The Moments I Realize I Am Not Okay

This has been a long journey.

There is no infertility story that does not involve a long journey.

But man does it feel long.

There have been times of extreme stress and worry, times of resolution, times of jealousy and introversion, and times of just being. 

The "being" is where I have been for some time now.

I have all of those feelings of stress and worry and jealousy and fatigue...but for the most part they do not dominate my life as they once did. I am living (as best I can within the constraints of my cycles). I am okay.

Today I had one of the moments. One where I realized that even though this journey is not conquering me each and every moment of my day, I am not in fact okay.

I have been attending yoga classes as much as I can in the recent months and cannot believe how much it has helped me mentally and physically. I have not been a yoga lover in the past, but I think it is filling some void in me right now and is just what the doctor ordered!

Today was my last class for a bit since FET is tomorrow (!!!) so after class I checked in with the teacher to see if she had any poses that are easy on the body and good for uterine blood flow or fertility. She's pregnant, she should know, right?

She offered me lots of suggestions and gave me some foods that are supposed to increase fertility. As I was laying on the ground next to her, hips in the air, receiving her well-wishes...I started crying. For no apparent reason except for that I am not 100% okay. I am excited, but more than that I am so freaking nervous that this might not work that I can hardly stand it. Because then what? This is not a question I have had to ask myself yet. There has always been a logical next step, but this is kind of the end of the road. Granted we have a good store of maybe babies in the deep freeze, but it's just a lot, that's all.

So here I am. Feeling so many mixed emotions. I just had my "last supper" of a delicious margarita and too much sushi; hopefully I had enough of both to satisfy me for the next nine months.
Tomorrow is it. One little embryo goes into the uterus.

If any of you have some extra good thoughts, prayers, good karma, etc. please send them my way.
FET in T-16 hours.