10-22-15

I have a calendar. 

And October 22nd is the projected day for the embryo transfer. 

I'm half freaking out and half not thinking about it at all. I just can't believe I'm here again. Wow. 

On another note, I feel like Pinterest is sending me a message. At least half of my suggested pins are baby boy related. Weird, right? I have not, to my knowledge, pinned anything to make Pinterest think I am interested in anything boy-related. I'm choosing to take it as a good omen for this cycle ;)

I'll be updating as the cycle progresses...

Back In the Game

The labs have been drawn, the consult is done, the birth control pills are ready for the taking, and tomorrow we head to the good ol' RE's office for a pre-FET saline sonogram. 

We are ready. But...are we ready?

It is such an intensely strange feeling this time around. Last time, I was chomping at the bit and anticipating every step, and I was SO, SO ready. We were dying to have a baby in our grips and could think of nothing else. This time we actually have to think a lot about if we're actually ready for this whole thing again.

We met with our RE in June and decided that we would think about an early September FET. My little lady is just now 18 months and he deemed 18 months as the earliest he would recommend for someone my age to elect to get pregnant through FET. We have a vacation at the end of this month, so as long as the saline sonogram shows a good uterus we will likely start the prep for an FET when we get back. But, gosh...it seems so soon! 

Despite feeling like adding another babe to our mix will be wild and crazy and being just a tad bit frightened about that, I am also getting so nervous that it's not going to work. I just don't feel up for that amount of heartache again. And last time I don't remember worrying so much about miscarriage, but this time around I am worrying about that too. 

Wish me luck tomorrow! It's been so long since my last saline sonogram, I don't remember what to expect. Time to consult my friend Google, perhaps. I never thought I would forget all of the details of IVF that I was such an expert on a couple of years ago!

No Miracles

No miracles happening here, people. 

We've been loosely "trying", actually staying very relaxed with the whole process shockingly! If it was gonna happen, I think it would have happened now because we really aren't thinking about it much. A natural pregnancy is seemingly not in the cards for us, so we're heading back to the RE in the end of June as we decided we would do.

In some ways I feel very calm about the whole situation because I know what to expect and I know from experience that we can have a successful FET. In other ways I am terrified. Mostly I am scared to reopen the emotional floodgates that tag along with fertility treatments, but also I am nervous that it won't work. I mean, duh, right? But I think more so because my only experience is that it does work, so I know that subconsciously I am expecting this one to work too. And the disappointment if it doesn't? Ugh.

Anyway, thought I keep y'all in the loop! 

In other news, my Sweet P is blossoming into such an amazing little toddler. I'm still not quite sure when that happened, but it did. It is wonderful and exhausting and challenging. I am just so glad she's mine.

That lip.

I mean...does it get cuter?

Don't mind the runny nose!

Aaaaannnnd, it's baaaacccckkkkk!

I was wondering how long this feeling would last. Wondering when I would return to the beginning and have the feelings. You know, those feelings. 

I've been in a perpetual state of bliss for going on two years now. Pregnancy and Piper's babyhood has really felt like heaven on earth and for a while I have felt like a normal human being. One that procreates, gets pregnant, has a baby, and gets to be happy for others. I have been genuinely thrilled to hear that one of my friends is pregnant and I haven't care that it was easy for them. I stopped looking at pregnant passerbys with envy, but instead looked at the belly with a sense of camaraderie. I greeted other newborns and Mamas with joy and sisterhood. Because I was there too, even if I didn't get there in traditional methods.

The creepy creeper called jealousy and that feeling of injustice is back. It's not yet making my life miserable, but it's here nonetheless.

At Thanksgiving two of my married friends with no kids and I were chatting about baby-making. One of them was very forthcoming and said that she and her husband were "trying", but it wasn't working. The other said that they would begin soon, but not quite yet. But she was VERY versed in baby-making lingo and alluded to talking with her OBGYN about conceiving, so I suspected otherwise.

This conversation was my first little preview of what was to come. I remember thinking, "These bitches will be pregnant by New Years. Damn it." Two of my very best friends. I logically do NOT want either of them to have infertility, I really, really don't. I want them to have babies the normal way. But I'm still jealous that I don't get to.

Yes, they're both pregnant now, and I'm actually quite happy about it! I have been able to be genuinely excited, and buy them gifts, and be involved with planning baby showers, and overall be very involved in a way that I never could have been pre-Piper. But I know that is fleeting. I catch myself with pangs of envy at a belly shot and feelings of annoyance when they talk about they're pregnancies incessantly. I LOVED being pregnant, and 6 months ago I would have happily chatted all day about the amazing process. So...why the change? 

I'm thinking a lot about what happens next for us. In an ideal world, I would love 2-3 kids. I would have planned for my children to be 2.5ish years apart. Piper is 13 months now, so I feel like we need to start thinking about next steps soon. Our original plan was no birth control when she was 6 months old. That didn't happen. I was extremely torn, but we decided we were not ready for a miracle spontaneous pregnancy when she was 6 months old. I sometimes wonder if we were stupid to not go for it right away, but my body and mind just didn't feel ready. 

I got my period when she was 11 months old and immediately started tracking my cycle, which has been pretty regular since, and we stopped using condoms. We are not officially trying, but I do consult my calendar often. Truth be told, between business travel for The Hubs and exhaustion, even if we were UBER fertile, I probably wouldn't be pregnant right now! Must fit in more sex...

So, sorry for the ramble. That's where I am. Slightly envious, maybe wanting to be pregnant again soon, not quite trying, not sure where to start. 

We're going to make an appointment with our RE for next month and come up with a plan, but I think we're going to tentatively plan for an FET this Summer and start actively trying to get pregnant next month. I'm scared to move forward because I know what this journey entails.  I am keenly aware that as soon as we start really trying, I will be obsessed. I am not looking forward to living in 2 weeks stints again. I know that once I go to the RE, I will be focused on that FET month and my lab results. I am so scared that things will not work out this time like they did last time. What if we don't get pregnant on the first FET? What if I do get pregnant but it's a chemical pregnancy or I miscarry? There are so many unknowns and so many hurdles. But this time I have a baby who I need to be present for, who I want to be present for.

Oh geez, too much future-thinking for one day. I'm stressing myself out!

1

Hi All. Anyone still there?

I have been diligently reading via iphone while pumping, which is not super conducive to commenting...so...that's that.

You guys, I have a one-year-old. ONE. How did that happen?! 

I feel like just yesterday I was in infertility hell. Just yesterday I was IUIing. IVFing. FETing. 

I cannot fathom that a year has passed since I was pregnant. One year since I gave birth and got to meet the sweetest gal ever.

It is both bitter and sweet watching my little miss grow up. I cling to her babyhood, but at the same time embrace every single new development because they are all more amazing than the last. 

Life is good.

And life is cray-cray.

The six months since I returned to work has been a wild ride. Piper is in daycare 3-5 days a week, depending on my work schedule. I never thought I would do this, but sometimes I drop her at daycare just so I can get something done! I love her to bits, but she wears. me. out. Like woah. She is constantly on the go and getting into everything, and just absorbing life and her surroundings. It's wonderful and exhausting.

In a nutshell: She is crawling all over the place, but not walking yet. She's eating pretty much everything under the sun and still breast feeding before bedtime and naps. Sleep is not her strong suit. She loves pointing, clapping, packing and unpacking, sharing her food with Mommy and Daddy (that's code for force-feeding us slobbery, partially eaten food). She's the cutest.

We celebrate the big O-N-E with a little party at our house with family and friends. Super fun and laid-back. 

Now for the photos!

Year One: that's a wrap.

Same Out As In

Hello there. 

I will not dwell on the "sorry for the radio silence, I'm really busy" talk, but I am apparently not a very good Mama Blogger. Partly because I just don't know what to talk about at the moment. Pregnancy happened (finally!), baby here (halleluyer!), maternity leave was amazing (6 months off: how can it not be superb!?) And now...we're just living. And I don't know what to talk about, so I'm choosing to not bore you all with my don't-know-what-to-talk-about-blabber.

Except I noticed that my babe is 35 weeks. That is over eight months old. She has been on this planet, breathing air for as long as I so joyfully grew her in my body. Holy wow. 

Since it's been a bit, I'm going to catch you all up in photos. 8 months of "monthly photos", peeps. Gear up.

2 Weeks

 

1 Month

2 Months

 

3 Months

4 Months

5 Months

6 Months

(These were done by a pro in honor of her 6 month birthday and our 5 year Anniversary!)

 

 7 Months

8 Months

35 Weeks In!

Had I known this would be the last bump shot, I would have taken a better one!

One of the very last pictures of her "in"!

35 Weeks Out!

This girl is pure joy and I'm so happy she is mine. Can't get over how lucky I am.