Double Digits

So, ten weeks. 

I'm fairly convinced that time is actually slowing down and that the last two weeks actually were as long as they seemed. This may be because I am so freaking nauseous all the time. Or it might be because both my toddler and I got the stomach flu and were laid up for what felt like an eternity. 

I'm trying to be mindful of my complaining because (duh) I've wished for every symptom known to man to hit me if only I'd be pregnant, and here I am blissfully living it out. But in the moment the constant nausea is actually giving me quite the run for my money. I also have a lovely mix of heartburn most of the time...and WHY SO EARLY?!?!?

The ninth week felt pretty monumental. I feel like something changed and I was hit with all the stuff. Aside from the nausea that I will refrain from going on and on about, I just feel different. I am pretty rundown looking and feeling most of the time. I attribute this to eating all the bad food and to my sweet little lady who has decided to wake up between 4 and 5 every morning crying. Please say there is an end to this...two year molars? As I hear her loud wails echo through our house, I think about a sleeping newborn not sleeping through any of it and the chaos that two crying children could cause. Am I getting a bit ahead of myself?

The heartburn is a weird thing that lingers much of the day. I do remember having heartburn early last time, but not this early. I have started drinking a swig of diluted apple cider vinegar in water and it has worked like a charm so far! I hope that continues to be the miracle cure!

The baby bump is there already as well. I have not taken any pictures yet, but plan to start soon. I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to keep this mum because damn. Large and in charge. I supposed that speaks to the state of my abs at the moment...or lack thereof. Or muscle memory! 

We went to our first OB appointment yesterday and got to see the little one again on ultrasound! I had forgotten how much better the RE machine in comparison. No measurements were done, no heart rate calculated, just a quick little peek. We did get a glimpse of the arms and legs- not as blobby looking! 

Because I had a kinda preemie last time around, I will take progesterone once a week starting at 18 weeks. The relief I felt when I found out it was weekly was profound! My numb and lumpy booty cheeks might have actually smiled. Other than the progesterone, there is not much of anything that they'll be doing differently except for more cervical checks (I forgot to ask how often).  

Next step is the nuchal translucency scan at 13ish weeks (right after Christmas). Luckily, I think this will be a pretty painless wait since I am so busy and have so much to do between now and then!

All a flutter

The little niblet is bigger and the heart is still fluttering away! Holy bleep. 

P-p-p-paranoia!

I little snippet into my life right now: nausea. 

Oh god, the nausea. 

Heartburn, yuck. 

Oh yeah, I'm pregnant! I almost forgot in the chaos that is the life of a Mom of a 22-month-old. Maybe I should check what the miscarriage rates for today are since I'm probably not pregnant anymore. 

Am I feeling cramping? 

Shit, are my underwear wet? 

I'm bleeding. I must be bleeding. Hmm...no blood. Fab. 

Oh no, I might throw up. Must eat immediately. 

So bloated. So fat.

I thought that maybe I might be less nervous this time around, but it seems that the first trimester is just as much of a bitch the second time around. Maybe worse, honestly.

The symptoms are there much of the time, like whoa, but other times I feel nothing. Why, oh why has no one invented a portable ultrasounds machine for post-infertility preggos?!?!

I have ultrasound #2 with my RE tomorrow, which I hope will put my mind slightly at ease for 2.5 minutes. Then first the first OB appointment in scheduled for next Friday. Since my last pregnancy ended in a slightly preterm birth, this time I'm considered high risk so am going to start seeing a maternal fetal medicine specialist instead of the run-of-the-mill OB I saw last time. I have no idea what this means or if anything will be different, but I guess I'll find out next week! I have an inkling that I will continue progesterone injections throughout the pregnancy (hoping for only once a week, but the RE wasn't sure). My ass cheeks are starting to get pretty lumpy and sore, but I could definitely handle it if it was only every 7 days instead of every. single. day. 

We shared the news with our immediate families over the Thanksgiving holiday and shocked everyone! Pretty drastically different than the last time when they were all waiting for it impatiently! I was really surprised that my Mom didn't guess before since I was SUPER tired and nauseous for the few days leading up to the announcement. 

So, that's life now! I am going to start posting weekly updates because I feel like I need to document this time in some way or it will pass in a flash and I won't remember anything. It's just so different than last time where I obsessed over everyday and moment!

Beating

The ultrasounds was today! I was really pretty nervous, but in went the dildo cam without any fanfare and it was there.

There is a baby with a heart rate of 136.

It was measuring 7 weeks, a little ahead of schedule (I'm 6 weeks, 4 daysish). 

I can't shake this guarded feeling I have, but I am definitely getting more excited as this feels a tiny bit real. We're starting to think about how/when we're going to share the news and I'm starting to feel all day queasiness and freakish hunger...so seems that we're chugging along!

Holy shit.

6 weeks "ish"

Today is six weeks. Six weeks of a tiny, tiny baby supposedly growing in my usually empty ute. 

Wednesday is the ultrasound and I obviously can't wait. I pretty much feel nothing. The only maybe symptom is that my boobs seem to be a tad tingly at times. And sometimes when I make a quick movement I get a scary pain that shoots through my lower abdomen making me think that the baby is surely detaching from my uterus.  I remember that from last time, but don't remember when it kicked in. I might also be a little more tired than normal, but that could just be life talking. And I'm fat. Lupron definitely doesn't agree with my waistline, so I started about 5 pound up from my baseline and now I just feel poochy and flabby.

I threw a baby shower for my best friend this weekend. You might remember her from my scathing posts way back when, you know, in the dark days. I am happy to report that I am 99% happy for her this time around. I was super excited to throw the shower (which I absolutely couldn't stomach last time) and am truly happy that they will be welcoming another babe into the family. The 1% not happy isn't exactly NOT happy, but more avoidance. I still have a teeny bit of resentment that she got pregnant so quickly and has such easy pregnancies and can say things that only an uber-fertile can say like "the timing of this pregnancy is horrible". I keep all jealousy at bay, but I don't tend to ask a lot of pregnancy questions. 

So, that's it, folks. 

Wednesday! AAAH!!!

Betas

Beta #1 704 13dp5dt

Beta #2 1887 15dp5dt

Holy Moly. Now begins the longest 2 week wait ever until the first ultrasound. I remember from last time it was a HARD 2 weeks. But I am pregnant, and for that I am uber thankful and obviously that makes it worth 2 weeks of utter torture :)

I have been feeling totally normal except for a tad light-headed, which I don't remember from last time. I know I will kick myself for this later, but I am hoping that some symptoms start soon. The constant nausea, while hard to handle, was such a reassurance when I couldn't keep a constant ultrasound eye on what was happening!

According to my calculations I am 4 weeks, 6 days pregnant today and due July 9th. 

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Cautiously...Positive

I am no longer PUPO; I am pregnant.

I started testing on 5dp5dt, like I planned to do and saw just the faintest of faint lines. Since then they have gotten darker. I had a scare in the middle when one of the dollar store tests was negative, but it was expired, so I'm thinking maybe that's why? 

I braved the digital test today and got a lovely "pregnant". Wednesday is beta day, so I'm waiting to celebrate until then. Now, I'm just feeling weird. Excited but oh-so-cautious, still waiting for something to go wrong. 

Whoa, negative Nancy. Just guarding my heart, I guess.

Updates Wednesday! And hopefully a little more chipper :)

5dp5dt

Wow, you guys. This FET process could not be more different from my last. Last time I was zen. Last time I was calm. Last time I was Circle and Blooming like a champ.

Last Thursday one blastocyst was transfered. That's about the only similarity. 

That night (even with my valium on board) we had our daycare woman and her husband over to watch the football game that The Hubs begrudgingly missed seeing live because of the FET. Entertaining them and my 21 month old was not exactly the relaxing evening I had hoped for. 

The next day our daycare was closed and The Hubs was traveling for work, so I spent the day pumpkin patching with my sweet girl and a friend and her daughter. So much fun, but also not so relaxing. 

Then all hell broke loose. The barfing happened. ALL the barfing. 

Piper started throwing up Friday afternoon and didn't stop until bedtime. The next day I had to help out with the NICU reunion that my hospital hosts every year, so we all trucked into the city and spent a fun day with the throw up a seemingly distant memory. 

That night it hit me bad. All night I was up and out of bed feeling sick as a dog. The next morning Nick woke up with the same thing. To say the day was a living hell is an understatement. I'm pretty sure a toddler-stomach flu combination should be considered legitimate torture. It goes down in history as one of my worst days ever. 

Needless to say, I was not thinking much about the FET, ecxept to think, "this does not seem like a good thing". I hope my body didn't expel EVERYTHING in it, like it felt like it did. Anyway, I completely forgot about my progesterone injection. I had a momentary freak out when I woke up teh next morning, but I'm hoping a late dose wouldn't sabotage the whole cycle. 

Ugh. 

So...that's how it's been, hence the no blogging since the transfer.

And today I will test. Last time around I got my first BFP EVER 5dp5dt, so I'll try for a second one. I will likely keep the results to myself for a few days either way, but I don't know. 

I'm feeling absolutely nothing right now, but had some slight cramping and tightness on day one and  two. I'm feeling pretty neutral right now, I honestly think it could go either way, so only time will tell...

Happenings and comparisons

We're still gearing up for the FET next Thursday (!!!)

The lining check last Thursday showed a lining of 12.3. Like last time, I'm trying not to ask a lot of questions or google like crazy any of my numbers. At this point, it's going to work or it is not and my normal over-googling to the max sometimes makes me more stressed. According to the Nurse Practitioner, my lining looks good and I am on track for a Thursday transfer. Woah. 

Last night was my first progesterone injection, and for some reason that brought all the memories back like nothing else has so far this cycle. That's where the comparing is starting to happen. Like just yesterday when I got my lining number, I thought, "hmm...wonder what it was last time?" (It was 8.5 according to my blog, by the way.) And then I started reading my symptom spotting log from last time. Ugh. I might not be googling, but I certainly am referencing other sources. 

I can't say that my head is where I want it to be right now. I think part of it is having a toddler running around keeping me too busy to think about it much or do a whole lot of pre-cycle planning. I also feel like I don't have the same "community" I had last time. Not that I don't appreciate you all out there :) but last time I followed several other bloggers who were literally going through the same things that I was at the same time. It's different, and definitely a void I'm feeling this time around.

I'm trying to zen myself out before Thursday. I have Wednesday off to yoga, massage, maybe acupuncture. If that doesn't do it, nothing will ;) Or maybe the pre-FET valium will do the trick! Either way and ready or not, blastocyst from straw 2 is going to make its way into my uterus Thursday at 3pm. 

I ordered the Wondfos because you know I'll be peeing on a whole bunch of things in my two week wait!

10-22-15

I have a calendar. 

And October 22nd is the projected day for the embryo transfer. 

I'm half freaking out and half not thinking about it at all. I just can't believe I'm here again. Wow. 

On another note, I feel like Pinterest is sending me a message. At least half of my suggested pins are baby boy related. Weird, right? I have not, to my knowledge, pinned anything to make Pinterest think I am interested in anything boy-related. I'm choosing to take it as a good omen for this cycle ;)

I'll be updating as the cycle progresses...

Back In the Game

The labs have been drawn, the consult is done, the birth control pills are ready for the taking, and tomorrow we head to the good ol' RE's office for a pre-FET saline sonogram. 

We are ready. But...are we ready?

It is such an intensely strange feeling this time around. Last time, I was chomping at the bit and anticipating every step, and I was SO, SO ready. We were dying to have a baby in our grips and could think of nothing else. This time we actually have to think a lot about if we're actually ready for this whole thing again.

We met with our RE in June and decided that we would think about an early September FET. My little lady is just now 18 months and he deemed 18 months as the earliest he would recommend for someone my age to elect to get pregnant through FET. We have a vacation at the end of this month, so as long as the saline sonogram shows a good uterus we will likely start the prep for an FET when we get back. But, gosh...it seems so soon! 

Despite feeling like adding another babe to our mix will be wild and crazy and being just a tad bit frightened about that, I am also getting so nervous that it's not going to work. I just don't feel up for that amount of heartache again. And last time I don't remember worrying so much about miscarriage, but this time around I am worrying about that too. 

Wish me luck tomorrow! It's been so long since my last saline sonogram, I don't remember what to expect. Time to consult my friend Google, perhaps. I never thought I would forget all of the details of IVF that I was such an expert on a couple of years ago!

No Miracles

No miracles happening here, people. 

We've been loosely "trying", actually staying very relaxed with the whole process shockingly! If it was gonna happen, I think it would have happened now because we really aren't thinking about it much. A natural pregnancy is seemingly not in the cards for us, so we're heading back to the RE in the end of June as we decided we would do.

In some ways I feel very calm about the whole situation because I know what to expect and I know from experience that we can have a successful FET. In other ways I am terrified. Mostly I am scared to reopen the emotional floodgates that tag along with fertility treatments, but also I am nervous that it won't work. I mean, duh, right? But I think more so because my only experience is that it does work, so I know that subconsciously I am expecting this one to work too. And the disappointment if it doesn't? Ugh.

Anyway, thought I keep y'all in the loop! 

In other news, my Sweet P is blossoming into such an amazing little toddler. I'm still not quite sure when that happened, but it did. It is wonderful and exhausting and challenging. I am just so glad she's mine.

That lip.

I mean...does it get cuter?

Don't mind the runny nose!

Aaaaannnnd, it's baaaacccckkkkk!

I was wondering how long this feeling would last. Wondering when I would return to the beginning and have the feelings. You know, those feelings. 

I've been in a perpetual state of bliss for going on two years now. Pregnancy and Piper's babyhood has really felt like heaven on earth and for a while I have felt like a normal human being. One that procreates, gets pregnant, has a baby, and gets to be happy for others. I have been genuinely thrilled to hear that one of my friends is pregnant and I haven't care that it was easy for them. I stopped looking at pregnant passerbys with envy, but instead looked at the belly with a sense of camaraderie. I greeted other newborns and Mamas with joy and sisterhood. Because I was there too, even if I didn't get there in traditional methods.

The creepy creeper called jealousy and that feeling of injustice is back. It's not yet making my life miserable, but it's here nonetheless.

At Thanksgiving two of my married friends with no kids and I were chatting about baby-making. One of them was very forthcoming and said that she and her husband were "trying", but it wasn't working. The other said that they would begin soon, but not quite yet. But she was VERY versed in baby-making lingo and alluded to talking with her OBGYN about conceiving, so I suspected otherwise.

This conversation was my first little preview of what was to come. I remember thinking, "These bitches will be pregnant by New Years. Damn it." Two of my very best friends. I logically do NOT want either of them to have infertility, I really, really don't. I want them to have babies the normal way. But I'm still jealous that I don't get to.

Yes, they're both pregnant now, and I'm actually quite happy about it! I have been able to be genuinely excited, and buy them gifts, and be involved with planning baby showers, and overall be very involved in a way that I never could have been pre-Piper. But I know that is fleeting. I catch myself with pangs of envy at a belly shot and feelings of annoyance when they talk about they're pregnancies incessantly. I LOVED being pregnant, and 6 months ago I would have happily chatted all day about the amazing process. So...why the change? 

I'm thinking a lot about what happens next for us. In an ideal world, I would love 2-3 kids. I would have planned for my children to be 2.5ish years apart. Piper is 13 months now, so I feel like we need to start thinking about next steps soon. Our original plan was no birth control when she was 6 months old. That didn't happen. I was extremely torn, but we decided we were not ready for a miracle spontaneous pregnancy when she was 6 months old. I sometimes wonder if we were stupid to not go for it right away, but my body and mind just didn't feel ready. 

I got my period when she was 11 months old and immediately started tracking my cycle, which has been pretty regular since, and we stopped using condoms. We are not officially trying, but I do consult my calendar often. Truth be told, between business travel for The Hubs and exhaustion, even if we were UBER fertile, I probably wouldn't be pregnant right now! Must fit in more sex...

So, sorry for the ramble. That's where I am. Slightly envious, maybe wanting to be pregnant again soon, not quite trying, not sure where to start. 

We're going to make an appointment with our RE for next month and come up with a plan, but I think we're going to tentatively plan for an FET this Summer and start actively trying to get pregnant next month. I'm scared to move forward because I know what this journey entails.  I am keenly aware that as soon as we start really trying, I will be obsessed. I am not looking forward to living in 2 weeks stints again. I know that once I go to the RE, I will be focused on that FET month and my lab results. I am so scared that things will not work out this time like they did last time. What if we don't get pregnant on the first FET? What if I do get pregnant but it's a chemical pregnancy or I miscarry? There are so many unknowns and so many hurdles. But this time I have a baby who I need to be present for, who I want to be present for.

Oh geez, too much future-thinking for one day. I'm stressing myself out!

1

Hi All. Anyone still there?

I have been diligently reading via iphone while pumping, which is not super conducive to commenting...so...that's that.

You guys, I have a one-year-old. ONE. How did that happen?! 

I feel like just yesterday I was in infertility hell. Just yesterday I was IUIing. IVFing. FETing. 

I cannot fathom that a year has passed since I was pregnant. One year since I gave birth and got to meet the sweetest gal ever.

It is both bitter and sweet watching my little miss grow up. I cling to her babyhood, but at the same time embrace every single new development because they are all more amazing than the last. 

Life is good.

And life is cray-cray.

The six months since I returned to work has been a wild ride. Piper is in daycare 3-5 days a week, depending on my work schedule. I never thought I would do this, but sometimes I drop her at daycare just so I can get something done! I love her to bits, but she wears. me. out. Like woah. She is constantly on the go and getting into everything, and just absorbing life and her surroundings. It's wonderful and exhausting.

In a nutshell: She is crawling all over the place, but not walking yet. She's eating pretty much everything under the sun and still breast feeding before bedtime and naps. Sleep is not her strong suit. She loves pointing, clapping, packing and unpacking, sharing her food with Mommy and Daddy (that's code for force-feeding us slobbery, partially eaten food). She's the cutest.

We celebrate the big O-N-E with a little party at our house with family and friends. Super fun and laid-back. 

Now for the photos!

Year One: that's a wrap.