The beginning

I am having a hard time finding the time to write a substantial blog post. Partly because my Husband still does not know that this blog exists. I'm kind of torn on this matter. Part of me wants to include him in this part of me. We already have discussions about other bloggers' blogs and their journeys, but I am still feeling very private about the darkest of my days. I am in a much, much better place than I was one year ago, having surmounted many of the uglier stages of the grief process, but I'm still ashamed of how I felt and acted. 

My husband lived my grief journey (and had one of his own as well) so he knows that I was jealous. He knows that I was sad. But does he know the depth of that darkness? Does he know that I wished a miscarriage on my best friend? No. Am I ready for him to know? I don't think so. Will I ever be ready? Maybe not. 

Part of why I started blogging here was so that I could share my thoughts, grief, and my journey somewhat anonymously. I needed a forum to release the thoughts that were too hard to share with people in my "real" life. And maybe this blog will always remain just that. A place to share and grow with people who understand. Maybe when I do become a Mom, this blog will be sealed up forever, never to be shared with anyone in my day-to-day life. When my uterus is no longer empty. We'll see.

On a different note, I am on day 3 of Lupron injections. I have been anticipating this milestone for what feels like forever now, but I felt like it kind of snuck up on me! On Monday night I opened the boxes and felt utterly unprepared to press GO and start! 

My Husband has been giving the injections even though I am no stranger to giving them to myself, because I want him to be as involved as he can be. I have felt lately that he is so detached from the process. I practically have the calendar memorized and he still asks, "Wait, what week do you think I need to be available for the egg retrieval?"Ay ay ay. Having him give me the injections is a daily reminder that, yes, we are in this together. We may not be creating a baby using conventional methods, but it should still involve both of us :) I think as the medications increase and the appointments increase he will feel more a part of the process. 

The Lupron is such a tiny amount that I don't even feel the injection and only have mild itching at the injection site right afterwards. So far I have had no side effects that I am aware of, knock on wood! I never had any side effects from my IUI medications, so I'm hoping that I have an easy time with these too. I have hardly had any contact with my RE office so it's hard to believe that this is actually beginning. Next Wednesday is my baseline ultrasound and lab draw and then stims maybe to start next Friday. I'll keep you all posted! 

Have a great rest of the week!

They're Here! Obligatory Post.

I feel like I have to post a picture of my newly received meds...it's part of what we infertile bloggers do ;)

I received the very menacing box this morning, filled to the brim with the contents of the next month of my life. Wowzers...here we go! Lupron starts Monday!

Guess Who Just Ordered Meds?!

This girl! 

Yikes!

That's all.

Stick It To Me

I attended the IVF injection class last week and am feeling quite ready to start, but (thank God) we're waiting for insurance authorization, so will wait until next cycle. 

The Hubby and I attended an injection class previously for our IUI cycles, but since it was at a different clinic we had to repeat the class. I went in feeling like it would be a bit of a waste of time since I had already been giving injections to myself and because I am a Nurse, but I am so happy they made me go.

Whenever I am in a room full of other infertiles, people who have tried everything under the sun to make a baby, I remember that there is simply nothing I could have done differently to prevent this. 

I have always prided myself on being a pretty healthy person. I eat well, exercise regularly, and take good care of my body is general. I thought I had good genes. 

And then I couldn't make a baby.

And that made me feel like my body was not the glorious, healthy thing that I had always thought it to be. I dove in head first to alternative therapies; I pretty much stopped doing anything that would potentially screw up my body chemistry. But it didn't work. 

For some reason, sitting in a room of such diverse people, but also people who look just like me, makes me feel a little bit better. It has nothing to do with how healthy or unhealthy I am. For some reason, my body isn't making a baby the natural way. But neither are all of these people's bodies. They look healthy, vibrant, smart, and and frankly...like people with good baby-making skills. And they don't have a baby either. 

The Hubby couldn't attend the class, so I flew solo, but took impeccable notes so I can be sure that he shoots me up the right way! 

I learned a lot about the different meds I will be on, the side effects, and for how long I will be taking each. Most of the information was not new, but hearing it again really made it sink in. We are doing this...and it is not going to be easy. I have read so many bloggers' journeys, but never really thought about how big a deal this is. Yes I've injected myself with some meds, but never so many! And those progesterone shots? For up to twelve weeks?! Wowzers! 

I'm planning on taking some time off work for the cycle because I have so much sick time and feel like being work free for a week or two will do me good in more ways than one. I haven't quite figured out the timing of my time off. Any suggestions from those of you that have done this? When would be the best time to be off? Will it drive me crazy not working in the 2 week wait? 

Then the logistics of potentially giving myself progesterone shots in the butt...has anyone done this? There is a very good chance My Hubs will be out of the country on business for 2 of the weeks after the transfer and I'm not looking forward to it at all! Maybe I'll recruit a coworker to jab me in the ass. 

Overall, I'm both terrified and so excited that we will be moving forward very, very soon! If all goes well with insurance, hopefully in just under 4 weeks :)

Any other advice? Diet modifications? Circle and Bloom CDs? What worked for you? What didn't?