Stick It To Me

I attended the IVF injection class last week and am feeling quite ready to start, but (thank God) we're waiting for insurance authorization, so will wait until next cycle. 

The Hubby and I attended an injection class previously for our IUI cycles, but since it was at a different clinic we had to repeat the class. I went in feeling like it would be a bit of a waste of time since I had already been giving injections to myself and because I am a Nurse, but I am so happy they made me go.

Whenever I am in a room full of other infertiles, people who have tried everything under the sun to make a baby, I remember that there is simply nothing I could have done differently to prevent this. 

I have always prided myself on being a pretty healthy person. I eat well, exercise regularly, and take good care of my body is general. I thought I had good genes. 

And then I couldn't make a baby.

And that made me feel like my body was not the glorious, healthy thing that I had always thought it to be. I dove in head first to alternative therapies; I pretty much stopped doing anything that would potentially screw up my body chemistry. But it didn't work. 

For some reason, sitting in a room of such diverse people, but also people who look just like me, makes me feel a little bit better. It has nothing to do with how healthy or unhealthy I am. For some reason, my body isn't making a baby the natural way. But neither are all of these people's bodies. They look healthy, vibrant, smart, and and frankly...like people with good baby-making skills. And they don't have a baby either. 

The Hubby couldn't attend the class, so I flew solo, but took impeccable notes so I can be sure that he shoots me up the right way! 

I learned a lot about the different meds I will be on, the side effects, and for how long I will be taking each. Most of the information was not new, but hearing it again really made it sink in. We are doing this...and it is not going to be easy. I have read so many bloggers' journeys, but never really thought about how big a deal this is. Yes I've injected myself with some meds, but never so many! And those progesterone shots? For up to twelve weeks?! Wowzers! 

I'm planning on taking some time off work for the cycle because I have so much sick time and feel like being work free for a week or two will do me good in more ways than one. I haven't quite figured out the timing of my time off. Any suggestions from those of you that have done this? When would be the best time to be off? Will it drive me crazy not working in the 2 week wait? 

Then the logistics of potentially giving myself progesterone shots in the butt...has anyone done this? There is a very good chance My Hubs will be out of the country on business for 2 of the weeks after the transfer and I'm not looking forward to it at all! Maybe I'll recruit a coworker to jab me in the ass. 

Overall, I'm both terrified and so excited that we will be moving forward very, very soon! If all goes well with insurance, hopefully in just under 4 weeks :)

Any other advice? Diet modifications? Circle and Bloom CDs? What worked for you? What didn't?

My thanks are late

This Thanksgiving season left me feeling very thankful. 

And no, I'm not pregnant. 

This has been a very big year for us including many "woe is me" moments, many heart-to-hearts with the Hubby, many medications and procedures, and many, many tears. More than once I have asked myself "why me?" and I have grappled with making sense of this. 

I have always struggled with the "Everything happens for a reason" mantra, but in the past I still used the phrase a lot to explain things that happened. Maybe it made me feel better. Maybe I just said it to say something when things weren't going my way. But the thing is, things did go my way 99% of the time. I was one of those lucky ones that things just seemed to work out for. I had a plan for my life and my life followed suit.

Then infertility rocked my world.

But because everything in my past pointed to it,  I still thought that everything would work out...it would just take a little time, right? It has not taken a little time. And as of yet, it has not all worked out the way I planned. 

A fellow blogger posted her thoughts on "Everything happens for a reason" and it rang so, so true. 

Everything happens. It just does.

And it sure does. It's happening, and I'm just along for the ride. 

Maybe there is no good reason that all of this is happening to two nice people. 

Maybe it's not meant to teach us some grand life lesson. 

Maybe it's just the way the cookie is going to crumble. 

But the thing is, it has taught me quite a bit. It's taught me many lessons that I would have been okay not ever learning, but here I am, learning the lessons anyway because I have no choice.

One year ago was what I consider one of my lowest points. 

The day after Thanksgiving last year I was filled with jealousy and rage and sadness, and not a trace of thankfulness survived past that turkey dinner.

This Thanksgiving I spent a lot of time thinking about the previous year's Thanksgiving and marveling that despite the unfortunate fact that nothing much has changed, my uterus is still quite empty, I am in a completely different place than I was just one year ago. I have grown, I have survived. And that makes me thankful.

I also did not get my period on Thanksgiving, and that made me thankful!

Incidentally, I started spotting the next day...oh well.

I don't know where this journey is leading me and I know there will be many more rough days, but while I am not thankful for the situation, I am thankful for the growth and the lessons learned. I will come out of this a stronger and more resilient person...if not slightly jaded :)