What a Day

Yesterday was one of those days. 

The Hubs and I went to his company picnic and we both realized pretty quickly that it wasn't the best idea. Kids, kids kids and a party geared towards...you guessed it: kids! 

The kids were not the part that bothered me. There were adorable little munchkins having the time of their lives everywhere and it was fun just watching.

What bothered me was that everyone asked us when we were having kids and through out comments like, "Just enjoy this now, in a few years you'll be stuck at the bouncy house all day". 

Ugh. 

None of his coworkers have any idea what we've been going through for the last two years, but it was the last thing I wanted to talk about as I watched their little ones frolic around. 

Half way through the picnic The Hubby logged on to Facebook to check someone's name and the first thing he saw was a friend's posting "We are expecting! Ten weeks pregnant and due in February! Etc, etc, etc..." The non-jealous type that he is kindly said, "Wow, did you know A is pregnant? That's great for them." Pause. "Ten weeks...wow. Didn't they just get married in April? How exciting." 

It's almost worse to watch his sadness than it is to deal with my own. Especially when I see how hard he tries to be genuinely happy for other people.

This morning Hubs is off on a quick business trip and I can't shake this melancholy feeling. 

12 DPO, I'm sure PMS has a little something to do with it :)

But! IVF consult on Wednesday! Can't wait to start this next step!

A whole lotta' nothing

I have been quite quite on the blogging lately, mostly because nothing is happening. 

Sometimes I think something is happening, but then we're left where we started.

Of note: The husband was diagnosed with a varicocele. The jury is out on whether it is impacting our baby-making, but I think yes. Meanwhile, he had his best semen analysis to date, so who knows...no surgery for now and everyone agrees that IVF is our best bet.

Currently we wait for insurance authorization for the IVF consultation. I'm not quite sure why the process takes so long and they pay so little, but I guess anything they cover is better than nothing, right?!

I'm guessing we'll start sometime in the early Fall, so now I'm starting to think about how many embryos to transfer if we have the choice to do more than one. The RE I chose is big into single embryo transfer for someone of my age, but part of me thinks if the odds are better with two, why wouldn't we do that? But then the NICU nurse in me slaps myself. Talk about an internal dilemma!

I'm also looking into endometriosis. I don't necessarily have any symptoms but my last RE mentioned that an exploratory lap to rule it out might not be a bad idea. Seems a little invasive...

I might try some diet modifications and see what acupuncture can do for me, just in case.

Any thoughts?

Sensitive

Apparently I have a *delicate* system. Great.

Cycle day 16 and I've been spotting for 4 days. No ovulation? What?

I checked in with my RE who said my body is probably just trying to get itself back together after 4 cycles of Menopur and encouraged ovulation. "Some people's systems are just more sensitive than others."

She also suggested that I take a pregnancy test...just in case. Maybe my beta was too early and I'm having pregnancy spotting? No such luck.

Even though the Hubby and I decided to not "try" I was still secretly OPKing because I'm a control freak like that and was excited that I would ovulate before he left for his business trip. Hey, maybe the 19th month would be THE ONE!

This is my plan being thrown out the window. 

I think the universe is either telling me that it's time to give up this control thing. Or maybe it's telling me that I should spend an exorbitant amount of money on IVF.  Dunno.

A loss for words

It's been quite a while since I posted even though I've sat here several times to start and then...

nothing.

That's kind of how I feel right now: nothing to say, feeling...nothing.

This cycle was a big, fat bust. 

1 egg, 1 million post-wash sperm. Could have made 1 baby, but did not. 

Despite my desperate attempt at staying completely positive for our last IUI, when my RE came in with the sperm even SHE was disappointed and without much hope. 

So I changed from optimistic to realistic and hoped that like my RE said, "maybe this would all make for a really good story someday."

Now I start another cycle wondering what the future holds for us.

My Mom suggested waiting to pursue IVF for a while until we were a little less busy. At first the idea seemed all bad because after waiting all this time, I'm kind of ready to get this show on the road! But after thinking it over with my logical hat on :), I actually think that we actually might not have time to do IVF this Summer. As crazy as that sounds, I don't think I can pencil it into my calendar anywhere between the 3 weddings, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, the Hubby's business trip, and eating and sleeping. Good grief, it's going to be a busy few months!

So we wait.

Back to temperature checks and OPKs? Or maybe we really take a break and completely stop "trying"? Could I even do that? I might be a little too type A...

I see my RE on Wednesday and will discuss our options for the Summer and beyond. 

For now, I'm hoping that I can feel a little bit of something instead of lumping around like I have been. Maybe a little break will do me some good, bring back some of me.

I will be positive

I have been MIA lately in an attempt to harness all of my positive energy into making a baby this cycle. I have still been reading all of your posts, but have been both too busy to blog myself and also at a loss for what to say. I've been talking lots of good thoughts to myself like a crazy woman, but feel like I don't have much to say otherwise. Probably because my mind is so preoccupied with all those IF thoughts and also struggling to keep the negative ones at bay. It's a lot of work!

Today is CD 10 and I had my routine blood work and ultrasound to check up on all those follies growing! 

And then there was one. 

Yes, for the second month in a row my body has decided that it is best to ovulate one egg, despite my best efforts to make it triple that. Talk about being at a loss for words. Instead I cried. 

I cried because I feel like my body is betraying me and I can't help but be pissed off. 

I cried because I wish that I would have at least had too many follicle so they could cancel the cycle and I could try again next month. Instead we'll go through the motions of one last IUI that has no better chance of working than if we were to just have sex. At least sex is fun!

And mostly I cried because I feel like all the positive thoughts in the world will not change the fact that we can't get pregnant naturally and now we are having trouble getting pregnant unnaturally too.

I'm still saying my "stay positive" mantra, but I think today I'm going to wallow in my self-pity and sadness just a little bit, mostly because I don't think I have a choice. The tears gates are open wide and there's no shutting them now.

ICLW and NIAW

I'm talking about some new TTC abbreviations to be added to the list (the LOOOONG list) of abbreviations that the infertility community embraces. I remember when I first started googling fertility questions...I needed a special dictionary! Now I speak the language, much too fluently :)

These two abbreviations are new to me and ones that I am very excited about!

First off, welcome fellow ICLW participants! This is my first month partaking in the fun and so far I'm liking it! It has been so fun receiving your comments, reading your kind words, and of course checking out all of your blogs. I am constantly inspired by you all and your strength, humor, and support of one another. 

If you're new here, check out My Story and Our TTC Timeline and find out a little about me here. I am currently at the very beginning of my 4th IUI cycle on injectables and feeling very, very hopeful for this one!

Now for NIAW.

This is my first National Infertility Awareness Week as an infertile. I'm having a bit of a struggle with it only because infertility is a part of my life that I have been very private about. Our immediate family knows, but no one else. Why I have chosen this, I'm not sure. I am a private person in general, but not this private. I know my friends would be supportive and caring and they might even make this process easier. So why keep it a secret?

I think it mostly boils down to not wanting to talk about it. Telling people means having to rehash our story over and over. It means having to explain the ins and outs of our inability to make a baby naturally. Talking about it means having to listen to people tell me to take a vacation and relax and make it fun. But worst of all for me, it means telling them that it didn't work...again. 

NIAW has made me rethink this.

I know firsthand the struggles of fertility, but many people do not, so how can I expect them to know what to say and how to act around me. And furthermore, the world needs to know about this, it needs to touch people personally, in order for anything to change. I know I could use a little change! A little more research, a little more support from insurance companies.

I'm not picking up the phone to spread the news just yet, but it's given me a little food for thought.

This week is the start of my fourth IUI cycle but I am going into it with a fresh, optimistic view. I'm throwing caution to the wind and putting my whole self out there. It takes all of my strength to shut out the "realistic" side of me that says it might not happen and risk the ultimate disappointment, but everyday I am going to tell myself that I am going to get pregnant this month. It's happening. My BFP's coming :)

Have a great week everyone!

Funk

I'm in a major funk today.

I'm 10 dpo, but have been spotting/having blood-tinged cervical mucous since 6 dpo. I suppose if it hadn't continued through, I might have thought it was implantation spotting, but that's a big, fat no.

No implantation, no pregnancy, just spotting for days. 

I tried taking vitamin B6 this month to lengthen my luteal phase, but now I'm having second thought...maybe I should have just left well enough alone, because it seems like it made it worse...or at least didn't help. 

I have no idea what is going on with my body and I'm pretty bummed that IUI #3 was not a success. We're giving it one more shot, and then what? How did this become my life? I seriously did not see this coming. 

I naively thought that hubby and I would be the ones that IUI solved the problem. Whatever that problem is, since they've never really found anything. I truly thought it was going to work. Ugh.

PMS really is an infertile's worst enemy. Not only am I facing the fact that I am not pregnant, but I'm also completely hormonal and bloated. Super.