Here's the thing. I'm finally with child, and pretty stoked about it. Except for one thing. I am clearly permanently scarred. Scarred from years of bad news, scarred from years of all of blog friends' bad news, and scarred from a relatively new-found distrust in my body and its ability to do the right thing.
This was a rough week in my blog circle. Two of my almost cycle buddies and favorite blog friends, Amanda and Risa both suffered losses. Not that it ever escaped my mind, but their losses hit me hard. They reminded me that life is not fair, that pregnancy can be here one moment and gone the next, and most of all, that just because you deserve a happy ending you aren't always guaranteed one. At least not right now.
I'm scarred from years of infertility and I'm sad for what we as a community have to endure time after time.
I'm also scared. Like really scared. I don't know where this journey is going to take me, but I hope that in time (if I'm lucky enough to get it) I can learn to do more than survive this pregnancy, always holding my breath and bracing myself for the worst. I would like to enjoy and thrive in every moment, but I'm just too darned scared to do it. I feel like every moment I enjoy and savor is one more memory that I'll have to endure later if anything goes wrong.
I'm scared to trust in my body and scared to rejoice in good news, because often times good news is followed by the heartbreaking bad.
I've never been pregnant, but I know some IF bloggers who've said that what helped them was knowing that worrying won't change anything, and if you lose the joy in this time you can't get it back. It's like that saying, "Worrying is betting on a bad outcome."
ReplyDeleteAs I said, I've never been pregnant so I can't know your fear. But I hope you won't let your fear override your joy.
I am totally in the same boat - you want to enjoy every moment but it's all just so scary! I feel like this first trimester has just dragged on! But Anne is right with her comment - we can sit here and stress and worry every day...it won't change anything. It might even make things worse. This week I am trying to just savor every day.
ReplyDeleteBoth feelings are normal. It was so hard to enjoy this pregnancy when I got my bfp. There was no screaming when I saw the positive, no jumping up and down with dh. We were so used to never being pregnant that we couldn't celebrate it the way the folks in the movies do. With every cramp I had, I ran to the bathroom expecting to see blood. At one point, dh almost lost it because I started seeing *tmi* chunky cm and thought I was losing my mucus plug. Its hard to calm down and enjoy it when you're so used to the struggle. I finally started to ease up when each weekly u/s showed a growing baby and strong hb. I learned to ignore the mild cramps and by the time I got to go off pio, I felt good about it. Once we were dismissed at 10 weeks, we ordered a doppler to keep ourselves at ease and that's helped dh a lot. We had a great nt scan and 2 months later, a great anatomy scan. Now I'm feeling strong healthy kicks and loving knowing our little baby is doing all he can to meet us. I'm 16 weeks away from baby day and even tho I mostly think ahead to that day with excitement, I still occasionally let myself think that there's always a possibility things can go wrong. And that still scares me. Normal women don't think like that. But we're different. We fought desperately to get to this point. So we already have it ingrained in us that nothing comes easy. You'll never relax 100% because you know better. But I can tell you it does get easier. With every good dr visit, with every magical hb and with every awesome ultrasound you see, it gets better. And you'll be less scared the closer you get to meeting baby. The scars will always be there, but they'll fade and be replaced by stretch marks! Lol. Take it easy and enjoy your new beginnings, IF sister. You're finally pregnant!
ReplyDeleteI imagine it's a terrible place to be after everything you've been through. Absolutely nothing about the journey of IF actually prepares us for pregnancy, and more importantly for pregnancy after/during IF. I often think about what it would be like to actually be the success story, to be the pregnant one… how would I handle it? how would everyone else handle it? how would I cross over from infertile to pregnant, mom-to-be? I have no answers for you, no solution to the problem, no secret to survive the next few days and weeks, but just know that we are all rooting for you, praying for you, hoping the very best for you!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your post! It probably puts into words what my week since Wednesday has been like so much better than I can. Please know that I am so sorry you are scared, but I am right there with you. Everyone keeps telling me that it is part of a momma's love and that is something I have to hold on to because until now I have not been able to know what it is like to give a momma's love. Regardless of the outcome for both of us, be greatful for the opportunity to love with a full heart of a momma!
ReplyDeletethinking about you!
ReplyDeleteThank you for caring, I am truly going to miss being your cycle buddy.
ReplyDeleteI don't think the fear goes away because we (infertiles) are so USED to bad things happening. But comfort yourself in knowing that miscarriage is more uncommon than it is common, even for us. And also, as someone said above, worrying won't change what's going to happen anyway. Try to enjoy these moments because you deserve to. Plus, positive thoughts are helpful, right?
Thinking of you and hoping beyond hope that it's smooth sailing from here on out.
Yep. I saw this thing that said 70% of pregnancies end in a mc. I have learned not to take these things for granted. I have also learned to enjoy the happiness when it is there. Many prayers for you for a healthy pregnancy.
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