ICLW and NIAW

I'm talking about some new TTC abbreviations to be added to the list (the LOOOONG list) of abbreviations that the infertility community embraces. I remember when I first started googling fertility questions...I needed a special dictionary! Now I speak the language, much too fluently :)

These two abbreviations are new to me and ones that I am very excited about!

First off, welcome fellow ICLW participants! This is my first month partaking in the fun and so far I'm liking it! It has been so fun receiving your comments, reading your kind words, and of course checking out all of your blogs. I am constantly inspired by you all and your strength, humor, and support of one another. 

If you're new here, check out My Story and Our TTC Timeline and find out a little about me here. I am currently at the very beginning of my 4th IUI cycle on injectables and feeling very, very hopeful for this one!

Now for NIAW.

This is my first National Infertility Awareness Week as an infertile. I'm having a bit of a struggle with it only because infertility is a part of my life that I have been very private about. Our immediate family knows, but no one else. Why I have chosen this, I'm not sure. I am a private person in general, but not this private. I know my friends would be supportive and caring and they might even make this process easier. So why keep it a secret?

I think it mostly boils down to not wanting to talk about it. Telling people means having to rehash our story over and over. It means having to explain the ins and outs of our inability to make a baby naturally. Talking about it means having to listen to people tell me to take a vacation and relax and make it fun. But worst of all for me, it means telling them that it didn't work...again. 

NIAW has made me rethink this.

I know firsthand the struggles of fertility, but many people do not, so how can I expect them to know what to say and how to act around me. And furthermore, the world needs to know about this, it needs to touch people personally, in order for anything to change. I know I could use a little change! A little more research, a little more support from insurance companies.

I'm not picking up the phone to spread the news just yet, but it's given me a little food for thought.

This week is the start of my fourth IUI cycle but I am going into it with a fresh, optimistic view. I'm throwing caution to the wind and putting my whole self out there. It takes all of my strength to shut out the "realistic" side of me that says it might not happen and risk the ultimate disappointment, but everyday I am going to tell myself that I am going to get pregnant this month. It's happening. My BFP's coming :)

Have a great week everyone!

Funk

I'm in a major funk today.

I'm 10 dpo, but have been spotting/having blood-tinged cervical mucous since 6 dpo. I suppose if it hadn't continued through, I might have thought it was implantation spotting, but that's a big, fat no.

No implantation, no pregnancy, just spotting for days. 

I tried taking vitamin B6 this month to lengthen my luteal phase, but now I'm having second thought...maybe I should have just left well enough alone, because it seems like it made it worse...or at least didn't help. 

I have no idea what is going on with my body and I'm pretty bummed that IUI #3 was not a success. We're giving it one more shot, and then what? How did this become my life? I seriously did not see this coming. 

I naively thought that hubby and I would be the ones that IUI solved the problem. Whatever that problem is, since they've never really found anything. I truly thought it was going to work. Ugh.

PMS really is an infertile's worst enemy. Not only am I facing the fact that I am not pregnant, but I'm also completely hormonal and bloated. Super.

Baby, Baby, Baby

Today was the big day! IUI numero tres! 

Here's hoping that my one follicle was a super star and produces the best egg Hubby's sperm has ever seen...one that it just can't resist.

I didn't mind spending Easter in the RE office one little bit. Easter is all about babies and new life and eggs...throw a little sperm in the mix and it sounds just about right. Hopefully we have a little new life of my own in the works.

This weekend was a good one for me even though though it included lots of baby exposure and even a baby shower! My first nephew was born last weekend and we were finally able to make the trip to see him. I was not excited about my 21 year-old Sister-In-Law's "oops!" pregnancy announcement, but I am absolutely thrilled to be an Aunt. He was born a little early at 35 weeks and he is the cutest little thing ever. 

I can't say that the visit was all sunshine and lollipops, because I was definitely overcome with jealousy a few times. But overall, I was happy with how well I took it. Probably because I am surrounded by babies at work, the harder part for me is being around pregnant ladies in all their glowing wonder. Once the baby is out, I know how to deal!

The hardest part of the whole weekend was watching my Husband hold the teeny tiny baby on his chest, tears streaming down his face. He is almost always terrified of other people's babies, but holding his Godson seemed to come naturally to him and it broke my heart that it wasn't our baby that he was holding. We have lots of friends with babies, but for some reason holding his Sister's baby really made it sink in for him how much he wanted his own. Ay ay ay, it broke my heart.

Now I officially enter the two week wait and I am already counting down the days. 

Hmmm

I had an ultrasound and lab check today and was as surprised as my RE was to see that my left ovary decided to make a big, fat follicle. All's well except that the right side is moving much slower, so IUI on Sunday may be only one egg. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I had 3 or 4 last month and my uterus remains empty, so I feel like our chances are cut in quarters. It only takes one, right?

Ugh. 

I'm usually pretty excited at this time of the cycle, but I can't help but feel sort of disappointed this time around.

Two's a charm?

I just finished IUI #2 and am wishing and hoping that it is a success. 

Last cycle the IUI took place on a Sunday so the Hubs and I had a nice relaxing day, stopped for breakfast while the sperm was washed, and we saw lots and lots of little signs that it was going to work! But it didn't.

This time due to crazy work projects, The Hubby wasn't even there for the IUI :( he had to drop his sample and run! Aside from that, all went well. I saw the sperm shoot in there with my own two eyes, I even gave them a little pep talk before the doctor came in since Hubby wasn't there to do it himself :) 

Last time there was no mention of sperm count, but this time she said it was slightly low before washing, but improved afterwards to 26 million and 95% motility. I haven't had much luck finding normal numbers for post-wash count...anyone have some expertise on this? 

All thoughts, prayers, good vibes, etc welcome! Now starts the waiting!

Wait...that's it?

IUI is done and The Hubby and I left the clinic yesterday thinking that it was all a bit anticlimactic. 

All of the preparation, monitoring and injections over the last fourteen days and then...five minutes of face time with the doctor and we were on our merry way. That's it? We could have just made a baby? 

We arrived at the clinic bright and early so Hubby could provide his sample and I could have my last lab draw. Because of the distance to the clinic, he had to use the collection room instead doing it at home which I think would have been better. If there's a next time, we might change that up a bit...don't you think they should let women into the collection room? Kinda weird, but I think I could help him get a pretty stellar sample ;)

We had a leisurely breakfast and headed back. I think because it was a Sunday and they are only open for half the day, the clinic was busy! When it was finally our turn...it felt like an eternity, we prepped ourselves in the room with a little pep talk to my ovaries and a breaking of a wishbone that we've been saving for this occasion. I got the big half (but I'm pretty sure we were wishing for the same thing!)

The doctor had to really maneuver to get the catheter through my cervix...hmm, does the sperm always have to work that hard? Maybe that explains something? 

And then it was done. 

And there is nothing more we can do this month. We gave it our all.

Crazy.

I go back in next week for an ultrasound and a progesterone check. I'm not quite sure what they expect to see on ultrasound, but they said they can confirm that I ovulated.Then beta the week after that. 

In the meantime, I am practicing positive thinking. I have struggled with this in the past because positive thinking means hope, and hope means disappointment if it doesn't work. 

So I am trying to find a balance and be realistically optimistic. I hope it works and I'm feeling good about it, but I also know that many times IUI doesn't work on the first try.

Has anyone else had leaking after the IUI? Google says it can be normal, but I thought the cervix closed up to keep all the good stuff in?

Pulling The Trigger

I had my third ultrasound of the week today...is that normal when on Menopur? I didn't know I would be making so many trips!

Good news all around: text book lining, good estradiol level, and three follicles ready and waiting to be triggered. So tonight Hubby will give me my HCG trigger shot and our IUI is scheduled for Sunday morning! Eek!

And maybe the best news is that I get to sleep in tomorrow. I have been feeling pretty run down with all of the running around from appointments to work almost every day.

Shoot me up, Baby!

Today the Hubby and I attended an Injection Workshop to prepare us for our first IUI/Medicated Cycle...starting in just about a week!
I originally assumed that I would give myself injections, and as a Nurse, that really didn't scare me much. I have never been particularly afraid of needles so I didn't think much about that part of IUI at first.
But then I remembered the time I tried to give myself a Brazillian bikini wax. (I know! Not my smartest moment!)
"I never have a problem in the salon, so it should be fine, right?"
Wrong.
I got one strip in, and I could no longer force myself to pull off the wax. Like, I couldn't physically do it. My hands would start and immediately fall lifeless. Despite my tolerance to having it done by someone else and my relatively high tolerance to pain, doing it to myself was a no go.
I had the same vision of me attempting to poke a needle into myself...I don't know if it would go well!

In comes my wonderful and eager Husband. 
I say eager because he is a little too eager to give me these injections.
I feel a little guilty about it considering that he endured many practice IV starts and blood draws when I was in nursing school, but...I'm scared!
I trust him...but I'm still scared.
Watching his big hands jab the needle into the dummy with such conviction...yikes. 
I have a vision of him coming at me with that loaded syringe, jabbing it in like a dart. Ay, ay, ay.

Despite my reservations about my injection "Nurse", I am so excited to get this cycle started and I know he is going to do a great job. I also like the idea of him having an active part in the process.
I finally feel like we are making progress towards the end goal. 
Shoot me up. And hopefully BABY!

And we're in...

I have never been more excited for my period to start, because cycle day one means the start of our first (and hopefully only) IUI cycle with the AMIGOS study!

All labs were within their parameters, so we are scheduled to meet with the study coordinator to receive my medications on February 10th! 

I can't wait!

Any pre-IUI advice?

Hola Amigos

Today was our screening appointment for the IUI study I mentioned we were looking into. We completed the pre-screening process already...it was quite intense! Today I had a metabolic panel drawn, Hubby had some blood sent as well (he doesn't remember what! Boys!), and we went over the study in depth for the second time. Then I had a transvaginal ultrasound done to rule out ovarian cysts and take measurements of my ovaries and check my antral follicle count. Good times, ladies, good times.

Now we wait. 

As long as the labs are normal, we are in and we will start next cycle!

I was concerned (as many of you were) with being randomly assigned to a drug and potentially being assigned to injectable FSH. I still am concerned, but after hearing how stringently I will be monitored and reading the fifty page consent forms (yikes!) I am feeling much more comfortable with the idea. The supremely good news is that I can back out at any time, so if I was to be assigned to the "injectables" group I could still back out then. In the mean time, I am researching, researching, researching and we will also be consulting with the fertility clinic we were scheduled to meet with prior to all of this study business.

It's sinking in that this is our last month to "make it happen" before we move on to bigger (and more expensive and more invasive) things. I'm trying my best to NOT think about it and put pressure on us, because regardless of what happens, there is a plan.

I also can't help but think about how it feels a little like we're about to mess with biology. I know that I'm ready to pursue fertility treatments, but oh how I wish Mother Nature would just make it work instead. Sigh.

In case any of you are interested, check out the AMIGOS Study. 

There are several sites participating throughout the country and the study follows you through four IUI medicated cycles (Letrazol, Clomid, or FSH).

 

Hopefully The Hubby and I will say "hola" to the AMIGOS study next month! 

*If anyone has enrolled in the study, I would LOVE to talk to you!

IUI, meds, and studies...oh my!

All right veterans, this post is for you. I need some advice and seeing as I'm the only infertile I know in my group of friends and family, I am turning to you.

Today we received the news that our insurance has agreed to let us see a reproductive Endocrinologist. Too bad they hardly pay for anything, but whatever. I'll recognize the positives where I can.

Then, because I think the universe likes to confuse me, we were contacted regarding an IUI study that we may qualify for. Low cost IUI=Awesome. But participating in the study would mean we would bypass anything other options the RE may have recommended prior to moving on with IUI.

So...

1. For a woman who ovulates pretty darn regularly with normal labs and a man who has a marginally low sperm count, is IUI usually the first step? Or would meds alone usually come first? I'm just trying to get an idea of what our course would be like if we didn't go straight to IUI.

2. This is a study that involves IUI with ovarian stimulation using either Clomid, Letrazole, or Gonadotropins. Any experience with any of these. It's a random trial, so I don't get to pick the drug I receive. 

3. Any other helpful thoughts? I'm currently making my way through (with my highlighter!) the 39 pages of consent...it's going to be a long night.

Thanks in advance!