Welcome to the Third Trimester. F you.

This week I failed. There is no fruit or veggie photo, just a Christmas photo taken just before my life became a living hell. I remember people saying that the first and third trimesters were hard, but I kind of felt like I paid my dues in the first trimester with the all day nausea, so I would skate through the third. I don't know why I thought this. It's kind of like that time when I thought I would get pregnant as soon as we "pulled the goalie". Ha. Ha. Ha. Joke is on me my friends.

I am insanely excited to be in these shoes of mine, and until this week I was a blissful person. Like sickeningly blissfully pregnant. Then I got out of the shower and noticed that my belly was red and kind of itchy. Then the next day my whole body was itchy. Then the next day my whole body was covered in a bright red, horrific rash from chest to ankles that makes me want to literally scratch my skin off. Then my legs swelled up like an elephant and I ended up in OB for a few hours (all was fine, my doctor was just equally horrified and shocked by my rash and insta-swelling and wanted a little baby monitoring and blood pressure check). 

So to say it was a bad week is an understatement. I am incredibly down in the dumps at the prospect of this being the rest of my pregnancy. I am upset to be feeling itchy and puffed up like a balloon, yes, of course I am. But mostly I'm upset because I feel like I'm not going to enjoy the rest of this baby-growing journey to the fullest. And I feel like a bloated, gross red, bumpy blob of yuckiness. Sorry for the whining and self-pity. I think this is part of my "I love being pregnant!" grieving process.

While in OB I got a maybe diagnosis of PUPPP (otherwise known as the worst thing ever that won't go away until baby has exited my vagina). The "maybe" part comes because most women don't get the rash until much later in pregnancy. I am relieved that there is no harm to me or to the little one, but not relieved because there is no good way to get rid of it. I have researched and researched and contacted my old acupuncturist for some recommendations and along with the OB and Dermatology recommendations I am armed with a plan to make this tolerable:

1. Grandpa's Pine Tar Soap: I ordered a couple bars from Amazon and the should be here within a day or so. Not sure how this stuff works, but a lot of people swear by it.

2. Benadryl nightly: The verdict is out on whether or not this helps the actual rash or if it just helps you sleep so you aren't scratching your body off.  Either way, I'm giving it a go.

3. Dandelion Root: 2 capsules 3 times a day. PUPPP is sometimes attributed to a sluggish liver. Dandelion root is supposed to help and is also a natural diuretic. I am going to increase my water intake to counteract the diuretic properties, but hoping this might help the swelling too? Started this already and of everything that is rumored to help, the most people tout this one as a miracle. Bring it.

4. Prescribed Topical Steroids: Obviously the most Western of the treatments, the consulting dermatologist told my OB this should help and is not to be worried about in pregnancy. Hallelujah.

5. Omega 3s: This was a recommendation from the acupuncturist. So flax oil it is. 

Hopefully next week I will have some good news to report! I do NOT know how I will sustain this for more 13 weeks if not!

Prior to all of this sad news, we took photos for our holiday cards. Here's to hoping this isn't the last picture of my unblemished skin!

Going, Going, Going

Brace yourselves for some TMI. 

I have heard pregnancy horror stories of constipation and hemorrhoids and blockages and many poop-related dilemmas. 

I made it 26 weeks without talking about poop, but the time has arrived.

I am pooping. Like all the time. 

Better than constipation, yes. But very strange and slightly inconvenient none the less because when I have to go, I have to go NOW. And several time a day bathroom stops is fine, but...weird.

Anyhoo...

I have failed in the picture realm and did not capture a photo of the bump this week :( I must have been spending too much time in the bathroom.
Baby Girl is the size of a head of lettuce if that helps the visualization?
I totally stole this photo from my friend's facebook page. Slacker.

 

Viability

I am 24 weeks and now to the point where the little one is considered "viable". As a NICU nurse, the idea of delivering anytime in the near future makes me sick to my stomach. The next few weeks are going to be a bit rough for me, mostly because while 24 weeks is in most cases viable, it is not always pretty. It has given me an interesting perspective on these Mommies that deliver RIGHT NOW. I cannot even fathom how it would feel to go into labor right now, so, so early with nothing prepared and be faced with so many hard decisions. Ugh. So, yeah, it's a scary time. 

This week everything started getting a bit real. We ordered our stroller and are so excited to have our first real baby item! I am also in full throws of nursery planning. I'm hoping to keep it pretty neutral, but also get some fun girly stuff mixed in. 

The belly definitely "popped" again this week!

Thankful

Wow am I behind on posts. It is officially the holidays and hence there is no time for anything but eating. We had a pretty darn wonderful Thanksgiving which has been historically a hard holiday for me for obvious reasons. This year I was bursting with thankfulness for everything that has transpired in the last 25 weeks and for the feisty little life that is growing inside of me. 

And feisty one is the size of a bunch of cauliflower!

This week I started feeling full much faster than before, so I had a built-in Thanksgiving over-eating preventive! 

Another Shot, Too Late

So I got the flu.
I had been waiting on the best time to get my flu shot when I didn't have a cold (last week) and when I didn't have anything super fun to attend. You know, just in case it made me sick. I am well aware of the fact that the flu shot cannot make you sick...but sometimes the side effects are pretty rotten too.

Then I got the flu from hell and had my first throw up of the pregnancy. Thankfully it was a quick 24 hour bug that left as suddenly as it came on.
Flu shot officially in me now, so hopefully no more vomit this year :)

Nothing much else has been going on in these parts, just enjoying every moment of this journey!

And we're back to squash...

23 weeks and the size of a butternut.

Feeling the Burn

Week 22 brought heartburn! 

Apparently I have never had heartburn before, because I wasn't even sure what it was when it arrived. I'm still not quite sure that it isn't acid reflux...if that's different from heartburn. Anyway, it's here and I'm eating lots of tums. 

I have to say, despite the heartburn, I am feeling better physically than I have since this little embryo implanted in The Uterus Formerly Known as Empty. I have lots of energy, I am now clearly pregnant and not fat, so I don't feel so gross, and all in all everything is hunky dory around these parts. Another bonus that any infertile who has been pregnant even for a moment might be able to relate to: now that I can feel her moving around, I know almost hourly that she is still there. If only the movement was palpable in the first trimester, it would save so much cray cray.

I totally thought that my pre-prego wardrobe would stretch further into the weeks than it has. Even my long shirts are getting short, and no one wants to see a flesh-colored belly band popping out the bottom of my shirt! So shopping it is.

And! The baby is the size of something other than squash this week :)

 

Yes, I'm totally in pajama pants. Husband was was definitely instructed to leave those out of the picture. Clearly, photography is not his day job...

 

Belated Updates

The post was written. The photos were taken. The photos were not uploaded due to laziness and daylight savings sleepiness, so over a week late...

I'm starting to feel like I have an alien inside me. It was all good and well until I started over analyzing the little being. I have started feeling more than just little pokes in my lower belly. Sometimes I feel rolls, sometimes I feel flip flops, sometimes I feel a limb (one of the four, not sure which!) move from one area to another. It's pretty cool, but also incredibly weird. And if I think about it a lot, it kind of creeps me out! I mean, there is a human in there. In my uterus. Doing whatever little humans do when in a uterus. And it's breathing fluid. It's unbelievable.
As Baby and I rang in 21 weeks of togetherness, Daddy got to feel a big, huge movement on the outside for the first time ever. I don't know that I've ever seen his eyes light up like that; he was in complete and utter awe and so excited. It was just as amazing to watch as it is to feel.

It's also starting to feel a bit crowded in there. After I eat, it feels like I can't take a deep breath and that my ab muscles are streeettttccching. And I have hiccups ALL.THE.TIME. They are not the subtle kind either. Usually a big, loud, awkward hiccup in the middle of a quiet meeting or in the grocery store. So funny for everyone involved!

Baby Girl is the size of sugar pie pumpkin!

Scans and Squash

First off, thanks for sharing in our girl excitement! It is an interesting situation to be SO excited to be having a girl and know at the same time that if we found out we were having a boy we would have been equally excited! It's so fun to know and stop calling the Little One "It"!

The 20 week scan was pretty amazing. The details of the little body were so much easier to see now that she is the size of a weird bumpy Fall squash :)

"I'm actually the size of a banana, but Mom squashed it, so squash it is!" No pun intended.

 The placenta is far away from my cervix, so no placenta previa and all the parts checked out exactly right! The most difficult part to see was in between her legs. Apparently we have a modest one! Hopefully that will serve her well in her teenage years ;)

The ultrasound tech got all the way through the scan and said the best she could give us was her best guess. WHAT!?!? I almost lost it because I thought we wouldn't be able to find out. The Doctor came in to do his part of the scan and also revealed that from the images the tech had gotten he was also not sure. Fab. But FINALLY he got a good glimpse and was able to say with 99% certainty that we have a Little Miss growing in there. I'll take those odds. 

I must have been giving off strong girl vibes because 99% of people asked thought I was having a girl, but didn't know why. On the day that we saw the heartbeat for the first time, one of the receptionists was the first to predict that we were having a girl. At 6 weeks 4 days. Even strangers who predicted thought girl, so I think I would have been shocked if it was a boy.

Now on with the decorating of the nursery! And of course, some shopping! Shopping for maternity clothes is just not as fun as regular clothes, so I'm going to displace my retail indulgences onto my fetus. Woot woot!

Pink or Blue?

Well Guys, what do you think? Pink...or blue?

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PINK it is!!! There's a baby girl in there!!!

Hmm...Where'd That Come From?

Fall has brought with it cooler days, everything pumpkin, falling leaves, and some weird stray hairs and nipple "stuff".

A few nights ago I looked down at my bare belly while greasing it up with some stretch mark preventing oil and noticed a little gathering of little peach-fuzzy blond hairs on the lower portion. I have no idea what that's about. Then I noticed some white flakiness on my nipples, what appears to be a tiny bit of dried milk. Lactation, check. This was a weird week in the body department, people!

Nothing much else has changed except that I am having a little bit harder time sleeping at night. Aside from still waking up at least twice a night to pee, I am finding it harder to find a comfortable position. A big, giant pregnancy sleep pillow may be in my future.

Nineteen completed weeks of growing a baby. NINETEEN WEEKS?! How did that happen?! We are just about half way there?! I will spare you from more "?!" combos, but really, I never anticipated the weeks would fly by like this. In just a few days we have our scheduled anatomy scan where I will find out if this little one is a Mr. or a Miss! I CAN. NOT. WAIT!!!! I am so excited to find out the gender that I have almost forgotten that they will also be checking out all of the other parts to make sure everything is looking a-okay. Just as long as everything looks healthy and on-track, we will be happy, but I am so, so excited to know I can hardly stand it.

I don't know if I'm missing some pregnancy intuition, but I have absolutely no inklings or feelings on which sex it is. I do have to say, probably 95% of people that have made a prediction on gender (it's funny how many people do this!) have guessed that I'm having a girl. Most have said that they just have a "feeling". Only time will tell!

Without further ado...

Baby is the size of a Winter Squash. Okay, the book said large mango, but it is not mango season, so none to be found!

Also, a fellow blogger suggested I make a page with weekly bump shots, so I started that too. So if you're not in a bump viewing place, avoid my "Belly" page like the plague.

Sexy or Awkward

This week started off at a bachelorette party. It was awesome to relax with girls, in the sun, poolside for a weekend. When we were told there was a "surprise" for the bachelorette on one of the nights, my first guess was stripper. I was confused when a woman showed up at the house...then pleasantly surprised when I found out we were taking a burlesque class. It was pretty hilarious and also super awkward. What I learned is: 1) Air-humping is super weird. At all times. 2) Some people were born to be strippers (or have insanely lucky husbands). 3) Pregnant ladies doing burlesque are cute, way funny, and sexy? For some reason everyone was very enthralled with the pregos (there were two of us) doing burlesque and couldn't stop telling us how hot we were. Hey, I'll take it.
Aside from bacheloretting, the week was pretty eventful. On the plane ride home I felt what I thought was the first "flutter". But I wasn't convinced because of all of the plane vibrations. And because it didn't feel like a flutter at all.

  Tuesday I had a checkup with my OB where we heard the heartbeat for the very first time ever! I was half expecting/hoping that they wouldn't be able to find it because they couldn't last time and that we would get a little ultrasound peak. No go, but still fun to hear it beating away (at 140ish beats per minute). My OB asked if I had felt movement yet, to which I replied, "maybe?" Apparently that's a very common answer.

The next day I felt movement FOR SURE. When I say it doesn't feel like a flutter, I mean it doesn't feel like a flutter at all. The way I describe it is a poke from inside, which kind of makes sense since the legs are probably about the diameter of a finger :) It has been one of the more exciting parts of the pregnancy so far to finally be able to have some almost daily tangible evidence that something is growing (besides my belly). It's also amazed me how much that little one moves in there! Usually I feel a series of kicks in one focused area, then nothing. Then the next series will be in a completely different area of my tummy, which gives me images of the baby flipping and somersaulting around in there. Pretty amazing peeps.

This week the acrobatic bebe is about the size of a sweet potato.

And a side view!

Side Photos Are Mandatory

To sum up my week....POP! Because that's what my belly did! I'm pretty enthralled with it on most days, to be honest with you all. And so are most other people. It's kind of strange to have random people ogling my body part, but totally less weird when I think of how many baby bumps I stared down in the last three years.

I am starting to feel pregnant again after the little break between week 13's nausea and now, but in very different ways. I have noticed that I get dehydrated a lot quicker than normal, so I am trying hard to consume a lot of water. The peeing sometimes stands in my way. Twice this week I ended up with a headache which I know was from dehydration.
Another thing I have noticed is an increased amount of swelling in my hands and legs by the end of the day, especially if I haven't had enough fluids. I thought that came later in pregnancy!?
And last, but not least...it is definitely harder to haul my own body around than it ever has been. I don't know if it's me being out of shape...quite likely since exercise has been scarce. But I'm also starting to think maybe it's just the extra weight I'm carrying around that is making the difference. I don't think I'm way over the weight gain curve, but I do think I have put on more than the necessary amount. I have been back to my normal eating habits since the nausea ended, so not really sure what all of this gain is about. No one told me I was going to pack on so many pounds in the butt area ;) Oh well, all in the name of the sweet baby growing in my uterus, right?

"I'm an onion-sized babe!"

Hometown Baby

16 weeks has come and gone, as did a second maternity shoot...hence the late post, just got some of the photos finally! We did these in our hometown and had so much fun tromping around our old stomping grounds!

Week sixteen seemed monumental to me for some reason, I have no idea why. I think I've started thinking of milestones in 4 week increments. Next up...20 weeks! I have to say, all the info out there is true- the second trimester rocks. I didn't realize how tired a was until my energy came back! I feel pretty normal except when I look down and notice my "gut". It really is the best descriptor for what will soon me a "bump" because it definitely looks more like a beer belly than a baby :)

Our little Bambino (as the Hubs likes to say) is now the size of an avocado. Yummmm. Wait, that's weird.

More weekly posts will be rolling out soon, I have 2 more in the queue!

Alive and well.

I apologize for the gigantic break in posts, but it has been a whirlwind of a couple of weeks around these parts! I am 17 weeks exactly and planning on posting my weekly photos ASAP. We took a second round of photos with my photographer friend and are still waiting on week 16's photo! Otherwise, weekend trips galore are my life right now, tiring but feeling mostly great. I'm off to a bachelorette party in Palm Springs this weekend and definitely looking forward to some sunshine, weird part flab/part bump bikini moments, and hopefully no gross strippers! 

Public

And 15 weeks has come and gone. In one instant I think that this has been the fastest almost 4 months of my life, but then I think of how much has transpired in the last 15 weeks and how LONG ago my FET feels. 

I am settling into this pregnancy thing and feeling pretty good. 

But. 

Apparently, once an infertile, always an infertile. There is not a bathroom break that doesn't include first squinting as I look at my panties, always praying that I won't see blood. Not a cramp or weird twinge goes unnoticed. I'm always waiting for the dream to be over and to wake up and realize that nothing is going to go as planned. This is going to be how the next 25 weeks go I've come to realize. I'm okay with that,  it's all part of my story, but it's still kind of...I don't know. Tiring I guess. 

This week was monumental because we outed our news on facebook. Every bone in my body cringed as I did it because I remember how painful those announcements were, and still kind of are for me, but when it comes down to it, it's the most effective way to spread the news to the hundred of people that we cannot tell in person. The Hubs threw a little "it's been a 3 year journey and we are so happy to announce..." that made me feel a little better about it. I just posted this picture from our first photo shoot:

Everyone got the gist of it. 

It has been really fun seeing everyone now that they know, and quite a relief to not have to cover up my belly anymore. It's not that noticeable, but it's definitely there. I have struggled with what to say when people congratulate me. I feel like I need to disclose just how hard we worked to get to this point, but at some point I'm just another pregnant lady. Not everyone needs to know our struggles, but I'm just so scared to make someone "in the trenches" feel sad. Anyway...

as my book said I should now be feeling more energetic and making less trips to the bathroom...my body's doing the opposite! Super tired and peeing 3 times a night. Go figure :)  

 

It is hard taking a picture of your own belly!

The little one is now the size of an orange and can hear. I hope it likes bad singing and bad reality TV.

Traveling Citrus

I have officially entered my second trimester and I cannot believe that it is true. I have made an effort to enjoy every moment of this time, but I have to say the queasiness kind of distracted me from that mission :) so now I am reminding myself of that and trying to stay present. Because it is FLYING by! 

This week was pretty monumental for me. I no longer can button any of my pants so have been wearing mostly dresses  and heavily utilizing the belly band! Love that thing... I mean, when else can you pull off walking around with your pants unbuttoned? I also had two people ask me if I was pregnant. For a split second I thought about saying, "no, just fattening up" because seriously (!!!!) who in their right mind asks someone if they're pregnant?! That is stupidly brave. And I was totally stoked, because maybe I don't just look way fat! 

We have also told almost all of the " more than just Facebook" friends in our life, so that has been so much fun!

In case inquiring minds do want to know...week 13-14 also brought a lot of peeing ( just as the book said it would decrease), a wicked headache, some little pulling sensations in my pelvic area ( more growing pains perhaps?), and a real, live pregnancy glow. Or maybe not a glow, but at least the dull, tired, hormonal skin of IVF has passed and I'm back to normal? Not sure, but definitely noticeably better in the derm department.

 

The little bambino is now the size of a lemon and had his/her first trip to NYC. It was quite hard to find a lemon and has been even harder to squeeze in a photo in the daylight hours, so excuse the crappy iPhone selfie. 

13

This was a BIG week in baby land. 

Yesterday I hit 13 weeks, which in some circles counts as the start of the 2nd trimester. I think it officially starts at the end of the 13th week, but who's counting? Okay, I'm totally counting. 

The NT scan went great and we got to spend almost a full hour looking at our babe due to some positioning snafus. Pretty surreal and most definitely amazing. We got some great videos and pictures (including a couple 4D that totally creep me out usually, but ended up actually being pretty cool)

I have no idea why it's upside down...

We also found out that our risk of Trisomy 21 is 1 in 10,000 and Trisomy 18 1 in 100,000...seems like good news to me. I know this does not rule out everything, but as a NICU nurse I was having the tech look at everything she could see. Even got a little gender prediction out of her! I'm trying not to hold onto it because 13 weeks is too early to know for sure, so I'm not even putting it out into the blogosphere for now :) 

Aside from all of that excitement...

I pulled out my belly band for the first time yesterday and I am officially starting to get sideways glances from people because there is a definite bump there, but no one has the courage to ask. Smart people. We will be all the way announced by the end of next week because I am making a trip to the East Coast to visit extended family and wanted to share the news with as many people in person before making it public on facebook and at work.I can't wait!

Also...almost NO MORE nausea!!! Hallelujah! I'm hoping I can resume a more normal eating pattern now and lay off the ginger snaps :)

Baby is the size of a small apple this week. Plucked this "baby" off our backyard tree :)

Happenings

This post is coming late because I was waiting for the photo. I have a friend who is a photographer who is going to take monthly maternity photos for us. It seems kind of excessive, but I don't with certainty that I'll get to experience pregnancy again, so I want to document as much as I can.
I was 12 weeks last Thursday. Pinch me.
The week's happenings included more nausea, VERY tight pants, the purchase of a belly band (haven't worn it yet, though), and the appearance of a linea negra from my belly button down. 

Also, 12 weeks was my very last progesterone IM injection! Can I get a woot woot!? My butt is already rejoicing.

And without further ado...the little lime. And another of my favorites from Tuesday's shoot. So fun.

Tomorrow is the NT scan...before that I will bite all my nails off.

Not Just Chillin'

I'm going to kill the suspense right quick. I had my "peace of mind" ultrasound this morning and it appears that all is well in my uterus :)

My Doctor thankfully found the heartbeat immediately so I didn't have to wait one more second to breathe a sigh of relief. Then I saw the coolest thing ever. It's a baby, you guys. It was moving its arms and legs like crazy and bouncing around. It may only be the size of a fig, but it now looks more like a baby than a blob! The movement was unbelievable to see. It is definitely not hanging out in there, it is getting its groove on! So cool.

After floating around on cloud nine for the day, I had a slew of labs drawn for the antenatal screening tests that we elected to do. On September 9th we will have a detailed ultrasound where they will complete in depth measurements and give us the odds of different chromosomal anomalies like Trisomy 21, 18, and 13. I'm a little nervous for that, but also excited to get to watch the scan for up to 45 minutes!

Unfortunately I have no picture proof to share this time, but so happy that baby R is enjoying his/her home in my ute!

Waiting and Woozy

First of all, I want to thank you for all of the support during the bleeding "episode". I was feeling very doom and gloom after my encounter with The Resident from Hell, so your good stories were very calming. 

We returned from Kauai on my 31st birthday and the Mini-Me's 11 week mark. Even though the trip felt like awful timing with the spotting, it was PERFECT timing. It provided just the right amount of distraction, some much-needed relaxation time, and had me surrounded by my sweet Hubs and my family for support. My plans changed a bit in an effort to rest my body (no hiking, only a short kayak instead of a big Napali Coast kayak) but I am not one to complain about extra time spent lounging on the beach and snorkeling :)

The nausea is unreal people. I thought it might start to taper off this week as I approach the end of the 1st trimester, but apparently I was mistaken. I have been wearing Sea Bands which have actually helped a lot, but it only seems to be getting worse. With a quick consult from Dr. Google, some people say that HCG peaks between 10-12 weeks, so nausea will get worse before it gets better. One can hope! Otherwise, besides feeling totally fat (my pants almost do not fit, you guys! At 11 weeks!? In case you weren't sure, eating mass quantities of carbs will cause you to pack on pounds faster than you can believe...) I am feeling pretty great. We'll see how great I feel when I go back to work tomorrow. Boo.

The one upside is that I will get to take an ultrasound peak tomorrow if all goes according to plan. When I went in for the bleeding my doctor said I could come in right after my vacation for a "piece of mind" scan, but when I called to schedule, the coordinators couldn't get me in. Ugh...more waiting! Fortunately, my doctor is in L&D tomorrow which happens to be on the same floor that I work on, so I will be popping over for a STAT ultrasound in the morning! I am VERY nervous. I'm taking the continued nausea as a good sign, but still can't get the missed miscarriage idea out of my head. Evil resident! Hopefully all will be good in there and we can move on after tomorrow and count that as a little bump in the road.

 

The babe is fig-sized!

"Mmmm. I love figs."

PUPO in Kauai

Hello from paradise. I am short on time (too much beaching to do!), so I'll post what I know.

The bleeding did not restart. It sort of trickled as old blood after that initial bleed for a few days and was accompanied by some mild cramping (I think, I could have just been crazy nervous and having GI cramps too!) 

The first day here was incredibly stressful because I was spotting in a bathing suit, trying not to overdo anything, and just overall really freaking scared. I think I'm going to start referring to the ocean as "nature's douche" because I think it cleaned out all that old blood and I stopped spotting! Since then I have been intermittently incredibly nauseous and overall feeling exactly as I did before this bleeding debacle. I'm relieved, but still wondering what's going on in there.

Last night I started having a little cramping again, which I'm attributing to a growing uterus? Does that even happen? I'm hoping so :) I am looking forward to (okay, more like counting down the days until) I can get an ultrasound the day I get back. I just want to know,  but also don't want to wish this vacation away! I contemplated looking up an ultrasound place on the island, but I feel like it is a big expense for something that I could just wait a few more days for. The Hubby was all for it, considering we can't have sex until then...one track mind.

I am doing my best to feel pregnant, because I have no reason to believe I am not. PUPO. 

On that note, Thursday makes 10 weeks!

The little fetus (it's a fetus this week!) is now the size of a prune...or in the spirit of aloha, a small lilikoi (passion fruit)!

Blood

This morning I started bleeding. It was pretty much my worst nightmare coming to life when I saw those drops of blood on my underwear. Then when I wiped and it kept coming I went into a state of...not sure, I guess focused devastation. 

We went into the hospital to be checked and experience such a spectrum of emotions. The first nurse we spoke to was reassuring that this could be normal and hopefully just a part of my normal pregnancy. A bump in the road.

The first doctor we saw was a resident that I now think of as Satan. She was doom and gloom to the max. She did a cervical exam and saw no new blood, but a bit of old blood on my cervix. Then she did the ultrasound and found the heartbeat right away. Nothing about that was reassuring to me, mostly because I've watched this story play out before through so many of you, and the news isn't always good even when there is still a heartbeat. Then she proceeded to say, "the most common reason for bleeding at this time is miscarriage" and walk me though what a miscarriage will look like if it happens to me. She also said that it will be labeled a threatened abortion.

Then my OB, who happened to be there today came in and had me go over what was going on. She was much more positive and had more of a "let's hope for the best" approach. Better, but not sunshine and butterflies.

We're leaving for what was to be a relaxing trip to Kauai tomorrow. I'm not sure how relaxing it will be, but at least now that lounging is going to be the name of my game, I'll have a good place to do that in. No hiking or kayaking for me! 

I can't believe this...please let this be "normal". At nine weeks miscarriage rates are 0.5%, why oh why do I always seem to be part of the less than 1%?

Graduated

We have officially been discharged from the RE. It was the most unceremonious graduation ever. I was hoping for some fanfare on the occasion of my last meeting with the dildo cam...oh well. Just a quick look at our little embryo (yes, still considered at embryo at this point? Weird.) in all its glory. All I could think was, "it looks like a gummy bear. Or a teddygram. Yes, most definitely I am growing a food item of some sort."

 

This speaks to my state of mind this week.

It's all about the food, ladies. I am not kidding when I tell you that I eat all.the.time. 

I did make a change after last week's carb fest because I was feeling so terrible. Carbs definitely keep the nausea in check, but they don't do much for my state of mind, my figure, or my overall feelings of goodness. So this week, while I still ate my fair share of carbs, I definitely tried to maintain a little more...balance and discretion. Verdict: feeling way better. Not the morning all day sickness, but just overall.

Other than seeing the wee one and its little heart beating (174 bpm now!) ushering my way through week nine was much of the same.

At nine weeks, the little one is about the size of the cherry tomatoes we are growing in the garden. According to the book, it is actually the size of a big green olive, but I'm not a fan, so tomato it is!

*Please don't mind the state of my wrinkled dress. In my post-work state I had already changed into PJs and dress was in a pile of laundry before I realized we hadn't taken a picture yet :-/

Carbs, etc.

Last weekend we shared the news of our March arrival with our immediate families. It was amazing to see the utter joy that the news brought, and great to be able to talk freely for a change! Keeping this huge of a secret from everyone was harder than I thought it would be.
Interestingly, both families said that they had a feeling...talk about parents' intuition!

We came up with a pretty fun way to tell everyone and had little books printed for both families with this:

133 Injections...

65 Doctor Appointments...

31 Ultrasounds...

2 Surgeries...

37 Eggs...

13 Embryos...

725 Cocktails not sipped...

59 Cigars not smoked...

$23,960.70...

(Ultrasound Picture), Arriving March 2014...Priceless

Way cuter is person and in the form of a booklet, but you get the idea :)

Besides that excitement, this week included a lot of carbs. Like a LOT. To say I have been having some morning sickness is putting it mildly. It is all day sickness, which thank goodness has not involved vomit, but nonetheless makes me feel like utter crap. It feels ironically a lot like a terrible hangover, spins and all. For a girl who hasn't had a hangover since TTC, I find this a cruel joke. Hence the massive amounts of carbs. I have been noshing on bread like a starving person because it's the only way to keep the nausea at bay. Monday I literally went into the bathroom at work and cried because I felt so yucky. That was a first. But, no joke, as I hung my head between my legs (dangerously close to the toilet bowl, I might add) I thought of how many times I pleaded and prayed for this exact thing. How many times I listened to a knocked up mama-to-be complain and thought, "You have no idea how lucky you are". So I am thankful. For every moment that this baby continues to show its presence. I know without a doubt that I would take 57 months of this unpleasantness if it meant I'd meet our baby in seven months. No more pity parties here.

Tuesday we indeed saw the little sucker that is making its Mama so sick. It was nothing short of amazing to see the little blob of blurry cells, twice as big as last week, heart beating (they didn't measure how fast).

 

 Today marks 8 weeks.

You guessed it, we have a raspberry-sized baby up in there!

Mumm Is No Longer the Word. Almost.

No one in real life, aside from the necessary work persons, knows what's going on.

No one knows about the retrieval, the cancelled transfers, the actual transfer, or the little being that is residing in my uterus. I am content with that. For some reason it feels safer. The Hubby is not so into it. He's a "sharer" and is just about busting at the seams to spill the beans to everyone. So we've decided that this weekend we will tell our families. I'm excited to finally get to share some good news, but also a bit nervous. The only point of withholding the information now is so we don't have to share bad news if it happens, but at this point I am feeling like having the support of our families would be good anyway if the worst case scenario happened.

We haven't quite nailed down exactly how we are going to spread the news, but we're working on some fun ideas. I can.not.wait to see their faces! This moment is the whole reason we kept this IVF journey such a secret in the first place!

This week I have felt a bit more pregnant, waking up with nausea that pretty much forces me to eat immediately. Apparently I will not be losing weight in my first trimester like some people do. I'm totally okay with that as long as this babe keeps growing.

Speaking of growing...today marks seven weeks and the tiny one is the size of a blueberry.

I'm sure we will have a busy weekend of family fun, but I'm most looking forward to the ultrasound on Tuesday. Seriously, what do normal people do when they have NO ultrasounds for 8-10 weeks?! I would go bananas wondering if it was still there!

It's There

There is a little one occupying my uterus. A little one with a flickering heart beat. 

 

I was freakishly nervous for today and the nerves were amplified by a horrible 30 minute wait for the ultrasound. When the dildo cam went in, it felt like an eternity before she found what she was looking for. But then I spotted a little black area that looked a lot like so many of the early ultrasound photos of yours that I've seen. Then I saw a flicker. A very faint flicker. And I knew that we had a baby and a beat. And it was amazing.

This little babe is teeny to my eyes, although my RE didn't mention what it was measuring. She said everything looked just as they expected it to with a heart rate of 136 and a due date of March 13th. 

Please, oh please stick around little one!

I have an ultrasounds next Tuesday and one on the week after that, so I'll be getting some good viewing time in the next couple of weeks. 

I also got a schedule to decrease my progesterone injections to 1ml at 7 weeks and to stop my Vivelle patches at 9 weeks, then no more progesterone at 12 weeks. It seems strange to be planning this far ahead...I guess it's the pessimist in me :)

Thank you again for all of the well-wishes. You all are the best! I don't know what I would do if I couldn't share the news with you all since no one in real life knows yet. I'd for sure be crazy. Like more crazy than I am now.

Ultrasound Eve

It is ultrasound eve! I am both excited and scared out of my brains about this. 

I have been symptom-spotting up the wazoo since the disappearance of anything mildly "pregnanty" (totally not a word) but have been trying to reassure myself by what so many of you said about symptoms and lack of symptoms.Thank you for all of those pearls of wisdom!

I will say, the slightly (and I mean, slightly) sore breasts have returned. And do my A cups look more like an A+? And I have some very milk food aversions that usually come on part way through a meal when I realize that whatever I'm eating that tasted good at first doesn't taste good anymore. That's it kids. They're either symptoms or I'm imagining it all. In 3 years of TTC, these would not be the first symptoms I've imagined!

I was talking to The Hubby about the ultrasound today and realized how little I know of what to expect from tomorrow. I think we will either see a baby or we won't and it will either be the right size or it won't and it will have a heartbeat or there will be nothing ticking in there. Sound about right?

I honestly have no idea how I am going to wait until 3:45 tomorrow! I might have to kidnap an ultrasound tech at work in the morning and bribe him to scan me. I'm only kind of joking...

The Case of the Disappearing Symptoms

Today I am, by my calculations, 6 weeks pregnant. I think.

This "two week wait" between the betas and the ultrasound has been one of the harder I've had. I was feeling good after the betas, but then felt helpless. With no symptoms to lean on, no pee sticks to reassure me, and a whole lotta progesterone on board, I can't keep the miscarriage thoughts out of my head. Could I have miscarried but the progesterone is holding it all in? Will there be a heart rate? Will it measure on track? 

Obviously, no amount of worrying or lack there of is going to change the outcome, but I just can't help than to let it dominate my each and every thought.

The past week has been strange. I thought I had some mild symptoms: slightly tender breasts, some extra sleepiness in the afternoons, and a tinge of nausea when I woke up and when I had an empty stomach. Then yesterday...nothing. Hmph. Not sure what to make of it, but hoping I'm just a lucky lady who doesn't have a slew of symptoms. 

I also had to tell someone I was pregnant for the first time ever, my yoga teacher. I think she thought I was crazy when she asked me how far along I was and I said, "5 weeks 3 days". I felt like such an imposter saying I was pregnant! So strange.

Anyway...five more days until we either see a baby or don't.

If it's still in there...the bitty one is the size of a lentil or a sprinkle today :)

Scarred and Scared

Here's the thing. I'm finally with child, and pretty stoked about it. Except for one thing. I am clearly permanently scarred. Scarred from years of bad news, scarred from years of all of blog friends' bad news, and scarred from a relatively new-found distrust in my body and its ability to do the right thing.

This was a rough week in my blog circle. Two of my almost cycle buddies and favorite blog friends, Amanda and Risa both suffered losses. Not that it ever escaped my mind, but their losses hit me hard. They reminded me that life is not fair, that pregnancy can be here one moment and gone the next, and most of all, that just because you deserve a happy ending you aren't always guaranteed one. At least not right now. 

I'm scarred from years of infertility and I'm sad for what we as a community have to endure time after time. 

I'm also scared. Like really scared. I don't know where this journey is going to take me, but I hope that in time (if I'm lucky enough to get it) I can learn to do more than survive this pregnancy, always holding my breath and bracing myself for the worst. I would like to enjoy and thrive in every moment, but I'm just too darned scared to do it. I feel like every moment I enjoy and savor is one more memory that I'll have to endure later if anything goes wrong.

I'm scared to trust in my body and scared to rejoice in good news, because often times good news is followed by the heartbreaking bad.

Aaaaaaah!!!!! a.k.a. Beta #2

This morning's beta was 4,842! That's a doubling time of 49 hours and just where they want me to be.
The first ultrasound is scheduled for July 22nd!
And today I am 5 weeks pregnant. Holy moly.
In other news: my butt is a delightful combination of painful when jiggled and numb, and I think I might have a trace of a symptom: nausea that lasted most of the day yesterday and some of the morning today!!! Yippee! 

The LOOOOOONNNNGGGG awaited beta!

So, it's official. I'm pregnant. The Nurse actually said, "Congratulations, you're Pregnant! Very Pregnant!"

Beta is 2500...something. I don't remember the exact number because I was so nervous, but my clinic is okay with anything over 100, so I feel good about that number :)

I am still a big ball of nerves today and wish I could fast forward to Wednesday and have beta #2 under my belt. I am feeling so insecure about everything even though I have no current reason to worry. I have seen so much heartbreak in this community of people I now consider friends and as much as having such a wonderful group of cheerleaders and buddies is the best, it also has opened my eyes up to the fickle nature of IVF pregnancies. One minute they're there and seemingly fine, the next minute not. 

I have still had zero symptoms which made today excruciating because I was analyzing every possible negative outcome. I don't know why I'm in this weird state, but I hope I can burst out of this funk and move on to enjoying this pregnancy that I hope will last for 9 more months.

So now I have a two day wait. I may regret this later, but symptoms: bring it on!

Awe, Gee!

You all know how to make a girl feel special! 

Thank you so much for all of your well-wishes, words of encouragement, and as usual, for traveling this journey with me. You all were the second people (after the Hubby of course!) that I was dying to tell when I saw that second line.

We are feeling cautiously optimistic going into the beta on Monday. The pee sticks continue to get darker and I'm feeling a bit rundown and tired by the end of the days. This girl has never been more excited to be exhausted :)

I spoke with one of the Nurses who responded to my anxiety about Monday's beta by literally saying, "Well, in my experience if the pregnancy test is positive, the blood test will be too!"

Okay, duh. I'm going to have some HCG in my system, but will it be enough and will it double are the questions here Miss Ignorant Nurse! Geesh.

But she's right, nothing to worry about since I clearly have no control over the outcome anyway!

I hope you all have a wonderful 4th of July! Wishing all of my semi-cycle buddies lots of luck!

Not Empty

My uterus is currently, officially occupied! By an implanted little embryo! 

I've been crazy quiet on the blogging front despite my mind being anything but silent.

I started peeing on sticks 5 days post my transfer. I have a bazillion and one cheapo pregnancy tests that came with a huge supply of OPKs on Amazon, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to burn through a few since my beta is agonizingly far away!

When I peed on that first stick and saw nothing, I'm not gonna lie, I thought this cycle was a bust. No symptoms, no cramping, no sore boobs, no nothing. And negative test.

The next day I saw what I thought was a faint shadow of a line. I did what any crazy, hormonal lady would do and went on a google rampage. Are the lines usually THAT light? False positives ever? What does a positive look like? (There are a surprising amount of photos of pee sticks!)

The next day it was slightly darker I thought. I also dipped a stick in water to make sure I wasn't thinking an evaporation line was a positive or something. Nope, my placebo was just solid white...promising. But still so light!
This went on for a couple more days until today, 8dp5dt, I went all out.
First I peed on the amazon stick. Then I peed on a dollar store test. Both positive but very light.
Then tonight, when I could stand it no longer...I peed on a digital. And the most beautiful word I have ever seen appeared: Pregnant.

I'm freaking out. So many thoughts are swirling in this little mind of mine. I wish so much that I didn't have to wait until next Monday for a beta. I know so much can happen between now and then, and then and the next beta, and the beta and the ultrasound. It's so hard to just be gleeful about it when it's so early. But for now, I'm pregnant and I'm going to try to enjoy every moment as if I were an ignorant, blessed fertile with no reason to believe a positive pregnancy test doesn't guarantee a baby in nine months.

Nada

So....I know it's early and all, but I'm not feeling ANYTHING. Zero symptoms of any kind. Not gonna lie, it's making me nervous. Really nervous. I'm 4dp5dt, supposedly right smack in the middle of implantation and I have not felt a thing. 

I'm trying to stay calm and zen, doing my daily Circle and Bloom guided meditation and trying to keep myself distracted, but a little something to let me know that the bitty baby is planning on sticking around would work like a valium on calming me down a bit.

This is the worst two week wait ever!

And while I'm at it, who makes an IVF patient wait a full 2 weeks for a beta!? Seriously?!

Happenings

Well Folks, I'm exactly 2dp5dt. And not much to report. Feeling totally myself and mostly just trying to not overdo it since I feel so normal. I'm still off work which is both fantastic and torturous. I am lucky to have an obscene amount of sick time and am at the point where I either use it or lose it, so this hopeful Mama is using it! I'm not quite sure how much time I'm taking off, but at least a week. I'm hoping to get some good house organizing done, enjoy the outrageously beautiful weather, and overall just relax. The downside of so much downtime is that I have a lot of time to think about symptoms or lack thereof and to think about it all.the.time. My RE does not recommend bed rest, but does recommend mostly sedentary activities for the first two days, so now that I'm past that I think I will start doing some fun stuff to take my mind off what's going on in there. 

Speaking of...what's going on in there? 

According to my handy dandy chart, at two days post five day transfer the blastocyst should be finishing the hatching process and beginning to implant in the uterus. Hopefully the Wee One is holding up its side of the bargain and doing that!

In other news, my hubby rocks my world when it comes to PIOs! After giving myself the injections for four days and not feeling terribly sore, I was a little nervous to hand over the needle to him. Because, let's be real, he's hardly qualified to stab me in the butt with a needle THAT big! 

Oh man, I was so wrong in doubting him. Just being able to position myself so that my muscle can be completely relaxed has made a world of difference, but he is also very good at darting that sucker in so I hardly feel the poke and then ever so gently pushing it in so my muscle doesn't seize up. He's good. Anyone in the Bay Area need an injector, I have just the guy for you. Bonus: he's out of this world hot too. No more sore lumps for the time being! Yippee!

Not much else to share except that I will be testing and I'll be doing it early. Probably too early, but I just know myself and I know that's what I have to do to remain sane. I haven't decided on the day yet, but I'll be sure to keep you all in the loop :)

The Most Pregnant I've Ever Been

Our most perfect Embryo, hopefully making itself nice and cozy in my no longer empty uterus!

The frozen embryo transfer went off without a hitch today. 

Here's how it went down.

* 11:00 am: Valium down the hatch and chugging the water to fill my bladder up

*11:45 am: Arrive at the clinic, check in, change into some fab socks and gown, hat, and mask.

*12:00 pm: Into the procedure room, meet with embryologist (one 5 day blastocyst thawed according to plan, handled thaw like a champ)

*12:15 pm: Done.

Oh yeah, this baby's going in!

What's going on there? Source

 Thank you for all of the well wishes! I am officially the most pregnant I have ever been an couldn't be more excited! PUPO!

The Moments I Realize I Am Not Okay

This has been a long journey.

There is no infertility story that does not involve a long journey.

But man does it feel long.

There have been times of extreme stress and worry, times of resolution, times of jealousy and introversion, and times of just being. 

The "being" is where I have been for some time now.

I have all of those feelings of stress and worry and jealousy and fatigue...but for the most part they do not dominate my life as they once did. I am living (as best I can within the constraints of my cycles). I am okay.

Today I had one of the moments. One where I realized that even though this journey is not conquering me each and every moment of my day, I am not in fact okay.

I have been attending yoga classes as much as I can in the recent months and cannot believe how much it has helped me mentally and physically. I have not been a yoga lover in the past, but I think it is filling some void in me right now and is just what the doctor ordered!

Today was my last class for a bit since FET is tomorrow (!!!) so after class I checked in with the teacher to see if she had any poses that are easy on the body and good for uterine blood flow or fertility. She's pregnant, she should know, right?

She offered me lots of suggestions and gave me some foods that are supposed to increase fertility. As I was laying on the ground next to her, hips in the air, receiving her well-wishes...I started crying. For no apparent reason except for that I am not 100% okay. I am excited, but more than that I am so freaking nervous that this might not work that I can hardly stand it. Because then what? This is not a question I have had to ask myself yet. There has always been a logical next step, but this is kind of the end of the road. Granted we have a good store of maybe babies in the deep freeze, but it's just a lot, that's all.

So here I am. Feeling so many mixed emotions. I just had my "last supper" of a delicious margarita and too much sushi; hopefully I had enough of both to satisfy me for the next nine months.
Tomorrow is it. One little embryo goes into the uterus.

If any of you have some extra good thoughts, prayers, good karma, etc. please send them my way.
FET in T-16 hours.

PIO

Since The Hubby is out of town, I had a grand plan to have one of my co-workers give me my first progesterone injection tonight before I left work. Luckily since I am a nurse, there is no shortage of qualified injectors floating around. Good plan, bad execution.

Lupron brain over her left work in a rush and forgot to have my designated shot-giver shoot me up first! Balls! 

Finally I worked up the courage and after probably 10 minutes of staring at my ass cheek with the syringe ready to plunge...I did it. And it wasn't that bad. The worst part was the darting; after the needle was in it was smooth sailing. I walked and lunged around and massage the heck out of my butt trying my best to contract my gluts and hopefully disperse the oil. Now I'm sitting on my heating pad hoping it helps. I already feel my muscle is a bit sore and judging from how I felt after my IM HCG injections, some degree of soreness is just going to happen.

I'm considering this a successful first day. Hoping for many more weeks of this!

FET is on!

Deep breaths are in order. FET is on!!! 

I had my first appointment in quite a while and was more nervous than I let myself believe I was. That cancelled cycle really messed with me. I was preparing myself for another cancelled cycle and another couple months of waiting. But all is well in the world and the transfer is scheduled for Monday afternoon.

My uterine lining was measured at 8.4mm, which he said was good. I have yet to obsessively google how good it is, but I'm sure that will come later...

Now all that is between me and our embryo is 5 days and some progesterone injections starting tomorrow (kind of nervous about those!)

 And here's the schedule!

I'm arming myself with a heating pad and will be walking, walking, walking after the shots to hopefully help disperse the medication and avoid the painful, lumpy ass that so many of you have warned me about! Any other suggestions?

The Case of the Incredible, Expanding Woman

So I've gained a little lot of weight.

I don't know what the difference between the IVF cycle and this FET cycle is, but holy moly, the pounds are packing on. At least I feel like they are. I am NOT stepping on the scale for fear of depressing myself too much. Since I have no stims going on, I can exercise normally, but I still feel like no matter what I do I am getting jigglier and jigglier by the day. I know some of it is related to my diet. For some reason I have not been able to reign it in despite my best intentions. I'm blaming it on the lupron. Lupron is quite the scapegoat around these parts. 

I thought about doing a short stunt with weight watchers or something, but I'm not sure if uterine lining is at all effected by decreased caloric intake, so I'm just resigning myself to some weight gain (or at least not weight loss) until the cycle is done or I have a baby in this uterus. 

The upside is that I can't wear a bikini anyway because I have vivelle patches all over my abdomen, so I guess bring on the rolls :(

Patching It Up

Not much new around these parts aside from a vivelle patch on my belly. This is a new addition this time around and so far the easiest infertility treatment I've experienced! A clear, non-painful patch on the tummy I can handle. I swap it out every three days, gradually increasing until I have four on at one time. I am slightly curious how I'm going to squeeze them all in and still have room to rotate my Lupron injections :) The next step is a lining check and meeting with my in-cycle nurse coordinator to go over the schedule, but that's not until June 18th. I feel like I have the longest IVF course in history. I'll have to peek back at my timeline, but I'm pretty sure our IVF consult was like 2 years ago. Argh. BUT! Keeping my eye on the prize...

 The Hubby is gone on a work trip for almost three weeks, which I think is making time move a little quicker. I do NOT know how single Moms function. I'm so, so busy! And I'm just a Puppy Mom currently! Thankfully he'll be back just in time for planned FET. I'm so excited, but trying my hardest to not wish my weeks away. It's so easy to do in this infertility cycle of cycles!

Even Fertiles Are Obsessed With Fertility

Let me preface this post by saying that I attended a baby shower yesterday. And I was the only one who wasn't a.) pregnant b.) already 2 kids down or c.) less than two years old.

So now that you know my state of mind...

Everyone is obsessed with fertility. 

I was kind of not that into the whole baby shower thing yesterday, but I wasn't dreading it that much. My friend did not have an easy first pregnancy as she delivered at 30 weeks and had her baby in the NICU for over 2 months. I'm not sure why this gives her a hall pass in my book, but it does. Whatevs. 

The shower was filled with mostly people I didn't know that well and started out well; lots of small talk and niceties. Then the pregnant chick showed up. (The other pregnant chick...not the one being showered) I didn't strike up conversation with her right away, but couldn't help overhearing other people's conversations with her. How her shower is next week and how she was just in Europe not too long ago, and how she's having a girl, etc. But then the conversation turned to conception, as I realized it often does around the fertile crowd. 

Apparently they are newlyweds. They got pregnant like RIGHT away. They were trying, but "didn't think it would happen so gosh darn fast!" Me: "Wow. That's awesome". 

No joke, a direct quote from someone else at the party: "Oh my gosh! Me too! We were using those ovulation test thingys...do you guys know what those are?" Me: If you only knew...

"And anyways...they kept saying negative! I was so confused and though maybe I was broken or I was using them wrong. Nope! I was already pregnant! I guess you don't ovulate if you're already pregnant! hahaha"

Oh boy. At this point I was trying to exit stage right. 

But then a husband chimed in- "Yeah, we weren't even trying, but I guess my little guys are pretty determined! And the Mrs gets pregnant just by looking at me!"

Ugh. That's when I gagged.

So ladies, while we thought we were the only ones obsessed with our fertility...wrong! Those pesky fertiles like nothing more than to talk about how easy it was to get pregnant! 

There were several times in the flurry of conversations about how crazy fertile everyone was that I wanted to pipe in with a snarky remark like, "Weird...you got pregnant by having sex? That doesn't make you a overly fertile person...that makes you normal. Awesome, your wife is knocked up! That does not mean that your wiener works wonders or that your sperm have super powers. It makes you just an average Joe."

Obviously I'm a little sensitive about this, but I find it incredibly annoying how often people tout their fertility. I do not expect people to tiptoe around my fertility. Most people don't even know we are having issues. I just find it odd that pregnancy causes so much gloating.

Sorry, rant done.