No Miracles

No miracles happening here, people. 

We've been loosely "trying", actually staying very relaxed with the whole process shockingly! If it was gonna happen, I think it would have happened now because we really aren't thinking about it much. A natural pregnancy is seemingly not in the cards for us, so we're heading back to the RE in the end of June as we decided we would do.

In some ways I feel very calm about the whole situation because I know what to expect and I know from experience that we can have a successful FET. In other ways I am terrified. Mostly I am scared to reopen the emotional floodgates that tag along with fertility treatments, but also I am nervous that it won't work. I mean, duh, right? But I think more so because my only experience is that it does work, so I know that subconsciously I am expecting this one to work too. And the disappointment if it doesn't? Ugh.

Anyway, thought I keep y'all in the loop! 

In other news, my Sweet P is blossoming into such an amazing little toddler. I'm still not quite sure when that happened, but it did. It is wonderful and exhausting and challenging. I am just so glad she's mine.

That lip.

I mean...does it get cuter?

Don't mind the runny nose!

The Case of the Disappearing Symptoms

Today I am, by my calculations, 6 weeks pregnant. I think.

This "two week wait" between the betas and the ultrasound has been one of the harder I've had. I was feeling good after the betas, but then felt helpless. With no symptoms to lean on, no pee sticks to reassure me, and a whole lotta progesterone on board, I can't keep the miscarriage thoughts out of my head. Could I have miscarried but the progesterone is holding it all in? Will there be a heart rate? Will it measure on track? 

Obviously, no amount of worrying or lack there of is going to change the outcome, but I just can't help than to let it dominate my each and every thought.

The past week has been strange. I thought I had some mild symptoms: slightly tender breasts, some extra sleepiness in the afternoons, and a tinge of nausea when I woke up and when I had an empty stomach. Then yesterday...nothing. Hmph. Not sure what to make of it, but hoping I'm just a lucky lady who doesn't have a slew of symptoms. 

I also had to tell someone I was pregnant for the first time ever, my yoga teacher. I think she thought I was crazy when she asked me how far along I was and I said, "5 weeks 3 days". I felt like such an imposter saying I was pregnant! So strange.

Anyway...five more days until we either see a baby or don't.

If it's still in there...the bitty one is the size of a lentil or a sprinkle today :)

Scarred and Scared

Here's the thing. I'm finally with child, and pretty stoked about it. Except for one thing. I am clearly permanently scarred. Scarred from years of bad news, scarred from years of all of blog friends' bad news, and scarred from a relatively new-found distrust in my body and its ability to do the right thing.

This was a rough week in my blog circle. Two of my almost cycle buddies and favorite blog friends, Amanda and Risa both suffered losses. Not that it ever escaped my mind, but their losses hit me hard. They reminded me that life is not fair, that pregnancy can be here one moment and gone the next, and most of all, that just because you deserve a happy ending you aren't always guaranteed one. At least not right now. 

I'm scarred from years of infertility and I'm sad for what we as a community have to endure time after time. 

I'm also scared. Like really scared. I don't know where this journey is going to take me, but I hope that in time (if I'm lucky enough to get it) I can learn to do more than survive this pregnancy, always holding my breath and bracing myself for the worst. I would like to enjoy and thrive in every moment, but I'm just too darned scared to do it. I feel like every moment I enjoy and savor is one more memory that I'll have to endure later if anything goes wrong.

I'm scared to trust in my body and scared to rejoice in good news, because often times good news is followed by the heartbreaking bad.

Aaaaaaah!!!!! a.k.a. Beta #2

This morning's beta was 4,842! That's a doubling time of 49 hours and just where they want me to be.
The first ultrasound is scheduled for July 22nd!
And today I am 5 weeks pregnant. Holy moly.
In other news: my butt is a delightful combination of painful when jiggled and numb, and I think I might have a trace of a symptom: nausea that lasted most of the day yesterday and some of the morning today!!! Yippee! 

The LOOOOOONNNNGGGG awaited beta!

So, it's official. I'm pregnant. The Nurse actually said, "Congratulations, you're Pregnant! Very Pregnant!"

Beta is 2500...something. I don't remember the exact number because I was so nervous, but my clinic is okay with anything over 100, so I feel good about that number :)

I am still a big ball of nerves today and wish I could fast forward to Wednesday and have beta #2 under my belt. I am feeling so insecure about everything even though I have no current reason to worry. I have seen so much heartbreak in this community of people I now consider friends and as much as having such a wonderful group of cheerleaders and buddies is the best, it also has opened my eyes up to the fickle nature of IVF pregnancies. One minute they're there and seemingly fine, the next minute not. 

I have still had zero symptoms which made today excruciating because I was analyzing every possible negative outcome. I don't know why I'm in this weird state, but I hope I can burst out of this funk and move on to enjoying this pregnancy that I hope will last for 9 more months.

So now I have a two day wait. I may regret this later, but symptoms: bring it on!

Awe, Gee!

You all know how to make a girl feel special! 

Thank you so much for all of your well-wishes, words of encouragement, and as usual, for traveling this journey with me. You all were the second people (after the Hubby of course!) that I was dying to tell when I saw that second line.

We are feeling cautiously optimistic going into the beta on Monday. The pee sticks continue to get darker and I'm feeling a bit rundown and tired by the end of the days. This girl has never been more excited to be exhausted :)

I spoke with one of the Nurses who responded to my anxiety about Monday's beta by literally saying, "Well, in my experience if the pregnancy test is positive, the blood test will be too!"

Okay, duh. I'm going to have some HCG in my system, but will it be enough and will it double are the questions here Miss Ignorant Nurse! Geesh.

But she's right, nothing to worry about since I clearly have no control over the outcome anyway!

I hope you all have a wonderful 4th of July! Wishing all of my semi-cycle buddies lots of luck!

Nada

So....I know it's early and all, but I'm not feeling ANYTHING. Zero symptoms of any kind. Not gonna lie, it's making me nervous. Really nervous. I'm 4dp5dt, supposedly right smack in the middle of implantation and I have not felt a thing. 

I'm trying to stay calm and zen, doing my daily Circle and Bloom guided meditation and trying to keep myself distracted, but a little something to let me know that the bitty baby is planning on sticking around would work like a valium on calming me down a bit.

This is the worst two week wait ever!

And while I'm at it, who makes an IVF patient wait a full 2 weeks for a beta!? Seriously?!

Happenings

Well Folks, I'm exactly 2dp5dt. And not much to report. Feeling totally myself and mostly just trying to not overdo it since I feel so normal. I'm still off work which is both fantastic and torturous. I am lucky to have an obscene amount of sick time and am at the point where I either use it or lose it, so this hopeful Mama is using it! I'm not quite sure how much time I'm taking off, but at least a week. I'm hoping to get some good house organizing done, enjoy the outrageously beautiful weather, and overall just relax. The downside of so much downtime is that I have a lot of time to think about symptoms or lack thereof and to think about it all.the.time. My RE does not recommend bed rest, but does recommend mostly sedentary activities for the first two days, so now that I'm past that I think I will start doing some fun stuff to take my mind off what's going on in there. 

Speaking of...what's going on in there? 

According to my handy dandy chart, at two days post five day transfer the blastocyst should be finishing the hatching process and beginning to implant in the uterus. Hopefully the Wee One is holding up its side of the bargain and doing that!

In other news, my hubby rocks my world when it comes to PIOs! After giving myself the injections for four days and not feeling terribly sore, I was a little nervous to hand over the needle to him. Because, let's be real, he's hardly qualified to stab me in the butt with a needle THAT big! 

Oh man, I was so wrong in doubting him. Just being able to position myself so that my muscle can be completely relaxed has made a world of difference, but he is also very good at darting that sucker in so I hardly feel the poke and then ever so gently pushing it in so my muscle doesn't seize up. He's good. Anyone in the Bay Area need an injector, I have just the guy for you. Bonus: he's out of this world hot too. No more sore lumps for the time being! Yippee!

Not much else to share except that I will be testing and I'll be doing it early. Probably too early, but I just know myself and I know that's what I have to do to remain sane. I haven't decided on the day yet, but I'll be sure to keep you all in the loop :)

The Moments I Realize I Am Not Okay

This has been a long journey.

There is no infertility story that does not involve a long journey.

But man does it feel long.

There have been times of extreme stress and worry, times of resolution, times of jealousy and introversion, and times of just being. 

The "being" is where I have been for some time now.

I have all of those feelings of stress and worry and jealousy and fatigue...but for the most part they do not dominate my life as they once did. I am living (as best I can within the constraints of my cycles). I am okay.

Today I had one of the moments. One where I realized that even though this journey is not conquering me each and every moment of my day, I am not in fact okay.

I have been attending yoga classes as much as I can in the recent months and cannot believe how much it has helped me mentally and physically. I have not been a yoga lover in the past, but I think it is filling some void in me right now and is just what the doctor ordered!

Today was my last class for a bit since FET is tomorrow (!!!) so after class I checked in with the teacher to see if she had any poses that are easy on the body and good for uterine blood flow or fertility. She's pregnant, she should know, right?

She offered me lots of suggestions and gave me some foods that are supposed to increase fertility. As I was laying on the ground next to her, hips in the air, receiving her well-wishes...I started crying. For no apparent reason except for that I am not 100% okay. I am excited, but more than that I am so freaking nervous that this might not work that I can hardly stand it. Because then what? This is not a question I have had to ask myself yet. There has always been a logical next step, but this is kind of the end of the road. Granted we have a good store of maybe babies in the deep freeze, but it's just a lot, that's all.

So here I am. Feeling so many mixed emotions. I just had my "last supper" of a delicious margarita and too much sushi; hopefully I had enough of both to satisfy me for the next nine months.
Tomorrow is it. One little embryo goes into the uterus.

If any of you have some extra good thoughts, prayers, good karma, etc. please send them my way.
FET in T-16 hours.

FET is on!

Deep breaths are in order. FET is on!!! 

I had my first appointment in quite a while and was more nervous than I let myself believe I was. That cancelled cycle really messed with me. I was preparing myself for another cancelled cycle and another couple months of waiting. But all is well in the world and the transfer is scheduled for Monday afternoon.

My uterine lining was measured at 8.4mm, which he said was good. I have yet to obsessively google how good it is, but I'm sure that will come later...

Now all that is between me and our embryo is 5 days and some progesterone injections starting tomorrow (kind of nervous about those!)

 And here's the schedule!

I'm arming myself with a heating pad and will be walking, walking, walking after the shots to hopefully help disperse the medication and avoid the painful, lumpy ass that so many of you have warned me about! Any other suggestions?

The Case of the Incredible, Expanding Woman

So I've gained a little lot of weight.

I don't know what the difference between the IVF cycle and this FET cycle is, but holy moly, the pounds are packing on. At least I feel like they are. I am NOT stepping on the scale for fear of depressing myself too much. Since I have no stims going on, I can exercise normally, but I still feel like no matter what I do I am getting jigglier and jigglier by the day. I know some of it is related to my diet. For some reason I have not been able to reign it in despite my best intentions. I'm blaming it on the lupron. Lupron is quite the scapegoat around these parts. 

I thought about doing a short stunt with weight watchers or something, but I'm not sure if uterine lining is at all effected by decreased caloric intake, so I'm just resigning myself to some weight gain (or at least not weight loss) until the cycle is done or I have a baby in this uterus. 

The upside is that I can't wear a bikini anyway because I have vivelle patches all over my abdomen, so I guess bring on the rolls :(

Patching It Up

Not much new around these parts aside from a vivelle patch on my belly. This is a new addition this time around and so far the easiest infertility treatment I've experienced! A clear, non-painful patch on the tummy I can handle. I swap it out every three days, gradually increasing until I have four on at one time. I am slightly curious how I'm going to squeeze them all in and still have room to rotate my Lupron injections :) The next step is a lining check and meeting with my in-cycle nurse coordinator to go over the schedule, but that's not until June 18th. I feel like I have the longest IVF course in history. I'll have to peek back at my timeline, but I'm pretty sure our IVF consult was like 2 years ago. Argh. BUT! Keeping my eye on the prize...

 The Hubby is gone on a work trip for almost three weeks, which I think is making time move a little quicker. I do NOT know how single Moms function. I'm so, so busy! And I'm just a Puppy Mom currently! Thankfully he'll be back just in time for planned FET. I'm so excited, but trying my hardest to not wish my weeks away. It's so easy to do in this infertility cycle of cycles!

Even Fertiles Are Obsessed With Fertility

Let me preface this post by saying that I attended a baby shower yesterday. And I was the only one who wasn't a.) pregnant b.) already 2 kids down or c.) less than two years old.

So now that you know my state of mind...

Everyone is obsessed with fertility. 

I was kind of not that into the whole baby shower thing yesterday, but I wasn't dreading it that much. My friend did not have an easy first pregnancy as she delivered at 30 weeks and had her baby in the NICU for over 2 months. I'm not sure why this gives her a hall pass in my book, but it does. Whatevs. 

The shower was filled with mostly people I didn't know that well and started out well; lots of small talk and niceties. Then the pregnant chick showed up. (The other pregnant chick...not the one being showered) I didn't strike up conversation with her right away, but couldn't help overhearing other people's conversations with her. How her shower is next week and how she was just in Europe not too long ago, and how she's having a girl, etc. But then the conversation turned to conception, as I realized it often does around the fertile crowd. 

Apparently they are newlyweds. They got pregnant like RIGHT away. They were trying, but "didn't think it would happen so gosh darn fast!" Me: "Wow. That's awesome". 

No joke, a direct quote from someone else at the party: "Oh my gosh! Me too! We were using those ovulation test thingys...do you guys know what those are?" Me: If you only knew...

"And anyways...they kept saying negative! I was so confused and though maybe I was broken or I was using them wrong. Nope! I was already pregnant! I guess you don't ovulate if you're already pregnant! hahaha"

Oh boy. At this point I was trying to exit stage right. 

But then a husband chimed in- "Yeah, we weren't even trying, but I guess my little guys are pretty determined! And the Mrs gets pregnant just by looking at me!"

Ugh. That's when I gagged.

So ladies, while we thought we were the only ones obsessed with our fertility...wrong! Those pesky fertiles like nothing more than to talk about how easy it was to get pregnant! 

There were several times in the flurry of conversations about how crazy fertile everyone was that I wanted to pipe in with a snarky remark like, "Weird...you got pregnant by having sex? That doesn't make you a overly fertile person...that makes you normal. Awesome, your wife is knocked up! That does not mean that your wiener works wonders or that your sperm have super powers. It makes you just an average Joe."

Obviously I'm a little sensitive about this, but I find it incredibly annoying how often people tout their fertility. I do not expect people to tiptoe around my fertility. Most people don't even know we are having issues. I just find it odd that pregnancy causes so much gloating.

Sorry, rant done.

This Bubble Has Burst

I have been quiet on the blogging front mostly because I have almost nothing to say fertility-related after my cancelled FET. We are literally just waiting.

All of this waiting has given me time to think, which I'm not sure is a good thing. 

My IVF retrieval and most of what followed was very benign. Eggs retrieved, eggs fertilized, eggs grew, eggs frozen. Besides the OHSS leading to no fresh transfer, I was feeling pretty stoked about how everything went down. It seemed my body was pretty darn cooperative for once in its reproductive life. Then the natural FET cycle happened and my optimism faded. 

For one, I was reminded that hopes can be shattered in an instant. I was also reminded that even after all of this, even after 13 eggs, there are no guarantees that this is going to bring us a baby. 

The natural cycle gave me one thing (besides a lot of extra "wasted time"). It gave use new information that potentially explains why we have not been successful making babies the normal way. While I feel like this information is great to have for the future, I am just so pissed off that there is another little bit of something that is not quite right. And I'm scared that once an embryo is transferred, we might find out that something else is wrong. I just want something to go right. And I want a baby.

My BFF has a baby that she calls my Goddaughter despite how horribly distant I became in her pregnancy. I cannot say that I am completely over that, but I am so happy that she is a bigger person that I and has persevered and made us an integral part of her daughter's life.

I have a long blog post about how hard it was for me when she announced that she was pregnant. We had discussed just a month or so before that she was officially "trying" and I had shared that we were also trying, but with no luck for 9 months. Obviously, she did not have trouble and was pregnant in about two cycles. Cue jealous Empty Uterus. 

This baby of hers is now having her first birthday party in two weeks and is walking. Wowzers. I still can't help but be a little bit envious, and it always tugs at my heart strings when we are around her and I see how much The Hubby adores her and has become such a natural Daddy. 

So many of you posted on Mother's Day and I thought about posting many times but was traveling and busy so never got around to it.  Mother's Day has really always been about my own Mom. I don't think the last few years I even really thought about it in relation to my infertility...not sure why. This year was for some reason very different for me. We celebrated with my Mom,  The Hubby's Step Mom, and my Sister-In-Law. It hit me harder than I thought it would seeing everyone with their flowers and wishing each other a happy day. I held it together, but I was pretty emotional. 

 A work colleague who struggled with infertility posted this: "...until three year's ago, Mother's day was special day to honor my mother and the other wonderful ladies around me, but it was also such a sad day for myself. To all the ladies out there praying to be a mom, I hope these pictures give you some inspiration to have a family. If I can be a mom, you can too. I will keep all of you in my prayers that one day your wishes, desires and dreams do come true. xoxo!!" Flood gates open for the first time.

I knew my Mom was having a rough time for me, because she's like that- always thinking of others first. I think she wasn't sure if she should say something or not, but finally did in a very subtle way. Something along the lines of "Next year we'll be celebrating you because it is going to happen for you". Ugh. Flood gates again. For some reason it did make me feel better for someone to acknowledge that this was a hard day because we should have been celebrating my motherhood too. Moms are the best. 

Anyhoo...

I am one week in on birth control pills and will start Lupron a week from Monday and Vivelle patches a little over a week after that to prep for what will hopefully be a smooth FET in late June. I am going into this one a little less green and a little more jaded, but am hopeful that I can reign myself in and get myself in a nice, positive state before then.

I probably won't be posting a lot until the action starts :) but I have and will be reading along with all of you!

F#*K!

Seriously?

This was not my best day ever.

Four days from my planned FET and shit happens. Bad shit. Like cancelled cycle bad.

I got a call from the RE office yesterday after my progesterone level came back. Still too low, so they didn't think I had ovulated yet. I went back today for a followup level and got a call from the RE a tad bit too early to be a routine call. "It's not good news" he said right away. My progesterone level was even a little bit lower than yesterday. WTF. The cycle theoretically could be salvaged if they pumped me up with a ton of progesterone, but the odds of it succeeding are very low and not worthy of my best embryo. 

So.....

We start over. This time with a controlled cycle. Boo. Hiss.

I am So. Disappointed.

I know that this is the right thing to do. I know that. But BOO!!!

Dr. Tran said that the silver lining is that they now have a clue to why we have not succeeded in the past. My progesterone levels have always been normal at CD 21, but I've never tested this early, so the theory is that my progesterone level doesn't rise fast enough to get a pregnancy going. Maybe. He explained that "normal" progesterone at CD 21 is kind of a mystery. Some people say that the level should be above 5. Some say above 10. No one's really that sure. He does know that mine was supposed to be 2.5 or greater after ovulation and it's only 1.3. 

So we put off procreation for another long while. What's another couple months, right? :(

It already feels like eternity.

I haven't gotten my revised plan yet, but it sounds like I'll start birth control pills again when I get my period and start lupron after that, this time with progesterone patches. 

But for now we wait. While everyone and their Mother gets knocked up the old fashioned way.

Trigger Happy

I have been testing with OPKs for several days now and still no positive. Yesterday I started feeling like ovulation was near (only an infertile can predict ovulation without OPKs!) but still no positive this morning, so in to the clinic I went. Sure enough, big whopping follicle on the right side ready and waiting to come on out. Because I'm on CD15, my RE decided to give me a trigger shot of HCG tonight so I would ovulate. I think just to be sure that my body didn't do something wonky and decide to hold off for a while or not ovulate at all :)

The control freak in me feels a little bit better now that this cycle is not all depending on my own body! Ha ha!

I will trigger tonight around 10pm, go back tomorrow morning for a progesterone level check, and then we're free to live our lives as scheduled until the transfer on Saturday! I am so excited to get one of those maybe-babies in here!!!

Back to Square Two

Hello ICLWers!

Today was my CD11 ultrasound in preparation for my natural FET. I have one 12 mm follicle on my right ovary that is looking like it will be the winner this month. Except that it's not going to make a baby. But it will get some of the job done :) The plan is to put one nearly perfect embryo into my uterus six days after ovulation, so hopefully next week! Yippee! 

I expressed my concerns about the lack of progesterone support and he said, "You want progesterone!? In your ass everyday!?" Uh, no Doc, not really...but kind of.

He explained that I will be getting a shot of HCG instead and since it lasts longer I will not need the progesterone. I haven't researched all of that quite yet, but that will come tonight. I think I'm on board after his reassurance.

So now we're back to square two. Not quite square one, where we have sex and fun, but square two where I hold my pee so I can do an OPK at the right time of day. But this time, the timed intercourse will not be important (although you better believe we'll still have it...just in case!) but so that I can then schedule an ultrasound to make sure I ovulate so they can time my FET. 

I can't wait! Any FET, implantation, etc. tips?

Natural feels very...NOT natural

I had my baseline ultrasound yesterday and my ovaries look "quiet". Fab. Moving on to FET as planned. 

Next appointment is scheduled for next Wednesday (cycle day 11) and I will start ovulation testing next Tuesday. I think I'm going to be super anal and test twice daily as my acupuncturist once recommended. The last thing I need is to miss my ovulation or something.

Here is where I need some serious help/reassurance. I clarified the plan for my natural FET and all of this naturalness is really starting to freak me out. Has anyone out there done a natural FET??? 

No progesterone at all? Now don't get me wrong, missing out on a nightly shot in the butt sounds more than a little awesome. But....

Has anyone successfully been able to trust their body to do the right thing? My mind is not adjusting well to the idea of not doing anything at all when the original plan was to do everything.
I'm going to talk with my RE about my concerns, but I have a feeling he is going to reassure me that they will monitor, etc and not to worry. I know we have a lot of frozen babes in there, but I don't want to waste any on a "we thought your body would make its only progesterone, but it didn't" situations. I also have always had a weird feeling that my progesterone might drop just after the normal CD 21 that they test it on because every 9 DPO, I feel a weird shift and I know I'm going to get my period even though it doesn't come for many more days.

What do you all think? Am I being paranoid? Should I use the progesterone that I already have in my possession from scheduled fresh transfer ;)

Counting Again

And here we are.

Cycle day uno.

It has been a wait, that is for certain, but it has been maybe the most un-fertility-focused time we have had in years. I mean, if I was ever going to get pregnant due to that "lack of trying luck", this would have been the time. 

I can't say that I wasn't paying attention at all, but I wasn't timing intercourse or logging into Fertilityfriend daily, so it was an improvement!

I have an ultrasound early next week and hopefully we'll be on our way.

Ready or not, FET here we come!

Bored and Impatient

I have approximately six weeks between my egg retrieval and the start of Mission Frozen Embryo Transfer. At first, I must say, I was feeling quite...great. It's amazing how marked the difference is between my body when I'm on meds and my body when I am not. I didn't realize how off I felt for the last few months as my body was pumped with drugs until I got my period and felt so myself again. 

But now I am extremely bored and even more impatient. Boring is usually kind of good in the world of fertility treatments, but not doing anything just feels weird and not productive after so much time of doing things to try to get knocked up. 

And seriously. Six weeks feels incredibly long when you're waiting around for a period to start so you can finally use the embryos that are just waiting to come to life in your uterus. It's like a two week wait on steroids. 

I have also been feeling kind of crampy the last few days, almost like I am about to get my period. And crabby, crabby, crabby. I'm assuming that my hormones are all out of whack and my body is trying to figure out what to do next, but the thought of being in this cranky state for the next week or so until my period starts doesn't sound so fun. I'm not sure if The Hubby will survive. 

The good news is that in somewhere around a week, the waiting game will end and the ultrasounds and body preparation will begin! I can't wait!!!