5dp5dt

Wow, you guys. This FET process could not be more different from my last. Last time I was zen. Last time I was calm. Last time I was Circle and Blooming like a champ.

Last Thursday one blastocyst was transfered. That's about the only similarity. 

That night (even with my valium on board) we had our daycare woman and her husband over to watch the football game that The Hubs begrudgingly missed seeing live because of the FET. Entertaining them and my 21 month old was not exactly the relaxing evening I had hoped for. 

The next day our daycare was closed and The Hubs was traveling for work, so I spent the day pumpkin patching with my sweet girl and a friend and her daughter. So much fun, but also not so relaxing. 

Then all hell broke loose. The barfing happened. ALL the barfing. 

Piper started throwing up Friday afternoon and didn't stop until bedtime. The next day I had to help out with the NICU reunion that my hospital hosts every year, so we all trucked into the city and spent a fun day with the throw up a seemingly distant memory. 

That night it hit me bad. All night I was up and out of bed feeling sick as a dog. The next morning Nick woke up with the same thing. To say the day was a living hell is an understatement. I'm pretty sure a toddler-stomach flu combination should be considered legitimate torture. It goes down in history as one of my worst days ever. 

Needless to say, I was not thinking much about the FET, ecxept to think, "this does not seem like a good thing". I hope my body didn't expel EVERYTHING in it, like it felt like it did. Anyway, I completely forgot about my progesterone injection. I had a momentary freak out when I woke up teh next morning, but I'm hoping a late dose wouldn't sabotage the whole cycle. 

Ugh. 

So...that's how it's been, hence the no blogging since the transfer.

And today I will test. Last time around I got my first BFP EVER 5dp5dt, so I'll try for a second one. I will likely keep the results to myself for a few days either way, but I don't know. 

I'm feeling absolutely nothing right now, but had some slight cramping and tightness on day one and  two. I'm feeling pretty neutral right now, I honestly think it could go either way, so only time will tell...

Happenings and comparisons

We're still gearing up for the FET next Thursday (!!!)

The lining check last Thursday showed a lining of 12.3. Like last time, I'm trying not to ask a lot of questions or google like crazy any of my numbers. At this point, it's going to work or it is not and my normal over-googling to the max sometimes makes me more stressed. According to the Nurse Practitioner, my lining looks good and I am on track for a Thursday transfer. Woah. 

Last night was my first progesterone injection, and for some reason that brought all the memories back like nothing else has so far this cycle. That's where the comparing is starting to happen. Like just yesterday when I got my lining number, I thought, "hmm...wonder what it was last time?" (It was 8.5 according to my blog, by the way.) And then I started reading my symptom spotting log from last time. Ugh. I might not be googling, but I certainly am referencing other sources. 

I can't say that my head is where I want it to be right now. I think part of it is having a toddler running around keeping me too busy to think about it much or do a whole lot of pre-cycle planning. I also feel like I don't have the same "community" I had last time. Not that I don't appreciate you all out there :) but last time I followed several other bloggers who were literally going through the same things that I was at the same time. It's different, and definitely a void I'm feeling this time around.

I'm trying to zen myself out before Thursday. I have Wednesday off to yoga, massage, maybe acupuncture. If that doesn't do it, nothing will ;) Or maybe the pre-FET valium will do the trick! Either way and ready or not, blastocyst from straw 2 is going to make its way into my uterus Thursday at 3pm. 

I ordered the Wondfos because you know I'll be peeing on a whole bunch of things in my two week wait!

10-22-15

I have a calendar. 

And October 22nd is the projected day for the embryo transfer. 

I'm half freaking out and half not thinking about it at all. I just can't believe I'm here again. Wow. 

On another note, I feel like Pinterest is sending me a message. At least half of my suggested pins are baby boy related. Weird, right? I have not, to my knowledge, pinned anything to make Pinterest think I am interested in anything boy-related. I'm choosing to take it as a good omen for this cycle ;)

I'll be updating as the cycle progresses...

Back In the Game

The labs have been drawn, the consult is done, the birth control pills are ready for the taking, and tomorrow we head to the good ol' RE's office for a pre-FET saline sonogram. 

We are ready. But...are we ready?

It is such an intensely strange feeling this time around. Last time, I was chomping at the bit and anticipating every step, and I was SO, SO ready. We were dying to have a baby in our grips and could think of nothing else. This time we actually have to think a lot about if we're actually ready for this whole thing again.

We met with our RE in June and decided that we would think about an early September FET. My little lady is just now 18 months and he deemed 18 months as the earliest he would recommend for someone my age to elect to get pregnant through FET. We have a vacation at the end of this month, so as long as the saline sonogram shows a good uterus we will likely start the prep for an FET when we get back. But, gosh...it seems so soon! 

Despite feeling like adding another babe to our mix will be wild and crazy and being just a tad bit frightened about that, I am also getting so nervous that it's not going to work. I just don't feel up for that amount of heartache again. And last time I don't remember worrying so much about miscarriage, but this time around I am worrying about that too. 

Wish me luck tomorrow! It's been so long since my last saline sonogram, I don't remember what to expect. Time to consult my friend Google, perhaps. I never thought I would forget all of the details of IVF that I was such an expert on a couple of years ago!

No Miracles

No miracles happening here, people. 

We've been loosely "trying", actually staying very relaxed with the whole process shockingly! If it was gonna happen, I think it would have happened now because we really aren't thinking about it much. A natural pregnancy is seemingly not in the cards for us, so we're heading back to the RE in the end of June as we decided we would do.

In some ways I feel very calm about the whole situation because I know what to expect and I know from experience that we can have a successful FET. In other ways I am terrified. Mostly I am scared to reopen the emotional floodgates that tag along with fertility treatments, but also I am nervous that it won't work. I mean, duh, right? But I think more so because my only experience is that it does work, so I know that subconsciously I am expecting this one to work too. And the disappointment if it doesn't? Ugh.

Anyway, thought I keep y'all in the loop! 

In other news, my Sweet P is blossoming into such an amazing little toddler. I'm still not quite sure when that happened, but it did. It is wonderful and exhausting and challenging. I am just so glad she's mine.

That lip.

I mean...does it get cuter?

Don't mind the runny nose!

Aaaaannnnd, it's baaaacccckkkkk!

I was wondering how long this feeling would last. Wondering when I would return to the beginning and have the feelings. You know, those feelings. 

I've been in a perpetual state of bliss for going on two years now. Pregnancy and Piper's babyhood has really felt like heaven on earth and for a while I have felt like a normal human being. One that procreates, gets pregnant, has a baby, and gets to be happy for others. I have been genuinely thrilled to hear that one of my friends is pregnant and I haven't care that it was easy for them. I stopped looking at pregnant passerbys with envy, but instead looked at the belly with a sense of camaraderie. I greeted other newborns and Mamas with joy and sisterhood. Because I was there too, even if I didn't get there in traditional methods.

The creepy creeper called jealousy and that feeling of injustice is back. It's not yet making my life miserable, but it's here nonetheless.

At Thanksgiving two of my married friends with no kids and I were chatting about baby-making. One of them was very forthcoming and said that she and her husband were "trying", but it wasn't working. The other said that they would begin soon, but not quite yet. But she was VERY versed in baby-making lingo and alluded to talking with her OBGYN about conceiving, so I suspected otherwise.

This conversation was my first little preview of what was to come. I remember thinking, "These bitches will be pregnant by New Years. Damn it." Two of my very best friends. I logically do NOT want either of them to have infertility, I really, really don't. I want them to have babies the normal way. But I'm still jealous that I don't get to.

Yes, they're both pregnant now, and I'm actually quite happy about it! I have been able to be genuinely excited, and buy them gifts, and be involved with planning baby showers, and overall be very involved in a way that I never could have been pre-Piper. But I know that is fleeting. I catch myself with pangs of envy at a belly shot and feelings of annoyance when they talk about they're pregnancies incessantly. I LOVED being pregnant, and 6 months ago I would have happily chatted all day about the amazing process. So...why the change? 

I'm thinking a lot about what happens next for us. In an ideal world, I would love 2-3 kids. I would have planned for my children to be 2.5ish years apart. Piper is 13 months now, so I feel like we need to start thinking about next steps soon. Our original plan was no birth control when she was 6 months old. That didn't happen. I was extremely torn, but we decided we were not ready for a miracle spontaneous pregnancy when she was 6 months old. I sometimes wonder if we were stupid to not go for it right away, but my body and mind just didn't feel ready. 

I got my period when she was 11 months old and immediately started tracking my cycle, which has been pretty regular since, and we stopped using condoms. We are not officially trying, but I do consult my calendar often. Truth be told, between business travel for The Hubs and exhaustion, even if we were UBER fertile, I probably wouldn't be pregnant right now! Must fit in more sex...

So, sorry for the ramble. That's where I am. Slightly envious, maybe wanting to be pregnant again soon, not quite trying, not sure where to start. 

We're going to make an appointment with our RE for next month and come up with a plan, but I think we're going to tentatively plan for an FET this Summer and start actively trying to get pregnant next month. I'm scared to move forward because I know what this journey entails.  I am keenly aware that as soon as we start really trying, I will be obsessed. I am not looking forward to living in 2 weeks stints again. I know that once I go to the RE, I will be focused on that FET month and my lab results. I am so scared that things will not work out this time like they did last time. What if we don't get pregnant on the first FET? What if I do get pregnant but it's a chemical pregnancy or I miscarry? There are so many unknowns and so many hurdles. But this time I have a baby who I need to be present for, who I want to be present for.

Oh geez, too much future-thinking for one day. I'm stressing myself out!

Ultrasound Eve

It is ultrasound eve! I am both excited and scared out of my brains about this. 

I have been symptom-spotting up the wazoo since the disappearance of anything mildly "pregnanty" (totally not a word) but have been trying to reassure myself by what so many of you said about symptoms and lack of symptoms.Thank you for all of those pearls of wisdom!

I will say, the slightly (and I mean, slightly) sore breasts have returned. And do my A cups look more like an A+? And I have some very milk food aversions that usually come on part way through a meal when I realize that whatever I'm eating that tasted good at first doesn't taste good anymore. That's it kids. They're either symptoms or I'm imagining it all. In 3 years of TTC, these would not be the first symptoms I've imagined!

I was talking to The Hubby about the ultrasound today and realized how little I know of what to expect from tomorrow. I think we will either see a baby or we won't and it will either be the right size or it won't and it will have a heartbeat or there will be nothing ticking in there. Sound about right?

I honestly have no idea how I am going to wait until 3:45 tomorrow! I might have to kidnap an ultrasound tech at work in the morning and bribe him to scan me. I'm only kind of joking...

Aaaaaaah!!!!! a.k.a. Beta #2

This morning's beta was 4,842! That's a doubling time of 49 hours and just where they want me to be.
The first ultrasound is scheduled for July 22nd!
And today I am 5 weeks pregnant. Holy moly.
In other news: my butt is a delightful combination of painful when jiggled and numb, and I think I might have a trace of a symptom: nausea that lasted most of the day yesterday and some of the morning today!!! Yippee! 

The LOOOOOONNNNGGGG awaited beta!

So, it's official. I'm pregnant. The Nurse actually said, "Congratulations, you're Pregnant! Very Pregnant!"

Beta is 2500...something. I don't remember the exact number because I was so nervous, but my clinic is okay with anything over 100, so I feel good about that number :)

I am still a big ball of nerves today and wish I could fast forward to Wednesday and have beta #2 under my belt. I am feeling so insecure about everything even though I have no current reason to worry. I have seen so much heartbreak in this community of people I now consider friends and as much as having such a wonderful group of cheerleaders and buddies is the best, it also has opened my eyes up to the fickle nature of IVF pregnancies. One minute they're there and seemingly fine, the next minute not. 

I have still had zero symptoms which made today excruciating because I was analyzing every possible negative outcome. I don't know why I'm in this weird state, but I hope I can burst out of this funk and move on to enjoying this pregnancy that I hope will last for 9 more months.

So now I have a two day wait. I may regret this later, but symptoms: bring it on!

Awe, Gee!

You all know how to make a girl feel special! 

Thank you so much for all of your well-wishes, words of encouragement, and as usual, for traveling this journey with me. You all were the second people (after the Hubby of course!) that I was dying to tell when I saw that second line.

We are feeling cautiously optimistic going into the beta on Monday. The pee sticks continue to get darker and I'm feeling a bit rundown and tired by the end of the days. This girl has never been more excited to be exhausted :)

I spoke with one of the Nurses who responded to my anxiety about Monday's beta by literally saying, "Well, in my experience if the pregnancy test is positive, the blood test will be too!"

Okay, duh. I'm going to have some HCG in my system, but will it be enough and will it double are the questions here Miss Ignorant Nurse! Geesh.

But she's right, nothing to worry about since I clearly have no control over the outcome anyway!

I hope you all have a wonderful 4th of July! Wishing all of my semi-cycle buddies lots of luck!

Not Empty

My uterus is currently, officially occupied! By an implanted little embryo! 

I've been crazy quiet on the blogging front despite my mind being anything but silent.

I started peeing on sticks 5 days post my transfer. I have a bazillion and one cheapo pregnancy tests that came with a huge supply of OPKs on Amazon, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to burn through a few since my beta is agonizingly far away!

When I peed on that first stick and saw nothing, I'm not gonna lie, I thought this cycle was a bust. No symptoms, no cramping, no sore boobs, no nothing. And negative test.

The next day I saw what I thought was a faint shadow of a line. I did what any crazy, hormonal lady would do and went on a google rampage. Are the lines usually THAT light? False positives ever? What does a positive look like? (There are a surprising amount of photos of pee sticks!)

The next day it was slightly darker I thought. I also dipped a stick in water to make sure I wasn't thinking an evaporation line was a positive or something. Nope, my placebo was just solid white...promising. But still so light!
This went on for a couple more days until today, 8dp5dt, I went all out.
First I peed on the amazon stick. Then I peed on a dollar store test. Both positive but very light.
Then tonight, when I could stand it no longer...I peed on a digital. And the most beautiful word I have ever seen appeared: Pregnant.

I'm freaking out. So many thoughts are swirling in this little mind of mine. I wish so much that I didn't have to wait until next Monday for a beta. I know so much can happen between now and then, and then and the next beta, and the beta and the ultrasound. It's so hard to just be gleeful about it when it's so early. But for now, I'm pregnant and I'm going to try to enjoy every moment as if I were an ignorant, blessed fertile with no reason to believe a positive pregnancy test doesn't guarantee a baby in nine months.

Nada

So....I know it's early and all, but I'm not feeling ANYTHING. Zero symptoms of any kind. Not gonna lie, it's making me nervous. Really nervous. I'm 4dp5dt, supposedly right smack in the middle of implantation and I have not felt a thing. 

I'm trying to stay calm and zen, doing my daily Circle and Bloom guided meditation and trying to keep myself distracted, but a little something to let me know that the bitty baby is planning on sticking around would work like a valium on calming me down a bit.

This is the worst two week wait ever!

And while I'm at it, who makes an IVF patient wait a full 2 weeks for a beta!? Seriously?!

Happenings

Well Folks, I'm exactly 2dp5dt. And not much to report. Feeling totally myself and mostly just trying to not overdo it since I feel so normal. I'm still off work which is both fantastic and torturous. I am lucky to have an obscene amount of sick time and am at the point where I either use it or lose it, so this hopeful Mama is using it! I'm not quite sure how much time I'm taking off, but at least a week. I'm hoping to get some good house organizing done, enjoy the outrageously beautiful weather, and overall just relax. The downside of so much downtime is that I have a lot of time to think about symptoms or lack thereof and to think about it all.the.time. My RE does not recommend bed rest, but does recommend mostly sedentary activities for the first two days, so now that I'm past that I think I will start doing some fun stuff to take my mind off what's going on in there. 

Speaking of...what's going on in there? 

According to my handy dandy chart, at two days post five day transfer the blastocyst should be finishing the hatching process and beginning to implant in the uterus. Hopefully the Wee One is holding up its side of the bargain and doing that!

In other news, my hubby rocks my world when it comes to PIOs! After giving myself the injections for four days and not feeling terribly sore, I was a little nervous to hand over the needle to him. Because, let's be real, he's hardly qualified to stab me in the butt with a needle THAT big! 

Oh man, I was so wrong in doubting him. Just being able to position myself so that my muscle can be completely relaxed has made a world of difference, but he is also very good at darting that sucker in so I hardly feel the poke and then ever so gently pushing it in so my muscle doesn't seize up. He's good. Anyone in the Bay Area need an injector, I have just the guy for you. Bonus: he's out of this world hot too. No more sore lumps for the time being! Yippee!

Not much else to share except that I will be testing and I'll be doing it early. Probably too early, but I just know myself and I know that's what I have to do to remain sane. I haven't decided on the day yet, but I'll be sure to keep you all in the loop :)

The Most Pregnant I've Ever Been

Our most perfect Embryo, hopefully making itself nice and cozy in my no longer empty uterus!

The frozen embryo transfer went off without a hitch today. 

Here's how it went down.

* 11:00 am: Valium down the hatch and chugging the water to fill my bladder up

*11:45 am: Arrive at the clinic, check in, change into some fab socks and gown, hat, and mask.

*12:00 pm: Into the procedure room, meet with embryologist (one 5 day blastocyst thawed according to plan, handled thaw like a champ)

*12:15 pm: Done.

Oh yeah, this baby's going in!

What's going on there? Source

 Thank you for all of the well wishes! I am officially the most pregnant I have ever been an couldn't be more excited! PUPO!

The Moments I Realize I Am Not Okay

This has been a long journey.

There is no infertility story that does not involve a long journey.

But man does it feel long.

There have been times of extreme stress and worry, times of resolution, times of jealousy and introversion, and times of just being. 

The "being" is where I have been for some time now.

I have all of those feelings of stress and worry and jealousy and fatigue...but for the most part they do not dominate my life as they once did. I am living (as best I can within the constraints of my cycles). I am okay.

Today I had one of the moments. One where I realized that even though this journey is not conquering me each and every moment of my day, I am not in fact okay.

I have been attending yoga classes as much as I can in the recent months and cannot believe how much it has helped me mentally and physically. I have not been a yoga lover in the past, but I think it is filling some void in me right now and is just what the doctor ordered!

Today was my last class for a bit since FET is tomorrow (!!!) so after class I checked in with the teacher to see if she had any poses that are easy on the body and good for uterine blood flow or fertility. She's pregnant, she should know, right?

She offered me lots of suggestions and gave me some foods that are supposed to increase fertility. As I was laying on the ground next to her, hips in the air, receiving her well-wishes...I started crying. For no apparent reason except for that I am not 100% okay. I am excited, but more than that I am so freaking nervous that this might not work that I can hardly stand it. Because then what? This is not a question I have had to ask myself yet. There has always been a logical next step, but this is kind of the end of the road. Granted we have a good store of maybe babies in the deep freeze, but it's just a lot, that's all.

So here I am. Feeling so many mixed emotions. I just had my "last supper" of a delicious margarita and too much sushi; hopefully I had enough of both to satisfy me for the next nine months.
Tomorrow is it. One little embryo goes into the uterus.

If any of you have some extra good thoughts, prayers, good karma, etc. please send them my way.
FET in T-16 hours.

PIO

Since The Hubby is out of town, I had a grand plan to have one of my co-workers give me my first progesterone injection tonight before I left work. Luckily since I am a nurse, there is no shortage of qualified injectors floating around. Good plan, bad execution.

Lupron brain over her left work in a rush and forgot to have my designated shot-giver shoot me up first! Balls! 

Finally I worked up the courage and after probably 10 minutes of staring at my ass cheek with the syringe ready to plunge...I did it. And it wasn't that bad. The worst part was the darting; after the needle was in it was smooth sailing. I walked and lunged around and massage the heck out of my butt trying my best to contract my gluts and hopefully disperse the oil. Now I'm sitting on my heating pad hoping it helps. I already feel my muscle is a bit sore and judging from how I felt after my IM HCG injections, some degree of soreness is just going to happen.

I'm considering this a successful first day. Hoping for many more weeks of this!

FET is on!

Deep breaths are in order. FET is on!!! 

I had my first appointment in quite a while and was more nervous than I let myself believe I was. That cancelled cycle really messed with me. I was preparing myself for another cancelled cycle and another couple months of waiting. But all is well in the world and the transfer is scheduled for Monday afternoon.

My uterine lining was measured at 8.4mm, which he said was good. I have yet to obsessively google how good it is, but I'm sure that will come later...

Now all that is between me and our embryo is 5 days and some progesterone injections starting tomorrow (kind of nervous about those!)

 And here's the schedule!

I'm arming myself with a heating pad and will be walking, walking, walking after the shots to hopefully help disperse the medication and avoid the painful, lumpy ass that so many of you have warned me about! Any other suggestions?

The Case of the Incredible, Expanding Woman

So I've gained a little lot of weight.

I don't know what the difference between the IVF cycle and this FET cycle is, but holy moly, the pounds are packing on. At least I feel like they are. I am NOT stepping on the scale for fear of depressing myself too much. Since I have no stims going on, I can exercise normally, but I still feel like no matter what I do I am getting jigglier and jigglier by the day. I know some of it is related to my diet. For some reason I have not been able to reign it in despite my best intentions. I'm blaming it on the lupron. Lupron is quite the scapegoat around these parts. 

I thought about doing a short stunt with weight watchers or something, but I'm not sure if uterine lining is at all effected by decreased caloric intake, so I'm just resigning myself to some weight gain (or at least not weight loss) until the cycle is done or I have a baby in this uterus. 

The upside is that I can't wear a bikini anyway because I have vivelle patches all over my abdomen, so I guess bring on the rolls :(

Patching It Up

Not much new around these parts aside from a vivelle patch on my belly. This is a new addition this time around and so far the easiest infertility treatment I've experienced! A clear, non-painful patch on the tummy I can handle. I swap it out every three days, gradually increasing until I have four on at one time. I am slightly curious how I'm going to squeeze them all in and still have room to rotate my Lupron injections :) The next step is a lining check and meeting with my in-cycle nurse coordinator to go over the schedule, but that's not until June 18th. I feel like I have the longest IVF course in history. I'll have to peek back at my timeline, but I'm pretty sure our IVF consult was like 2 years ago. Argh. BUT! Keeping my eye on the prize...

 The Hubby is gone on a work trip for almost three weeks, which I think is making time move a little quicker. I do NOT know how single Moms function. I'm so, so busy! And I'm just a Puppy Mom currently! Thankfully he'll be back just in time for planned FET. I'm so excited, but trying my hardest to not wish my weeks away. It's so easy to do in this infertility cycle of cycles!

This Bubble Has Burst

I have been quiet on the blogging front mostly because I have almost nothing to say fertility-related after my cancelled FET. We are literally just waiting.

All of this waiting has given me time to think, which I'm not sure is a good thing. 

My IVF retrieval and most of what followed was very benign. Eggs retrieved, eggs fertilized, eggs grew, eggs frozen. Besides the OHSS leading to no fresh transfer, I was feeling pretty stoked about how everything went down. It seemed my body was pretty darn cooperative for once in its reproductive life. Then the natural FET cycle happened and my optimism faded. 

For one, I was reminded that hopes can be shattered in an instant. I was also reminded that even after all of this, even after 13 eggs, there are no guarantees that this is going to bring us a baby. 

The natural cycle gave me one thing (besides a lot of extra "wasted time"). It gave use new information that potentially explains why we have not been successful making babies the normal way. While I feel like this information is great to have for the future, I am just so pissed off that there is another little bit of something that is not quite right. And I'm scared that once an embryo is transferred, we might find out that something else is wrong. I just want something to go right. And I want a baby.

My BFF has a baby that she calls my Goddaughter despite how horribly distant I became in her pregnancy. I cannot say that I am completely over that, but I am so happy that she is a bigger person that I and has persevered and made us an integral part of her daughter's life.

I have a long blog post about how hard it was for me when she announced that she was pregnant. We had discussed just a month or so before that she was officially "trying" and I had shared that we were also trying, but with no luck for 9 months. Obviously, she did not have trouble and was pregnant in about two cycles. Cue jealous Empty Uterus. 

This baby of hers is now having her first birthday party in two weeks and is walking. Wowzers. I still can't help but be a little bit envious, and it always tugs at my heart strings when we are around her and I see how much The Hubby adores her and has become such a natural Daddy. 

So many of you posted on Mother's Day and I thought about posting many times but was traveling and busy so never got around to it.  Mother's Day has really always been about my own Mom. I don't think the last few years I even really thought about it in relation to my infertility...not sure why. This year was for some reason very different for me. We celebrated with my Mom,  The Hubby's Step Mom, and my Sister-In-Law. It hit me harder than I thought it would seeing everyone with their flowers and wishing each other a happy day. I held it together, but I was pretty emotional. 

 A work colleague who struggled with infertility posted this: "...until three year's ago, Mother's day was special day to honor my mother and the other wonderful ladies around me, but it was also such a sad day for myself. To all the ladies out there praying to be a mom, I hope these pictures give you some inspiration to have a family. If I can be a mom, you can too. I will keep all of you in my prayers that one day your wishes, desires and dreams do come true. xoxo!!" Flood gates open for the first time.

I knew my Mom was having a rough time for me, because she's like that- always thinking of others first. I think she wasn't sure if she should say something or not, but finally did in a very subtle way. Something along the lines of "Next year we'll be celebrating you because it is going to happen for you". Ugh. Flood gates again. For some reason it did make me feel better for someone to acknowledge that this was a hard day because we should have been celebrating my motherhood too. Moms are the best. 

Anyhoo...

I am one week in on birth control pills and will start Lupron a week from Monday and Vivelle patches a little over a week after that to prep for what will hopefully be a smooth FET in late June. I am going into this one a little less green and a little more jaded, but am hopeful that I can reign myself in and get myself in a nice, positive state before then.

I probably won't be posting a lot until the action starts :) but I have and will be reading along with all of you!