching me. Love him.

I've been quite domestic lately. Winter does that to me. I'm trying my hand at baking bread this week, lovingly starting my "starter" for the last two weeks. We've also been making ice cream on a far too frequent basis since we got an ice cream maker attachment for my Kitchenaid mixer for Christmas! 

I snapped this photo when we were making Meyer Lemon Olive Oil Ice Cream. Yum.

March Photo Challenge: Day 2

Today may be challenge day two, but it's also cycle day one.  Let's not talk about that. Let's talk about...

Feet.

Ice skating on frozen ponds is awesome. Cracks and all.

March Photo Challenge: Day 1

 I'm jumping on the March Photo Challenge bandwagon, because I like taking pictures and it sounds like fun! And mostly I need a distraction. A month long distraction is good. Check out Scrambled Eggs to read all about it!

 So, here I go...

Day 1: Self Portrait

My Hubby took this photo in Thailand, on one of my favorite trips ever, before baby-making was stressful. That day nothing was stressful :)