I have been MIA lately in an attempt to harness all of my positive energy into making a baby this cycle. I have still been reading all of your posts, but have been both too busy to blog myself and also at a loss for what to say. I've been talking lots of good thoughts to myself like a crazy woman, but feel like I don't have much to say otherwise. Probably because my mind is so preoccupied with all those IF thoughts and also struggling to keep the negative ones at bay. It's a lot of work!
Today is CD 10 and I had my routine blood work and ultrasound to check up on all those follies growing!
And then there was one.
Yes, for the second month in a row my body has decided that it is best to ovulate one egg, despite my best efforts to make it triple that. Talk about being at a loss for words. Instead I cried.
I cried because I feel like my body is betraying me and I can't help but be pissed off.
I cried because I wish that I would have at least had too many follicle so they could cancel the cycle and I could try again next month. Instead we'll go through the motions of one last IUI that has no better chance of working than if we were to just have sex. At least sex is fun!
And mostly I cried because I feel like all the positive thoughts in the world will not change the fact that we can't get pregnant naturally and now we are having trouble getting pregnant unnaturally too.
I'm still saying my "stay positive" mantra, but I think today I'm going to wallow in my self-pity and sadness just a little bit, mostly because I don't think I have a choice. The tears gates are open wide and there's no shutting them now.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know there is very little I can say to cheer you up. But I am here and I am listening. You go ahead and wallow all you want. You totally deserve it.
ReplyDeleteNot sure if this will mean anything to you, but I found some comfort in the quote: "Everything will be OK in the end. If it's not OK, it's not the end" (from Melissa Ford's "Navigating the Land of IF"). Those "it'll all be OK" comments annoy me, but for some reason this gave me hope. Just because you've hit one obstacle doesn't mean there isn't another one out there to take if you want. Don't give up hope.
ReplyDeleteYes, that is one of my faves! And I didn't know it was from that book. I found it probably close to six months ago and it really spoke to me.
DeleteIt's fiotally okay to wallow, sometimes that is just what we need to snap us out of our funk. Hope you are able to remain hopeful throughout the rest of your cycle...xoxo
ReplyDeleteThanks Everyone for the encouraging words. I'm feeling a lot more hopeful today and back on track with my positive outlook...okay, maybe it got knocked down a notch, but it's making a comeback.
ReplyDeleteHi I hope you're still hanging in there.
ReplyDeleteI hope you're feeling a little better today. It sucks that there's only one, but! (you know the drill). Good luck with your IUI.
ReplyDeleteFeeling like your body is failing you sucks so hard. I'm sorry. I hope you can stay positive. There is always a chance. Keeping everything crossed for you. Hugz!
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