Bored and Impatient

I have approximately six weeks between my egg retrieval and the start of Mission Frozen Embryo Transfer. At first, I must say, I was feeling quite...great. It's amazing how marked the difference is between my body when I'm on meds and my body when I am not. I didn't realize how off I felt for the last few months as my body was pumped with drugs until I got my period and felt so myself again. 

But now I am extremely bored and even more impatient. Boring is usually kind of good in the world of fertility treatments, but not doing anything just feels weird and not productive after so much time of doing things to try to get knocked up. 

And seriously. Six weeks feels incredibly long when you're waiting around for a period to start so you can finally use the embryos that are just waiting to come to life in your uterus. It's like a two week wait on steroids. 

I have also been feeling kind of crampy the last few days, almost like I am about to get my period. And crabby, crabby, crabby. I'm assuming that my hormones are all out of whack and my body is trying to figure out what to do next, but the thought of being in this cranky state for the next week or so until my period starts doesn't sound so fun. I'm not sure if The Hubby will survive. 

The good news is that in somewhere around a week, the waiting game will end and the ultrasounds and body preparation will begin! I can't wait!!!

Natural It Is

FET cycle that is. Because clearly nothing else about our baby-making has been natural.

I had a consult with my RE today to discuss which way to go: Natural or medicated Frozen Embryo Transfer. I was *kind of* leaning towards medicated before our talk for fear of a cancelled cycle due to me not ovulating, but Dr. Tran brought up some good points for us to consider. 

No medications for 6 weeks. I didn't have any weird side effects from the Lupron, but the thought of being medication free for almost 6 weeks is kind of nice. Especially since immediately after, I will be getting jabbed with a big, fat progesterone shot in the booty for many weeks. 

Second point well made by the Doc: we have waited a long time for this. My first reaction was "Yes. So cancelling a cycle would make me wait EVEN LONGER! NO!!!" But the chances that the cycle would be cancelled are pretty low. And honestly, what is one month in the grand scheme of things? Pretty minor. I am a firm believer that we will get a baby in my uterus eventually, and the less I try to schedule it out, the better for my mental health. I'm going to trust my body one last time to do the right thing and ovulate :) And if it doesn't: next month Lupron!

Since I was pretty on the fence about which way to go, because he was leaning towards natural, we're going with it. 

I also clarified some questions I had about how the FET process would actually go.

How do they pick which to thaw? And how many? What if they don't thaw well? Thaw the best embryo and pop it in. If it doesn't thaw well there is time to thaw another and put that one in. 

Sounds reasonable.

Based on the quality and quantity of the embryos we have, is the plan to still transfer one?

He said I would have to break his arm to convince him to transfer more than one. 

Alrighty then :) I am totally on board with this, but definitely gave me a chuckle.

I'm definitely excited about this, but trying very hard to remain calm and not think about it too much. Ha.

This Is Not A Sprint

It's a marathon. 

IVF was for me a finite amount of time in which I could do almost anything.

Sure, poke me with a few needles everyday.

No caffeine or alcohol, bring it on. 

Limit my normal exercise routine and eat really way? Got it. 

Circle and Bloom every night, socks on those feet and lots and lots of rest. Cool with me.

Vitamins and supplements like crazy? Why not. 

Because at the end of it, I would have an embryo or two in my uterus, hopefully implanting in the wonderful lining I created for it, and in 40 weeks I would have a baby.

I can handle it. I can do anything for relatively short, finite amount of time. It's a sprint.

But, as life as an infertile goes, things did not go as planned and this journey has turned into a marathon. (More than it already was...2+years of attempted baby-making is quite the marathon already.)

The universe has once again decided that I need to learn that I cannot and should not try to plan everything. Damn it. 

I have been totally on board with the new plan because the logical part of me knows that it's the best plan if I want to be a Mom. But it still is making me very tired as the thought of keeping all of this up. 

I have definitely loosened up a lot since it was determined that we wouldn't do a fresh embryo transfer. I have stopped "Circle and Bloom"ing for now even though I really like it...I wasn't sure what days to listen to! There is no "bummer, your transfer got cancelled, bring on AF" track. 

I have also had a few drinks and lattes :) this week and will get to start exercising normally again as of now. I no longer wake up in a panic and scurry down the hallway at 2 am to take the prenatal vitamin I forgot to take with dinner. It's an unofficial little break that will hopefully fire me up to start again very soon.

Today is Cycle Day 1 and I can honestly say I have never been more excited to see blood on the TP! It was a pretty weird feeling. Now I know how those uber-fertiles feel when they get their period and say "Phew! Not pregnant!" Pure elation :)

I have a phone meeting set up for Wednesday with my RE to discuss plans for the FET and I will start BCPs tomorrow. I can't wait to get my cycle calendar and feel like I have a sort of plan for my life for the next couple of months. (There I go with the planning again. I'll never learn.)

So...relaxation and The Break until my period is over, then back in the race I go!

13

Two more embryos made the cut. Thirteen frozen maybe-babies hanging out waiting to be put in my currently, but hopefully not permanently, empty uterus.

Okay, not all of them at once. 

Does it ever weird you out that all of your maybe-babies were created on the exact same day? Does that technically make them fraternal twins...or thirteenthuplets? (I totally just made up that word.)

I am getting extremely anxious to get one back in!!!

If I Was Pregnant, Would My Belly Be Cute?

The bloating has arrived. It is making me look like I'm 5 months pregnant. It is not cute.

I am feeling utterly BLAH. It is making me reevaluate the cute pregnant belly. Am I going to think it's cute when it's on my body? 

I have always had a small chest, big butt, small waste thing going on. It is strong genetics. Despite my best efforts to change the first two, my best shots proved futile. 

The small chest was the bane of my teenage existence. I fought it hard, hoping and praying that they would grow and I would be the one woman in my family with a sizable rack. No go. With maturity came an appreciation (most of the time, at least) for my small boobs. No cumbersome extra weight hanging around making exercise difficult, no worries of wardrobe malfunctions when wearing small shirts, and freedom to wear (or not wear) any kind of bra or bathing suit top I want. 

The booty also started as a negative, but over the years I have come to embrace it as an ass-et :) It used to be one of my least favorite body parts, so I was shocked when my Husband and I were dating to learn that it was his favorite part of me. Aside from my amazing personality, of course ;) 

The small waist, though. That has always been my saving grace in the body image department, the part of me that I was always confident about. So now seeing it balloon up to never-before-seen proportions...not gonna lie, it's freaking me out. I know that this is temporary. I know that I would be the luckiest girl in the world if my tummy could pop out because of a pregnancy. It's just making me think a little harder about how a morphing body (even due to a growing baby inside) could mess with me. 

I have heard people complain about their pregnancy weight and thought, "But you look so adorable!" and "If I was pregnant, I would cherish every pound!" and even "Get over yourself! You're growing a human! Suck up your self-esteem issues and move on!"

This giant OHSS belly is helping me understand that even when it is everything you want, seeing your body change isn't always easy. Here's hoping that I find my pregnant belly cuter than I find this one!

Ice, Ice, Baby

11 of our embryos are going into the freezer today. Dr. Tran wasn't as specific on the quality of each as I would have hoped, but I decided to go with it and not obsess over googling success rates for each right now. We'll have plenty of time for that with the transfer, I'm sure! 

In his words, we have "a few" of excellent quality, "a few" of above-average quality, and "a few" of average quality. We also have 7 that haven't made it to blastocyst stage yet and will be reevaluated tomorrow and frozen if they meet criteria.

I am very happy with those numbers and hoping and praying that it means that we will not have to go through the whole IVF process again, even if it doesn't work on the first try!

He also cleared me to restart normal physical activity after I get my period in a week or so. After the lazy, salty days since before retrieval, I am looking forward to a good workout! 

The state of my abdomen is feeling very...crowded. I don't really look bloated or even really feel bloated necessarily, but I almost feel like I can't take a deep breath because there isn't enough room for my lungs to expand. And when I sit down I feel like I'm wearing tight pants or something. I don't know how to describe it; it just feels weird. But I'm guessing that if I were to have an ultrasound right now, I would have a whole lot of fluid hanging out in there. Thankfully, the RE said that it will only get better from here on out.

Thanks for all of your FET advice- you're the best!

Grow Babies, Grow!

Day 3 Success. 

Out of our 18 embabies, 15 are Grade 1 Champs and 3 are Grade 2 or 3. I will be cheering them on like a proud Mama for the next two or three days until they are hopefully ready for the deep freeze.

Dr. Tran brought up a couple options for our FET that we have a little time to think about...well, I guess technically we have the two weeks until I get my period to decide. He said we could choose a natural cycle or a controlled cycle and that we would discuss more when we get closer. My understanding is, with a natural cycle I would not be on any medications (BCP or Lupron) and we would transfer the embryo timed with my natural ovulation.

With a controlled cycle I would start BCP and lupron as I did with IVF instead. 

Right now I think we are leaning towards a controlled cycle because it eliminates the possibility of the cycle getting cancelled because ovulation either doesn't happen or because it happens at a totally weird time. He said the costs are about the same, but with a controlled cycle there are medication costs and with a natural there are more ultrasound costs. I think my insurance coverage for Lupron is better than my coverage for more ultrasounds. 

Does anyone have experience with either? I would love to know your thoughts.

Grow Babies, grow!!!

OMG

There is no more appropriate term than "OMG" to make me both feel like a twelve-year-old and to describe how I am feeling right now. 

The last couple of days have been fine. Moving a little slower than my norm, but mostly back up and running. But I just had this weird full feeling in my abdomen. I have been chugging Gatorade like a mad woman and have not gained any weight since the retrieval, but I just felt weird. I woke up two nights ago convinced that my tummy was going to explode, then chugged some Mango Gatorade and tossed and turned through the rest of the night worrying that OHSS had come to get me. 

I realized last night while peeing for the umpteenth time yesterday, "Hmm. I don't think I've pooped since the retrieval. Ohhhhh." And click. It all made sense. 

I have some serious sympathy for those of you with chronic poo issues, because that was uncomfortable! 

This morning it took me about two sips of regular caffeinated coffee (my first in quite a while) to get things moving and make me a much happier girl. Mostly because I was enjoying a latte. 

And...I'm a new woman. A hopefully, back to my normal, "regular" woman. Constipation is no joke, people.

Now we are waiting anxiously to hear from the RE on our 3 day growth report!

I spoke to the nurse yesterday who informed me that it would be highly unlikely that they would transfer today based on my OHSS risk, so hopefully we have good growth!