Feeling Twingy

Ugh.

That's all I have to say.

Today I started feeling "twingy" as I call it. I get this feeling monthly, just before I start noticing brown-tinged cervical mucous, just before I start spotting, just before I know that I will be enduring at least one more cycle. It is immediately accompanied by extreme irritability that I don't associate with PMS as much as I do with extreme disappointment. 

I suppose it's not over 'til it's over, but it feels an awful lot like it usually feels when it doesn't work. I was really hoping I'd skate past this 9-10 day post-ovulation twinginess and make it to my day fourteen test and get a big, happy positive on our first IUI.

Wait...that's it?

IUI is done and The Hubby and I left the clinic yesterday thinking that it was all a bit anticlimactic. 

All of the preparation, monitoring and injections over the last fourteen days and then...five minutes of face time with the doctor and we were on our merry way. That's it? We could have just made a baby? 

We arrived at the clinic bright and early so Hubby could provide his sample and I could have my last lab draw. Because of the distance to the clinic, he had to use the collection room instead doing it at home which I think would have been better. If there's a next time, we might change that up a bit...don't you think they should let women into the collection room? Kinda weird, but I think I could help him get a pretty stellar sample ;)

We had a leisurely breakfast and headed back. I think because it was a Sunday and they are only open for half the day, the clinic was busy! When it was finally our turn...it felt like an eternity, we prepped ourselves in the room with a little pep talk to my ovaries and a breaking of a wishbone that we've been saving for this occasion. I got the big half (but I'm pretty sure we were wishing for the same thing!)

The doctor had to really maneuver to get the catheter through my cervix...hmm, does the sperm always have to work that hard? Maybe that explains something? 

And then it was done. 

And there is nothing more we can do this month. We gave it our all.

Crazy.

I go back in next week for an ultrasound and a progesterone check. I'm not quite sure what they expect to see on ultrasound, but they said they can confirm that I ovulated.Then beta the week after that. 

In the meantime, I am practicing positive thinking. I have struggled with this in the past because positive thinking means hope, and hope means disappointment if it doesn't work. 

So I am trying to find a balance and be realistically optimistic. I hope it works and I'm feeling good about it, but I also know that many times IUI doesn't work on the first try.

Has anyone else had leaking after the IUI? Google says it can be normal, but I thought the cervix closed up to keep all the good stuff in?

Pulling The Trigger

I had my third ultrasound of the week today...is that normal when on Menopur? I didn't know I would be making so many trips!

Good news all around: text book lining, good estradiol level, and three follicles ready and waiting to be triggered. So tonight Hubby will give me my HCG trigger shot and our IUI is scheduled for Sunday morning! Eek!

And maybe the best news is that I get to sleep in tomorrow. I have been feeling pretty run down with all of the running around from appointments to work almost every day.

Getting This Party Started!

I just got cleared to start my meds...holy cow.

I've been driving myself crazy waiting for this day, but I have to say, I'm a little bit more nervous than I thought I would be.

I was randomized to the Menopur group in the study which I have mixed feelings about. I have talked to a lot of people that are a fan and some that think it's too aggressive to start with...we're going with it. One cycle at a time. One injection at a time. If it ever stops feeling right, we'll stop.

I was most concerned about ovarian hyperstimulation, but the Doctors have reassured me that I will be monitored so frequently that they would catch it very early, before it was a problem. Speaking of the monitoring...wow. I am going to be spending A LOT of time at this RE Clinic! Good thing I have a good selection books on my to-read list! I am only left wishing that it wasn't a 45 minute drive there.

Overall I am feeling excited and lucky to have qualified for the study...I felt especially lucky when I picked up my $1200 worth of menopur today that I didn't have to write a check for :) 

I had a "moment" today during my ultrasound when the RE pointed out the good potential follicles. Not everyone gets to see the beginnings of their baby like we do...one of the perks of infertility? Maybe not quite, but it was kind of fun thinking that one or two of those could soon be growing in my belly into my baby.

Next step: injections!

Cycle Day 1

I thought I was going to be okay with cycle day one this month. I really did. 

Because day one means that I am one day closer to my IUI. 

But when I started spotting yesterday and had the tell-tale twingy, crampy feeling, I was not excited because it meant that our IUI was coming fast. I was not excited at all. I was shattered again, like I am every month. Because it didn't work, despite all our best efforts. 

I was hoping (even though I never would say it out loud) that we would be the story. The story of that couple that tried and tried, signed up for some insemination, and promptly got pregnant naturally the month before fertility treatments started. 

We are not that story. Boo.

The last few cycles I have stayed blissfully detached from the process in order to shelter myself from dissappointment, but this month for some reason my hope returned. Last week, my co-worker said she had a dream that I was pregnant. Then I had a dream that I was pregnant. I haven't had a pregnancy dream in a good six months. With all of that returned hope, the fall was harder.

Needless to say, Super Bowl Sunday was not so super for me. 

The Hubby insisted that we arrive at our friends' house four hours before game time so we could help get the food ready, etc. 

I dragged my feet and dragged my feet because I couldn't bear the thought of spending eight hours with my best friend and her pregnant belly, talking about nursery decorations and her growing bump. 

I also couldn't bear to tell The Hubby why I didn't want to get there early, because normally I would have jumped at the chance to spend a day with them. He doesn't do it intentionally, but simply because he is okay with spending time with them and is dealing with their pregnancy so much better than I am, he makes me feel guilty for feeling differently.

I had a talk with my friend last week about what she should/shouldn't say around me (she brought it up-clearly she senses something). I couldn't tell her the truth  (that I would rather not see her until after she delivers) because it's not really what I want. I don't know what I want. I suppose all I wish is that I could have could go back in time and get pregnant like a normal person so I wouldn't be in the envious state in the first place, but aside from that, I don't know if anything she does/says will make it easier for me. So I told her to talk to me like she didn't know I was infertile. Obviously she can't/won't do this because she does know, but I don't feel like she should have to tip toe around me.

I said this, but then she started talking about very normal things and I wanted to punch her.

Strike One: "I am sooo afraid my feet are going to grow and I won't be able to wear my normal shoes."

Ugh. That must really suck. Maybe I don't want to get pregnant after all...

Strike Two (in response to a "what are you drinking" question: "Iced tea. But what I wouldn't give to have a Bud Light." 

What I wouldn't give to NOT be able to drink!

Strike Three: "I have had a really hard time getting used to the weight gain. I feel so fat. I have spent my life trying not to get fat and now I feel like a cow. It's really hard. I've had to go home from work a couple times because I just feel like I look horrible." (tummy rub, tummy rub).

O.M.G. I almost died. As if I wasn't sick enough of looking at her cute belly. I don't think I will ever feel like this. I will embrace every single pound of that baby weight!

Sorry for that rant. 

I completely recognize that it has everything to do with me and very little to do with what she actually said. If the situation was reversed, I would also find it very hard to be in her shoes dealing with me and worrying about talking about my pregnancy.

Anyway, despite my gloomy, gloomy mood, I am very excited for this Friday when I will get my meds!