This Bubble Has Burst

I have been quiet on the blogging front mostly because I have almost nothing to say fertility-related after my cancelled FET. We are literally just waiting.

All of this waiting has given me time to think, which I'm not sure is a good thing. 

My IVF retrieval and most of what followed was very benign. Eggs retrieved, eggs fertilized, eggs grew, eggs frozen. Besides the OHSS leading to no fresh transfer, I was feeling pretty stoked about how everything went down. It seemed my body was pretty darn cooperative for once in its reproductive life. Then the natural FET cycle happened and my optimism faded. 

For one, I was reminded that hopes can be shattered in an instant. I was also reminded that even after all of this, even after 13 eggs, there are no guarantees that this is going to bring us a baby. 

The natural cycle gave me one thing (besides a lot of extra "wasted time"). It gave use new information that potentially explains why we have not been successful making babies the normal way. While I feel like this information is great to have for the future, I am just so pissed off that there is another little bit of something that is not quite right. And I'm scared that once an embryo is transferred, we might find out that something else is wrong. I just want something to go right. And I want a baby.

My BFF has a baby that she calls my Goddaughter despite how horribly distant I became in her pregnancy. I cannot say that I am completely over that, but I am so happy that she is a bigger person that I and has persevered and made us an integral part of her daughter's life.

I have a long blog post about how hard it was for me when she announced that she was pregnant. We had discussed just a month or so before that she was officially "trying" and I had shared that we were also trying, but with no luck for 9 months. Obviously, she did not have trouble and was pregnant in about two cycles. Cue jealous Empty Uterus. 

This baby of hers is now having her first birthday party in two weeks and is walking. Wowzers. I still can't help but be a little bit envious, and it always tugs at my heart strings when we are around her and I see how much The Hubby adores her and has become such a natural Daddy. 

So many of you posted on Mother's Day and I thought about posting many times but was traveling and busy so never got around to it.  Mother's Day has really always been about my own Mom. I don't think the last few years I even really thought about it in relation to my infertility...not sure why. This year was for some reason very different for me. We celebrated with my Mom,  The Hubby's Step Mom, and my Sister-In-Law. It hit me harder than I thought it would seeing everyone with their flowers and wishing each other a happy day. I held it together, but I was pretty emotional. 

 A work colleague who struggled with infertility posted this: "...until three year's ago, Mother's day was special day to honor my mother and the other wonderful ladies around me, but it was also such a sad day for myself. To all the ladies out there praying to be a mom, I hope these pictures give you some inspiration to have a family. If I can be a mom, you can too. I will keep all of you in my prayers that one day your wishes, desires and dreams do come true. xoxo!!" Flood gates open for the first time.

I knew my Mom was having a rough time for me, because she's like that- always thinking of others first. I think she wasn't sure if she should say something or not, but finally did in a very subtle way. Something along the lines of "Next year we'll be celebrating you because it is going to happen for you". Ugh. Flood gates again. For some reason it did make me feel better for someone to acknowledge that this was a hard day because we should have been celebrating my motherhood too. Moms are the best. 

Anyhoo...

I am one week in on birth control pills and will start Lupron a week from Monday and Vivelle patches a little over a week after that to prep for what will hopefully be a smooth FET in late June. I am going into this one a little less green and a little more jaded, but am hopeful that I can reign myself in and get myself in a nice, positive state before then.

I probably won't be posting a lot until the action starts :) but I have and will be reading along with all of you!