Aaaaannnnd, it's baaaacccckkkkk!

I was wondering how long this feeling would last. Wondering when I would return to the beginning and have the feelings. You know, those feelings. 

I've been in a perpetual state of bliss for going on two years now. Pregnancy and Piper's babyhood has really felt like heaven on earth and for a while I have felt like a normal human being. One that procreates, gets pregnant, has a baby, and gets to be happy for others. I have been genuinely thrilled to hear that one of my friends is pregnant and I haven't care that it was easy for them. I stopped looking at pregnant passerbys with envy, but instead looked at the belly with a sense of camaraderie. I greeted other newborns and Mamas with joy and sisterhood. Because I was there too, even if I didn't get there in traditional methods.

The creepy creeper called jealousy and that feeling of injustice is back. It's not yet making my life miserable, but it's here nonetheless.

At Thanksgiving two of my married friends with no kids and I were chatting about baby-making. One of them was very forthcoming and said that she and her husband were "trying", but it wasn't working. The other said that they would begin soon, but not quite yet. But she was VERY versed in baby-making lingo and alluded to talking with her OBGYN about conceiving, so I suspected otherwise.

This conversation was my first little preview of what was to come. I remember thinking, "These bitches will be pregnant by New Years. Damn it." Two of my very best friends. I logically do NOT want either of them to have infertility, I really, really don't. I want them to have babies the normal way. But I'm still jealous that I don't get to.

Yes, they're both pregnant now, and I'm actually quite happy about it! I have been able to be genuinely excited, and buy them gifts, and be involved with planning baby showers, and overall be very involved in a way that I never could have been pre-Piper. But I know that is fleeting. I catch myself with pangs of envy at a belly shot and feelings of annoyance when they talk about they're pregnancies incessantly. I LOVED being pregnant, and 6 months ago I would have happily chatted all day about the amazing process. So...why the change? 

I'm thinking a lot about what happens next for us. In an ideal world, I would love 2-3 kids. I would have planned for my children to be 2.5ish years apart. Piper is 13 months now, so I feel like we need to start thinking about next steps soon. Our original plan was no birth control when she was 6 months old. That didn't happen. I was extremely torn, but we decided we were not ready for a miracle spontaneous pregnancy when she was 6 months old. I sometimes wonder if we were stupid to not go for it right away, but my body and mind just didn't feel ready. 

I got my period when she was 11 months old and immediately started tracking my cycle, which has been pretty regular since, and we stopped using condoms. We are not officially trying, but I do consult my calendar often. Truth be told, between business travel for The Hubs and exhaustion, even if we were UBER fertile, I probably wouldn't be pregnant right now! Must fit in more sex...

So, sorry for the ramble. That's where I am. Slightly envious, maybe wanting to be pregnant again soon, not quite trying, not sure where to start. 

We're going to make an appointment with our RE for next month and come up with a plan, but I think we're going to tentatively plan for an FET this Summer and start actively trying to get pregnant next month. I'm scared to move forward because I know what this journey entails.  I am keenly aware that as soon as we start really trying, I will be obsessed. I am not looking forward to living in 2 weeks stints again. I know that once I go to the RE, I will be focused on that FET month and my lab results. I am so scared that things will not work out this time like they did last time. What if we don't get pregnant on the first FET? What if I do get pregnant but it's a chemical pregnancy or I miscarry? There are so many unknowns and so many hurdles. But this time I have a baby who I need to be present for, who I want to be present for.

Oh geez, too much future-thinking for one day. I'm stressing myself out!