Wait...that's it?

IUI is done and The Hubby and I left the clinic yesterday thinking that it was all a bit anticlimactic. 

All of the preparation, monitoring and injections over the last fourteen days and then...five minutes of face time with the doctor and we were on our merry way. That's it? We could have just made a baby? 

We arrived at the clinic bright and early so Hubby could provide his sample and I could have my last lab draw. Because of the distance to the clinic, he had to use the collection room instead doing it at home which I think would have been better. If there's a next time, we might change that up a bit...don't you think they should let women into the collection room? Kinda weird, but I think I could help him get a pretty stellar sample ;)

We had a leisurely breakfast and headed back. I think because it was a Sunday and they are only open for half the day, the clinic was busy! When it was finally our turn...it felt like an eternity, we prepped ourselves in the room with a little pep talk to my ovaries and a breaking of a wishbone that we've been saving for this occasion. I got the big half (but I'm pretty sure we were wishing for the same thing!)

The doctor had to really maneuver to get the catheter through my cervix...hmm, does the sperm always have to work that hard? Maybe that explains something? 

And then it was done. 

And there is nothing more we can do this month. We gave it our all.

Crazy.

I go back in next week for an ultrasound and a progesterone check. I'm not quite sure what they expect to see on ultrasound, but they said they can confirm that I ovulated.Then beta the week after that. 

In the meantime, I am practicing positive thinking. I have struggled with this in the past because positive thinking means hope, and hope means disappointment if it doesn't work. 

So I am trying to find a balance and be realistically optimistic. I hope it works and I'm feeling good about it, but I also know that many times IUI doesn't work on the first try.

Has anyone else had leaking after the IUI? Google says it can be normal, but I thought the cervix closed up to keep all the good stuff in?

Pulling The Trigger

I had my third ultrasound of the week today...is that normal when on Menopur? I didn't know I would be making so many trips!

Good news all around: text book lining, good estradiol level, and three follicles ready and waiting to be triggered. So tonight Hubby will give me my HCG trigger shot and our IUI is scheduled for Sunday morning! Eek!

And maybe the best news is that I get to sleep in tomorrow. I have been feeling pretty run down with all of the running around from appointments to work almost every day.

Getting This Party Started!

I just got cleared to start my meds...holy cow.

I've been driving myself crazy waiting for this day, but I have to say, I'm a little bit more nervous than I thought I would be.

I was randomized to the Menopur group in the study which I have mixed feelings about. I have talked to a lot of people that are a fan and some that think it's too aggressive to start with...we're going with it. One cycle at a time. One injection at a time. If it ever stops feeling right, we'll stop.

I was most concerned about ovarian hyperstimulation, but the Doctors have reassured me that I will be monitored so frequently that they would catch it very early, before it was a problem. Speaking of the monitoring...wow. I am going to be spending A LOT of time at this RE Clinic! Good thing I have a good selection books on my to-read list! I am only left wishing that it wasn't a 45 minute drive there.

Overall I am feeling excited and lucky to have qualified for the study...I felt especially lucky when I picked up my $1200 worth of menopur today that I didn't have to write a check for :) 

I had a "moment" today during my ultrasound when the RE pointed out the good potential follicles. Not everyone gets to see the beginnings of their baby like we do...one of the perks of infertility? Maybe not quite, but it was kind of fun thinking that one or two of those could soon be growing in my belly into my baby.

Next step: injections!

Cycle Day 1

I thought I was going to be okay with cycle day one this month. I really did. 

Because day one means that I am one day closer to my IUI. 

But when I started spotting yesterday and had the tell-tale twingy, crampy feeling, I was not excited because it meant that our IUI was coming fast. I was not excited at all. I was shattered again, like I am every month. Because it didn't work, despite all our best efforts. 

I was hoping (even though I never would say it out loud) that we would be the story. The story of that couple that tried and tried, signed up for some insemination, and promptly got pregnant naturally the month before fertility treatments started. 

We are not that story. Boo.

The last few cycles I have stayed blissfully detached from the process in order to shelter myself from dissappointment, but this month for some reason my hope returned. Last week, my co-worker said she had a dream that I was pregnant. Then I had a dream that I was pregnant. I haven't had a pregnancy dream in a good six months. With all of that returned hope, the fall was harder.

Needless to say, Super Bowl Sunday was not so super for me. 

The Hubby insisted that we arrive at our friends' house four hours before game time so we could help get the food ready, etc. 

I dragged my feet and dragged my feet because I couldn't bear the thought of spending eight hours with my best friend and her pregnant belly, talking about nursery decorations and her growing bump. 

I also couldn't bear to tell The Hubby why I didn't want to get there early, because normally I would have jumped at the chance to spend a day with them. He doesn't do it intentionally, but simply because he is okay with spending time with them and is dealing with their pregnancy so much better than I am, he makes me feel guilty for feeling differently.

I had a talk with my friend last week about what she should/shouldn't say around me (she brought it up-clearly she senses something). I couldn't tell her the truth  (that I would rather not see her until after she delivers) because it's not really what I want. I don't know what I want. I suppose all I wish is that I could have could go back in time and get pregnant like a normal person so I wouldn't be in the envious state in the first place, but aside from that, I don't know if anything she does/says will make it easier for me. So I told her to talk to me like she didn't know I was infertile. Obviously she can't/won't do this because she does know, but I don't feel like she should have to tip toe around me.

I said this, but then she started talking about very normal things and I wanted to punch her.

Strike One: "I am sooo afraid my feet are going to grow and I won't be able to wear my normal shoes."

Ugh. That must really suck. Maybe I don't want to get pregnant after all...

Strike Two (in response to a "what are you drinking" question: "Iced tea. But what I wouldn't give to have a Bud Light." 

What I wouldn't give to NOT be able to drink!

Strike Three: "I have had a really hard time getting used to the weight gain. I feel so fat. I have spent my life trying not to get fat and now I feel like a cow. It's really hard. I've had to go home from work a couple times because I just feel like I look horrible." (tummy rub, tummy rub).

O.M.G. I almost died. As if I wasn't sick enough of looking at her cute belly. I don't think I will ever feel like this. I will embrace every single pound of that baby weight!

Sorry for that rant. 

I completely recognize that it has everything to do with me and very little to do with what she actually said. If the situation was reversed, I would also find it very hard to be in her shoes dealing with me and worrying about talking about my pregnancy.

Anyway, despite my gloomy, gloomy mood, I am very excited for this Friday when I will get my meds!

Shoot me up, Baby!

Today the Hubby and I attended an Injection Workshop to prepare us for our first IUI/Medicated Cycle...starting in just about a week!
I originally assumed that I would give myself injections, and as a Nurse, that really didn't scare me much. I have never been particularly afraid of needles so I didn't think much about that part of IUI at first.
But then I remembered the time I tried to give myself a Brazillian bikini wax. (I know! Not my smartest moment!)
"I never have a problem in the salon, so it should be fine, right?"
Wrong.
I got one strip in, and I could no longer force myself to pull off the wax. Like, I couldn't physically do it. My hands would start and immediately fall lifeless. Despite my tolerance to having it done by someone else and my relatively high tolerance to pain, doing it to myself was a no go.
I had the same vision of me attempting to poke a needle into myself...I don't know if it would go well!

In comes my wonderful and eager Husband. 
I say eager because he is a little too eager to give me these injections.
I feel a little guilty about it considering that he endured many practice IV starts and blood draws when I was in nursing school, but...I'm scared!
I trust him...but I'm still scared.
Watching his big hands jab the needle into the dummy with such conviction...yikes. 
I have a vision of him coming at me with that loaded syringe, jabbing it in like a dart. Ay, ay, ay.

Despite my reservations about my injection "Nurse", I am so excited to get this cycle started and I know he is going to do a great job. I also like the idea of him having an active part in the process.
I finally feel like we are making progress towards the end goal. 
Shoot me up. And hopefully BABY!

And we're in...

I have never been more excited for my period to start, because cycle day one means the start of our first (and hopefully only) IUI cycle with the AMIGOS study!

All labs were within their parameters, so we are scheduled to meet with the study coordinator to receive my medications on February 10th! 

I can't wait!

Any pre-IUI advice?

Hola Amigos

Today was our screening appointment for the IUI study I mentioned we were looking into. We completed the pre-screening process already...it was quite intense! Today I had a metabolic panel drawn, Hubby had some blood sent as well (he doesn't remember what! Boys!), and we went over the study in depth for the second time. Then I had a transvaginal ultrasound done to rule out ovarian cysts and take measurements of my ovaries and check my antral follicle count. Good times, ladies, good times.

Now we wait. 

As long as the labs are normal, we are in and we will start next cycle!

I was concerned (as many of you were) with being randomly assigned to a drug and potentially being assigned to injectable FSH. I still am concerned, but after hearing how stringently I will be monitored and reading the fifty page consent forms (yikes!) I am feeling much more comfortable with the idea. The supremely good news is that I can back out at any time, so if I was to be assigned to the "injectables" group I could still back out then. In the mean time, I am researching, researching, researching and we will also be consulting with the fertility clinic we were scheduled to meet with prior to all of this study business.

It's sinking in that this is our last month to "make it happen" before we move on to bigger (and more expensive and more invasive) things. I'm trying my best to NOT think about it and put pressure on us, because regardless of what happens, there is a plan.

I also can't help but think about how it feels a little like we're about to mess with biology. I know that I'm ready to pursue fertility treatments, but oh how I wish Mother Nature would just make it work instead. Sigh.

In case any of you are interested, check out the AMIGOS Study. 

There are several sites participating throughout the country and the study follows you through four IUI medicated cycles (Letrazol, Clomid, or FSH).

 

Hopefully The Hubby and I will say "hola" to the AMIGOS study next month! 

*If anyone has enrolled in the study, I would LOVE to talk to you!