I am having a hard time finding the time to write a substantial blog post. Partly because my Husband still does not know that this blog exists. I'm kind of torn on this matter. Part of me wants to include him in this part of me. We already have discussions about other bloggers' blogs and their journeys, but I am still feeling very private about the darkest of my days. I am in a much, much better place than I was one year ago, having surmounted many of the uglier stages of the grief process, but I'm still ashamed of how I felt and acted.
My husband lived my grief journey (and had one of his own as well) so he knows that I was jealous. He knows that I was sad. But does he know the depth of that darkness? Does he know that I wished a miscarriage on my best friend? No. Am I ready for him to know? I don't think so. Will I ever be ready? Maybe not.
Part of why I started blogging here was so that I could share my thoughts, grief, and my journey somewhat anonymously. I needed a forum to release the thoughts that were too hard to share with people in my "real" life. And maybe this blog will always remain just that. A place to share and grow with people who understand. Maybe when I do become a Mom, this blog will be sealed up forever, never to be shared with anyone in my day-to-day life. When my uterus is no longer empty. We'll see.
On a different note, I am on day 3 of Lupron injections. I have been anticipating this milestone for what feels like forever now, but I felt like it kind of snuck up on me! On Monday night I opened the boxes and felt utterly unprepared to press GO and start!
My Husband has been giving the injections even though I am no stranger to giving them to myself, because I want him to be as involved as he can be. I have felt lately that he is so detached from the process. I practically have the calendar memorized and he still asks, "Wait, what week do you think I need to be available for the egg retrieval?"Ay ay ay. Having him give me the injections is a daily reminder that, yes, we are in this together. We may not be creating a baby using conventional methods, but it should still involve both of us :) I think as the medications increase and the appointments increase he will feel more a part of the process.
The Lupron is such a tiny amount that I don't even feel the injection and only have mild itching at the injection site right afterwards. So far I have had no side effects that I am aware of, knock on wood! I never had any side effects from my IUI medications, so I'm hoping that I have an easy time with these too. I have hardly had any contact with my RE office so it's hard to believe that this is actually beginning. Next Wednesday is my baseline ultrasound and lab draw and then stims maybe to start next Friday. I'll keep you all posted!
Have a great rest of the week!
My husband still doesn't know I have a blog about all this (and it's been over a year now!) and that's OK! It's a place for you to vent, and it's anonymous, so it's not hurting anyone. And my hubby was the same way (and still is!) about all the schedule stuff -- "What week/day/time do I need to do such-and-such?" Oh if I had a dollar...
ReplyDeleteI was trying to talk to my husband about our second IVF and when things would take place, and he asked if the transfer was the one where I get sedated or if that was something else. I tried to get him to participate in the injections... No dice. I pretty much just did everything myself for the second full.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your cycle!
I have found that before I was doing ivf, when I was just trying naturally or doing iui's, that I was the most stressed and had all this time to sit and stew and be depressed over my current situation. Once I started my first ivf cycle, things really changed for me. Stress - gone, my relationship with my husband vastly improved and time just flew by. My 2 weeks of lupron passed quick, the next thing I knew I was going for monitoring and starting stims and days away from retrieval. We're doing our first fet in about a week or so (our fresh transfer was cancelled). Everyone's different but for me, I really didn't have time for anything when doing my ivf. It wasn't a bad thing. I was able to fully focus on us and was just way too happy and positive for any negative feelings to come through. It may be that way for you, where you find yourself unable to post cause you're so busy with your life you don't have time. I get it. If it happens, don't feel guilty.
ReplyDeleteAs for dh, he attempted to help me with the injections, but I felt the lupron and stims were better left to me. He does come to every monitoring visit he is able to tho plus er and et and the trigger and progesterone shots are left entirely to him. I feel a lot of this process is left to us ladies, so he tries to meet me halfway. Anyway, I wanted to wish you luck with this process. I was the girl who found you when I was researching Amigos. I just missed getting in so I did 2 iui's and was fortunate to find another study on ivf. ; ) Ivf has a bad rep, even among close friends who have gone through it, the feedback is negative. I found the whole experience to be positive, stress free and interesting. I actually enjoyed the process. I know its different for everybody, but I hope by saying this that you'll know its not so bad. So good luck with everything! Don't be afraid of the huge progesterone needles, cause they actually don't hurt. And if you decide to stop blogging, just be sure to post your bfp!
My husband doesn't know that I have a blog and I've been blogging since the summer of 2008!!
ReplyDeleteI'm right behind you in my first IVF cycle. My progesterone was a little too high yesterday so I have two weeks of birth control prior to the daily Lupron injections. I'm ready to get this show on the road!!