Kind of Freaking Out

Appointment today went well, still lots of follicles, getting closer, but one more day until trigger probably. I left feeling great, calm.

Then I got the call from the nurse. 

Estradiol is 4238. 

No mention of anything weird from her, just instructions to stop my Gonal-F but continue with Lupron and Menopur at the same doses. 

Then came google. 

And it seems that the estradiol level is high. 

No call from Dr. Tran.

And now I'm freaking out, thoughts of cancelled cycles and OHSS swimming through my head. 

Google be damned! 

Anyone out there with good stories of kind of high estradiol levels prior to trigger? I've been obsessively scrolling through blog posts trying to see if anyone mentioned what their levels were with no luck. My appointment tomorrow cannot come soon enough.

Cycle Updates

First, thanks to all of you for stopping by from ICLW! I have found some fun new blogs to follow and have enjoyed reading your comments :)

I am officially done with work for now and am ready for some serious relaxation and hopefully some serious baby-making. I spoke of my IVF vacation, which happens to be just that I have tons of sick time stored up and my boss was kid enough to let me use 2 weeks of it so I could take time off this cycle. I feel pretty lucky!

I had my monitoring appointment this morning and all is progressing well in follicle land. The covering RE introduced himself to me and said, "Dr. Tran and I were talking about you yesterday. He said, 'You will be meeting Emily tomorrow. She has LOTS of follicles.'"

Awesome. I think I might start introducing myself to people that way.

I, in fact, did not know that I had lots of follicles, but apparently I do. I am generally a very inquisitive person, always asking lots of questions and then going home to research all the information. I am putting those instincts on hold. So I have not inquired as to exactly how many follicle I have and if that is what they are hoping for, and I have not obsessively calculated how many embryos I thing we'll get out of this thing. 

Because it hasn't mattered in the past. It will not help me get pregnant. And I have to trust that things are on track, otherwise the RE would tell me, right? I'm trying my very best to be calm and just go with the flow because it is all out of my control. For the first time in our fertility journey, there is nothing I can do to make this work or not work. (Aside from my massive supply of supplements, no caffeine/alcohol regime, and a few other voodoo-ish tricks up my sleeve.) :)

My Estradiol was 2360 today and the counted follicles were somewhere in the range of 30. I am going back in tomorrow for another monitoring appointment and trigger is estimated to be Monday night with a retrieval on Wednesday! 

For now, the plan is:

ICSI

If more than 8 embryos, we will go for a 5 day transfer of 1-2 embryos. 

I am still feeling mostly very good. I would say my most noticeable side effects are the very full feeling ovaries and my constant urge to pee. Like every 5 minutes. Which seems like a side effect of the giant ovaries. The Husband is now extremely nervous in anticipation of my pregnancy pee habits.

My Ovaries Are Present and Accounted For

First off, welcome if you're here from ICLW! I haven't participated in a while, but it's fun to be back!

My ovaries are there, and I'm starting to really feel them.

I can't say that it's uncomfortable yet, but it's getting there. I remember from my IUIs that prior to ovulation I always felt kind of like...this. But I still have a while to go before retrieval, so I'm not sure how I'm going to feel that day! Like a balloon ready to pop, maybe!

If you're new here, check out my My Infertility Timeline and My IVF Timeline . But here's the short version: 

The Hubby and I have been married since 2009 and TTC since 2010. We tried 4 injectable IUI cycles last year and are now on day 7 of stims in our first IVF cycle.

Tomorrow is my last day of work before my IVF "vacation" and I am so excited to be able to kick back and enjoy some much needed downtime as I watch my stomach bloat :)

Cleared for Takeoff

Ultrasound. Check. 

Estradiol Level. Check.

Starting Gonal-F and Menopur on Friday. Check!

The ultrasound was done by the Nurse Practitioner at the RE office, so I didn't actually meet with my Dr. today which I thought was a little weird, but she was very nice and knew everything about my history, so I felt alright about it. She was good about explaining everything and showing me what exactly she was looking at. I have the anal, need-to-know-everything-because-I'm-a-Nurse syndrome, but I don't know what I'm looking at on the ultrasound at all, so I appreciated her going into so much detail.

There was no visible trace of my uterine septum. Phew. And all looked good in ovary and uterus land, so I was cleared to start on Friday. 

I met with the Cycle Nurse to go over the schedule (basically unchanged) and got all of my questions answered. My main question was about exercise...no more pilates or bike rides for now to minimize the risk of excess pressure or ovarian torsion. I don't want either of those, so I'm on board. I am going to miss my pilates though :( Lots of walking the puppy in my future!

Welcome back, dildo cam. I don't know why you're sideways.  

Circling and Blooming and zzzzz

In preparation for IVF I purchased the  Circle and Bloom CDs. 

I have to preface this by saying that I do not meditate. I do not do yoga. I am not that "zen". 

It's not that I am not capable of sitting still or that I'm not hippie enough for it all, because I have plenty of hippie bones in my body and I love me some relaxation time. 

I just normally get bored. My mind wanders; I have things to think about that push all those calm, zen thoughts to the back burner.

This Circle and Bloom thing is no joke. I am a convert. I am a mediation-loving fool. 

I am actually excited to get in bed every night and turn on the CD because it is SO relaxing. 

So relaxing that most nights I am asleep before the end of the 15 minutes is up...but I think that in itself is good for making my body baby ready, right? :)

I have been listening to the pre-cycle sessions so far and will start CD 1 tonight. Both The Hubby and I are thoroughly enjoying them as an end to our evenings. I highly recommend!

Saturday was my last pill, today my *hopefully* last period started, tomorrow is my baseline ultrasound, and 8 more days of work before I start my "IVF vacation" as I have started referring to it. So excited!

Any cycle buddies out there?

The beginning

I am having a hard time finding the time to write a substantial blog post. Partly because my Husband still does not know that this blog exists. I'm kind of torn on this matter. Part of me wants to include him in this part of me. We already have discussions about other bloggers' blogs and their journeys, but I am still feeling very private about the darkest of my days. I am in a much, much better place than I was one year ago, having surmounted many of the uglier stages of the grief process, but I'm still ashamed of how I felt and acted. 

My husband lived my grief journey (and had one of his own as well) so he knows that I was jealous. He knows that I was sad. But does he know the depth of that darkness? Does he know that I wished a miscarriage on my best friend? No. Am I ready for him to know? I don't think so. Will I ever be ready? Maybe not. 

Part of why I started blogging here was so that I could share my thoughts, grief, and my journey somewhat anonymously. I needed a forum to release the thoughts that were too hard to share with people in my "real" life. And maybe this blog will always remain just that. A place to share and grow with people who understand. Maybe when I do become a Mom, this blog will be sealed up forever, never to be shared with anyone in my day-to-day life. When my uterus is no longer empty. We'll see.

On a different note, I am on day 3 of Lupron injections. I have been anticipating this milestone for what feels like forever now, but I felt like it kind of snuck up on me! On Monday night I opened the boxes and felt utterly unprepared to press GO and start! 

My Husband has been giving the injections even though I am no stranger to giving them to myself, because I want him to be as involved as he can be. I have felt lately that he is so detached from the process. I practically have the calendar memorized and he still asks, "Wait, what week do you think I need to be available for the egg retrieval?"Ay ay ay. Having him give me the injections is a daily reminder that, yes, we are in this together. We may not be creating a baby using conventional methods, but it should still involve both of us :) I think as the medications increase and the appointments increase he will feel more a part of the process. 

The Lupron is such a tiny amount that I don't even feel the injection and only have mild itching at the injection site right afterwards. So far I have had no side effects that I am aware of, knock on wood! I never had any side effects from my IUI medications, so I'm hoping that I have an easy time with these too. I have hardly had any contact with my RE office so it's hard to believe that this is actually beginning. Next Wednesday is my baseline ultrasound and lab draw and then stims maybe to start next Friday. I'll keep you all posted! 

Have a great rest of the week!

They're Here! Obligatory Post.

I feel like I have to post a picture of my newly received meds...it's part of what we infertile bloggers do ;)

I received the very menacing box this morning, filled to the brim with the contents of the next month of my life. Wowzers...here we go! Lupron starts Monday!