We have embryos!

AAAAAH!!!!!

I just got a call from Dr. Tran and we officially have made embryos! 

Of the 21 eggs retrieved, 18 eggs were mature.

Of the 18 mature eggs....

18 fertilized!!!

This is the closest we have ever been to making a baby and I feel a lot better knowing that my eggs can be fertilized with Hubby's sperm (by ICSI).

Now we wait.

Day 3, Saturday, is when we will reevaluate the plan based on how well they are growing. 

Not one hour after I wrote my last post about how well I was feeling, I started having some pain. It was very, very manageable, but it was definitely uncomfortable. Mostly when I sat down or stood up or any time I made drastic changes in position.
I took a couple extra strength Tylenol and the Hubs and I trekked to Target to stock up on Gatorade and picked up a yummy burger and fries (I'm supposed to have sodium and protein to ward off the OHSS, right?) :)

Last night I was completely comfortable while sleeping, but woke up several times to pee due to all those fluids I consumed. This morning I am feeling mostly great. I'm a little sore, but haven't had to take anything yet and I have been able to go about my day as normal. I'm going to lay low and try to relax for the most part but I do plan to take the pooch out for a stroll around the neighborhood. I feel like for me, moving makes me feel better and I'm hoping it will get all those fluids moving and out of my body.

How long until you felt 100% yourself after the retrieval?

Done and Done!

Retrieval day!!!

This was a loooong time coming, but when I woke up today I had no nerves, not really and crazy excitement. I just was. I don't know, this whole thing is quite surreal to me. Part of the "problem" is that I don't really feel different. Stims were very uneventful for me. I felt my ovaries for sure, but they weren't necessarily uncomfortable, I was just more aware of them. (Probably partly because the thought of ovarian torsion freaks me out and I didn't want to do anything that would potentially flip those babies around on themselves.) Yesterday I almost wondered if I could have ovulated some of my eggs early or something because the heavy, full ovary feeling was basically gone. 

Anyway...I'll move on. I'm lucky and did not have discomfort.

Today my retrieval was scheduled for 9:30 am with a 9:00am check in for preparation. 

I arrived and was led to a changing room where I donned a gown and paper hat and booties (over my knee high cozy socks). I was then led to a pre-warmed chair and covered in warm blankets. When I win the lottery I will have a blanket warmer in my bedroom. The Nurses went through the pre-op checklist of "have you ever had -...-?" questions and started my IV. By the way, the IV was a monster. I didn't catch the gauge, but I'm pretty sure it was a hose. She popped it in on the first try, but my hand still hurts from that thing. I then was started on IV fluids and got an IV antibiotic. 

The anesthesiologist came over, ran through a series of basically the same "have you ever had -...-?" questions and then gave me my drug cocktail. By the time I walked back to the retrieval room I was definitely feeling the effects of it!

I put my legs (yes, pretty much the whole leg goes in) into the massive stirrups and the rest is anesthesia history! The next thing I knew, I was waking up for quite a delightful nap in the recovery area. Mr Hubby was brought back and we chatted for a while as I woke up and then The REs came back to check in and tell us that we got 21 eggs. 

I was a little surprised that it wasn't more based upon how they kept going on about how I was such an egg machine, but I am 100% happy with the 21! After some cranberry juice and some graham crackers, we were on our way! A quick stop at Whole Foods for a snack and some Gatorade, and now back at home. 

I am feeling really good right now, pretty rested from my power nap :) and not having pain. I'm spotting a little bit and am trying to lay low for the day despite feeling like I could do something productive. Later today I will start my methilpredisolone and progesterone just in case the transfer does happen on day 3, but otherwise I will just be anxiously awaiting the fertilization report tomorrow afternoon and watching crappy daytime TV. 

Now, for all of you that have traveled this journey before me, any awesome tips for warding off OHSS or for general recovery? It's hard for me to imagine that I could blow up like a big balloon now since I haven't had any bloating so far, but I've heard it's worse after retrieval. Always something to look forward to ;)

FET vs. Fresh Transfer

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and realistic comments. I needed all of your reassurance and years of experience with these things to make me feel better about the pickle of a situation we're in. 

As I was browsing blogs last night for ICLW, I found an article that spoke of the Fresh vs Frozen transfer research. I don't know which blog I found it on (sorry!), but I was able to track the article down again. It's an interesting read that discusses how some clinics have studied using FET instead of fresh transfers to increase the safety of IVF and in some cases increase the pregnancy rates. It was a very timely find for me and really put my mind at ease. Give it a read.

I didn't explain my RE's the reasoning very well last night I don't think because I got a lot of questions about why he would transfer on day 3 but not day 5.

His thought it:

*The safest for me and probably the best pregnancy outcomes will come from delaying transfer until next cycle.

*We have elected to attempt to grow our embaby(ies) to 5 days so we can transfer the least amount of embryos. (Our clinic is big on single transfer for women less than 35 if possible to decrease multiples.)

*If at day 3 the embryo quality does not look ideal, growing to 5 days might not be a good option because we would likely lose embryos in the growing process, so we would use the 3 day embryos instead.

*If the quality of the embryos at day 3 is not good, there is a risk that they would not survive the freeze/thaw process, leaving us with few or no embryos to FET next cycle.

*If that was the case, he/we would weigh the risks and benefits of transferring at day 3 and risking OHSS vs the risk of not ending up with any embryos.

As much as I would love to get some babies growing in the ute, I hope that we don't have to discuss that 3 day transfer option! 

I am officially "triggered" and am sending good thoughts and vibes to my big ass ovaries to produce some good quality eggs! By the way, speaking of eggs...did I mention that the RE who did my scan yesterday compared me to a chicken with all my eggs!? Ha! Never thought I'd be compared to a chicken!
Thanks for all of your well wishes!

The Best Laid Plans

I saw Dr. Tran's phone number on my caller ID this afternoon and knew that we were not going to go with the tentative plan I had discussed with the Nurse at my monitoring appointment this morning. 

My estradiol level is 4830 and I have more than 30 follicles, both of which put me in the high risk for OHSS category. I knew this, but I didn't know what that meant for us.

Thank goodness, the trigger and retrieval are still in the plan. I think I would have lost my zen completely if it had been cancelled, and no amount of Circle and Bloom could have brought it back! 

The new plan:

Trigger tonight at 9:30pm with a reduced dose of HCG.

Retrieval on Wednesday at 9:30am.

Evaluate at 3 days based on embryo quality if we are going to grow to 5 day blastocysts or transfer 2 day 3 embryos at that point. 

If good quality at day 3, wait until day 5 and freeze all embryos.

Wait (more waiting?!?), get my period, go through one full cycle, then FET the cycle after that.

I know that this is the right thing to do. I know that it is the most safe thing and the option that gives us the best chance of conceiving, but damn it! I am so disappointed! I thought that in 7 days I would have an embryo or two in my chronically empty uterus! I thought that in two weeks I might get my first positive pregnancy test. And now we will wait again.

This is also throwing a big kink in my IVF vacation! Woe is me :) 

Now I'm not sure if I should indulge myself with the full two weeks if next week I will not be doing anything at all. Although, the RE did say that even without transferring, I will probably end up with some form of OHSS. So maybe I'll take the week and let my bloated self recoup. Ugh. 

If nothing else, infertility has taught me that despite how hard I try to be in control, I can not plan everything. I thought I had earned this already, but the schedule seemed so lovely and laid out to perfection...I thought I could safely count on it. 

I'm trying to not wallow in my disappointment and to consider myself lucky that we have gotten this far and that the cycle was not cancelled. We still have lots to look forward to, but right now I'm so bummed. :(

Kind of Freaking Out

Appointment today went well, still lots of follicles, getting closer, but one more day until trigger probably. I left feeling great, calm.

Then I got the call from the nurse. 

Estradiol is 4238. 

No mention of anything weird from her, just instructions to stop my Gonal-F but continue with Lupron and Menopur at the same doses. 

Then came google. 

And it seems that the estradiol level is high. 

No call from Dr. Tran.

And now I'm freaking out, thoughts of cancelled cycles and OHSS swimming through my head. 

Google be damned! 

Anyone out there with good stories of kind of high estradiol levels prior to trigger? I've been obsessively scrolling through blog posts trying to see if anyone mentioned what their levels were with no luck. My appointment tomorrow cannot come soon enough.

Cycle Updates

First, thanks to all of you for stopping by from ICLW! I have found some fun new blogs to follow and have enjoyed reading your comments :)

I am officially done with work for now and am ready for some serious relaxation and hopefully some serious baby-making. I spoke of my IVF vacation, which happens to be just that I have tons of sick time stored up and my boss was kid enough to let me use 2 weeks of it so I could take time off this cycle. I feel pretty lucky!

I had my monitoring appointment this morning and all is progressing well in follicle land. The covering RE introduced himself to me and said, "Dr. Tran and I were talking about you yesterday. He said, 'You will be meeting Emily tomorrow. She has LOTS of follicles.'"

Awesome. I think I might start introducing myself to people that way.

I, in fact, did not know that I had lots of follicles, but apparently I do. I am generally a very inquisitive person, always asking lots of questions and then going home to research all the information. I am putting those instincts on hold. So I have not inquired as to exactly how many follicle I have and if that is what they are hoping for, and I have not obsessively calculated how many embryos I thing we'll get out of this thing. 

Because it hasn't mattered in the past. It will not help me get pregnant. And I have to trust that things are on track, otherwise the RE would tell me, right? I'm trying my very best to be calm and just go with the flow because it is all out of my control. For the first time in our fertility journey, there is nothing I can do to make this work or not work. (Aside from my massive supply of supplements, no caffeine/alcohol regime, and a few other voodoo-ish tricks up my sleeve.) :)

My Estradiol was 2360 today and the counted follicles were somewhere in the range of 30. I am going back in tomorrow for another monitoring appointment and trigger is estimated to be Monday night with a retrieval on Wednesday! 

For now, the plan is:

ICSI

If more than 8 embryos, we will go for a 5 day transfer of 1-2 embryos. 

I am still feeling mostly very good. I would say my most noticeable side effects are the very full feeling ovaries and my constant urge to pee. Like every 5 minutes. Which seems like a side effect of the giant ovaries. The Husband is now extremely nervous in anticipation of my pregnancy pee habits.

My Ovaries Are Present and Accounted For

First off, welcome if you're here from ICLW! I haven't participated in a while, but it's fun to be back!

My ovaries are there, and I'm starting to really feel them.

I can't say that it's uncomfortable yet, but it's getting there. I remember from my IUIs that prior to ovulation I always felt kind of like...this. But I still have a while to go before retrieval, so I'm not sure how I'm going to feel that day! Like a balloon ready to pop, maybe!

If you're new here, check out my My Infertility Timeline and My IVF Timeline . But here's the short version: 

The Hubby and I have been married since 2009 and TTC since 2010. We tried 4 injectable IUI cycles last year and are now on day 7 of stims in our first IVF cycle.

Tomorrow is my last day of work before my IVF "vacation" and I am so excited to be able to kick back and enjoy some much needed downtime as I watch my stomach bloat :)

Cleared for Takeoff

Ultrasound. Check. 

Estradiol Level. Check.

Starting Gonal-F and Menopur on Friday. Check!

The ultrasound was done by the Nurse Practitioner at the RE office, so I didn't actually meet with my Dr. today which I thought was a little weird, but she was very nice and knew everything about my history, so I felt alright about it. She was good about explaining everything and showing me what exactly she was looking at. I have the anal, need-to-know-everything-because-I'm-a-Nurse syndrome, but I don't know what I'm looking at on the ultrasound at all, so I appreciated her going into so much detail.

There was no visible trace of my uterine septum. Phew. And all looked good in ovary and uterus land, so I was cleared to start on Friday. 

I met with the Cycle Nurse to go over the schedule (basically unchanged) and got all of my questions answered. My main question was about exercise...no more pilates or bike rides for now to minimize the risk of excess pressure or ovarian torsion. I don't want either of those, so I'm on board. I am going to miss my pilates though :( Lots of walking the puppy in my future!

Welcome back, dildo cam. I don't know why you're sideways.  

Circling and Blooming and zzzzz

In preparation for IVF I purchased the  Circle and Bloom CDs. 

I have to preface this by saying that I do not meditate. I do not do yoga. I am not that "zen". 

It's not that I am not capable of sitting still or that I'm not hippie enough for it all, because I have plenty of hippie bones in my body and I love me some relaxation time. 

I just normally get bored. My mind wanders; I have things to think about that push all those calm, zen thoughts to the back burner.

This Circle and Bloom thing is no joke. I am a convert. I am a mediation-loving fool. 

I am actually excited to get in bed every night and turn on the CD because it is SO relaxing. 

So relaxing that most nights I am asleep before the end of the 15 minutes is up...but I think that in itself is good for making my body baby ready, right? :)

I have been listening to the pre-cycle sessions so far and will start CD 1 tonight. Both The Hubby and I are thoroughly enjoying them as an end to our evenings. I highly recommend!

Saturday was my last pill, today my *hopefully* last period started, tomorrow is my baseline ultrasound, and 8 more days of work before I start my "IVF vacation" as I have started referring to it. So excited!

Any cycle buddies out there?

The beginning

I am having a hard time finding the time to write a substantial blog post. Partly because my Husband still does not know that this blog exists. I'm kind of torn on this matter. Part of me wants to include him in this part of me. We already have discussions about other bloggers' blogs and their journeys, but I am still feeling very private about the darkest of my days. I am in a much, much better place than I was one year ago, having surmounted many of the uglier stages of the grief process, but I'm still ashamed of how I felt and acted. 

My husband lived my grief journey (and had one of his own as well) so he knows that I was jealous. He knows that I was sad. But does he know the depth of that darkness? Does he know that I wished a miscarriage on my best friend? No. Am I ready for him to know? I don't think so. Will I ever be ready? Maybe not. 

Part of why I started blogging here was so that I could share my thoughts, grief, and my journey somewhat anonymously. I needed a forum to release the thoughts that were too hard to share with people in my "real" life. And maybe this blog will always remain just that. A place to share and grow with people who understand. Maybe when I do become a Mom, this blog will be sealed up forever, never to be shared with anyone in my day-to-day life. When my uterus is no longer empty. We'll see.

On a different note, I am on day 3 of Lupron injections. I have been anticipating this milestone for what feels like forever now, but I felt like it kind of snuck up on me! On Monday night I opened the boxes and felt utterly unprepared to press GO and start! 

My Husband has been giving the injections even though I am no stranger to giving them to myself, because I want him to be as involved as he can be. I have felt lately that he is so detached from the process. I practically have the calendar memorized and he still asks, "Wait, what week do you think I need to be available for the egg retrieval?"Ay ay ay. Having him give me the injections is a daily reminder that, yes, we are in this together. We may not be creating a baby using conventional methods, but it should still involve both of us :) I think as the medications increase and the appointments increase he will feel more a part of the process. 

The Lupron is such a tiny amount that I don't even feel the injection and only have mild itching at the injection site right afterwards. So far I have had no side effects that I am aware of, knock on wood! I never had any side effects from my IUI medications, so I'm hoping that I have an easy time with these too. I have hardly had any contact with my RE office so it's hard to believe that this is actually beginning. Next Wednesday is my baseline ultrasound and lab draw and then stims maybe to start next Friday. I'll keep you all posted! 

Have a great rest of the week!

They're Here! Obligatory Post.

I feel like I have to post a picture of my newly received meds...it's part of what we infertile bloggers do ;)

I received the very menacing box this morning, filled to the brim with the contents of the next month of my life. Wowzers...here we go! Lupron starts Monday!