Mumm Is No Longer the Word. Almost.

No one in real life, aside from the necessary work persons, knows what's going on.

No one knows about the retrieval, the cancelled transfers, the actual transfer, or the little being that is residing in my uterus. I am content with that. For some reason it feels safer. The Hubby is not so into it. He's a "sharer" and is just about busting at the seams to spill the beans to everyone. So we've decided that this weekend we will tell our families. I'm excited to finally get to share some good news, but also a bit nervous. The only point of withholding the information now is so we don't have to share bad news if it happens, but at this point I am feeling like having the support of our families would be good anyway if the worst case scenario happened.

We haven't quite nailed down exactly how we are going to spread the news, but we're working on some fun ideas. I can.not.wait to see their faces! This moment is the whole reason we kept this IVF journey such a secret in the first place!

This week I have felt a bit more pregnant, waking up with nausea that pretty much forces me to eat immediately. Apparently I will not be losing weight in my first trimester like some people do. I'm totally okay with that as long as this babe keeps growing.

Speaking of growing...today marks seven weeks and the tiny one is the size of a blueberry.

I'm sure we will have a busy weekend of family fun, but I'm most looking forward to the ultrasound on Tuesday. Seriously, what do normal people do when they have NO ultrasounds for 8-10 weeks?! I would go bananas wondering if it was still there!

It's There

There is a little one occupying my uterus. A little one with a flickering heart beat. 

 

I was freakishly nervous for today and the nerves were amplified by a horrible 30 minute wait for the ultrasound. When the dildo cam went in, it felt like an eternity before she found what she was looking for. But then I spotted a little black area that looked a lot like so many of the early ultrasound photos of yours that I've seen. Then I saw a flicker. A very faint flicker. And I knew that we had a baby and a beat. And it was amazing.

This little babe is teeny to my eyes, although my RE didn't mention what it was measuring. She said everything looked just as they expected it to with a heart rate of 136 and a due date of March 13th. 

Please, oh please stick around little one!

I have an ultrasounds next Tuesday and one on the week after that, so I'll be getting some good viewing time in the next couple of weeks. 

I also got a schedule to decrease my progesterone injections to 1ml at 7 weeks and to stop my Vivelle patches at 9 weeks, then no more progesterone at 12 weeks. It seems strange to be planning this far ahead...I guess it's the pessimist in me :)

Thank you again for all of the well-wishes. You all are the best! I don't know what I would do if I couldn't share the news with you all since no one in real life knows yet. I'd for sure be crazy. Like more crazy than I am now.

Ultrasound Eve

It is ultrasound eve! I am both excited and scared out of my brains about this. 

I have been symptom-spotting up the wazoo since the disappearance of anything mildly "pregnanty" (totally not a word) but have been trying to reassure myself by what so many of you said about symptoms and lack of symptoms.Thank you for all of those pearls of wisdom!

I will say, the slightly (and I mean, slightly) sore breasts have returned. And do my A cups look more like an A+? And I have some very milk food aversions that usually come on part way through a meal when I realize that whatever I'm eating that tasted good at first doesn't taste good anymore. That's it kids. They're either symptoms or I'm imagining it all. In 3 years of TTC, these would not be the first symptoms I've imagined!

I was talking to The Hubby about the ultrasound today and realized how little I know of what to expect from tomorrow. I think we will either see a baby or we won't and it will either be the right size or it won't and it will have a heartbeat or there will be nothing ticking in there. Sound about right?

I honestly have no idea how I am going to wait until 3:45 tomorrow! I might have to kidnap an ultrasound tech at work in the morning and bribe him to scan me. I'm only kind of joking...

The Case of the Disappearing Symptoms

Today I am, by my calculations, 6 weeks pregnant. I think.

This "two week wait" between the betas and the ultrasound has been one of the harder I've had. I was feeling good after the betas, but then felt helpless. With no symptoms to lean on, no pee sticks to reassure me, and a whole lotta progesterone on board, I can't keep the miscarriage thoughts out of my head. Could I have miscarried but the progesterone is holding it all in? Will there be a heart rate? Will it measure on track? 

Obviously, no amount of worrying or lack there of is going to change the outcome, but I just can't help than to let it dominate my each and every thought.

The past week has been strange. I thought I had some mild symptoms: slightly tender breasts, some extra sleepiness in the afternoons, and a tinge of nausea when I woke up and when I had an empty stomach. Then yesterday...nothing. Hmph. Not sure what to make of it, but hoping I'm just a lucky lady who doesn't have a slew of symptoms. 

I also had to tell someone I was pregnant for the first time ever, my yoga teacher. I think she thought I was crazy when she asked me how far along I was and I said, "5 weeks 3 days". I felt like such an imposter saying I was pregnant! So strange.

Anyway...five more days until we either see a baby or don't.

If it's still in there...the bitty one is the size of a lentil or a sprinkle today :)

Scarred and Scared

Here's the thing. I'm finally with child, and pretty stoked about it. Except for one thing. I am clearly permanently scarred. Scarred from years of bad news, scarred from years of all of blog friends' bad news, and scarred from a relatively new-found distrust in my body and its ability to do the right thing.

This was a rough week in my blog circle. Two of my almost cycle buddies and favorite blog friends, Amanda and Risa both suffered losses. Not that it ever escaped my mind, but their losses hit me hard. They reminded me that life is not fair, that pregnancy can be here one moment and gone the next, and most of all, that just because you deserve a happy ending you aren't always guaranteed one. At least not right now. 

I'm scarred from years of infertility and I'm sad for what we as a community have to endure time after time. 

I'm also scared. Like really scared. I don't know where this journey is going to take me, but I hope that in time (if I'm lucky enough to get it) I can learn to do more than survive this pregnancy, always holding my breath and bracing myself for the worst. I would like to enjoy and thrive in every moment, but I'm just too darned scared to do it. I feel like every moment I enjoy and savor is one more memory that I'll have to endure later if anything goes wrong.

I'm scared to trust in my body and scared to rejoice in good news, because often times good news is followed by the heartbreaking bad.

Aaaaaaah!!!!! a.k.a. Beta #2

This morning's beta was 4,842! That's a doubling time of 49 hours and just where they want me to be.
The first ultrasound is scheduled for July 22nd!
And today I am 5 weeks pregnant. Holy moly.
In other news: my butt is a delightful combination of painful when jiggled and numb, and I think I might have a trace of a symptom: nausea that lasted most of the day yesterday and some of the morning today!!! Yippee! 

The LOOOOOONNNNGGGG awaited beta!

So, it's official. I'm pregnant. The Nurse actually said, "Congratulations, you're Pregnant! Very Pregnant!"

Beta is 2500...something. I don't remember the exact number because I was so nervous, but my clinic is okay with anything over 100, so I feel good about that number :)

I am still a big ball of nerves today and wish I could fast forward to Wednesday and have beta #2 under my belt. I am feeling so insecure about everything even though I have no current reason to worry. I have seen so much heartbreak in this community of people I now consider friends and as much as having such a wonderful group of cheerleaders and buddies is the best, it also has opened my eyes up to the fickle nature of IVF pregnancies. One minute they're there and seemingly fine, the next minute not. 

I have still had zero symptoms which made today excruciating because I was analyzing every possible negative outcome. I don't know why I'm in this weird state, but I hope I can burst out of this funk and move on to enjoying this pregnancy that I hope will last for 9 more months.

So now I have a two day wait. I may regret this later, but symptoms: bring it on!

Awe, Gee!

You all know how to make a girl feel special! 

Thank you so much for all of your well-wishes, words of encouragement, and as usual, for traveling this journey with me. You all were the second people (after the Hubby of course!) that I was dying to tell when I saw that second line.

We are feeling cautiously optimistic going into the beta on Monday. The pee sticks continue to get darker and I'm feeling a bit rundown and tired by the end of the days. This girl has never been more excited to be exhausted :)

I spoke with one of the Nurses who responded to my anxiety about Monday's beta by literally saying, "Well, in my experience if the pregnancy test is positive, the blood test will be too!"

Okay, duh. I'm going to have some HCG in my system, but will it be enough and will it double are the questions here Miss Ignorant Nurse! Geesh.

But she's right, nothing to worry about since I clearly have no control over the outcome anyway!

I hope you all have a wonderful 4th of July! Wishing all of my semi-cycle buddies lots of luck!

Not Empty

My uterus is currently, officially occupied! By an implanted little embryo! 

I've been crazy quiet on the blogging front despite my mind being anything but silent.

I started peeing on sticks 5 days post my transfer. I have a bazillion and one cheapo pregnancy tests that came with a huge supply of OPKs on Amazon, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to burn through a few since my beta is agonizingly far away!

When I peed on that first stick and saw nothing, I'm not gonna lie, I thought this cycle was a bust. No symptoms, no cramping, no sore boobs, no nothing. And negative test.

The next day I saw what I thought was a faint shadow of a line. I did what any crazy, hormonal lady would do and went on a google rampage. Are the lines usually THAT light? False positives ever? What does a positive look like? (There are a surprising amount of photos of pee sticks!)

The next day it was slightly darker I thought. I also dipped a stick in water to make sure I wasn't thinking an evaporation line was a positive or something. Nope, my placebo was just solid white...promising. But still so light!
This went on for a couple more days until today, 8dp5dt, I went all out.
First I peed on the amazon stick. Then I peed on a dollar store test. Both positive but very light.
Then tonight, when I could stand it no longer...I peed on a digital. And the most beautiful word I have ever seen appeared: Pregnant.

I'm freaking out. So many thoughts are swirling in this little mind of mine. I wish so much that I didn't have to wait until next Monday for a beta. I know so much can happen between now and then, and then and the next beta, and the beta and the ultrasound. It's so hard to just be gleeful about it when it's so early. But for now, I'm pregnant and I'm going to try to enjoy every moment as if I were an ignorant, blessed fertile with no reason to believe a positive pregnancy test doesn't guarantee a baby in nine months.