Bon Voyage 2011

I hate to say this, but I'm happy to see 2011 go. 

It's not that it's been a bad year, but it sure hasn't been my best. And it's probably been my worst. 

It started off seemingly well, The Hubby and I took an impromptu trip to Napa and rung in the New Year wine tasting, eating amazing food, and...having a lot of sex. Because 2011 was the year we were going to make a baby. 

I remember feeling so melancholy on January 1st for no apparent reason. I had a feeling of impending doom and I had no idea why. I was literally waiting for the "ball to fall" and find out that something terrible had happened because I had such a yucky, yucky feeling. I'm not joking when I say that I called many of my family and friends only to make sure that they had not been killed in a car accident or something. It was very strange and I had never had that feeling before nor have I had it since. 

Anyway, nothing tragic happened, but it coincidentally it was the start to my worst year ever and now I think I'm psychic ;)

Nothing dramatic happened to make this a bad year. In fact, the year was filled with many fantastic moments: we ventured to Thailand for one of my favorite trips ever, The Hubby and I both made some good career moves, we spent lots of good quality time with friends and family, loved on our cat and pooch a lot, and we celebrated two years of wedded bliss and eight years since we became a couple. From the outside, 2011 was like any other year. It was great. And it was great. Except for that one little thing that consumed many of my thoughts, caused some serious stress and tears, and challenged me like nothing ever has before. 

I thought I would be pregnant for much of 2011. 

I thought when I celebrated my 29th year, it would be with a baby.

I thought we would buy a new house to fill with our growing family.

I thought I would be celebrating this New Year with a cooing combination of The Hubby and I.

Nothing about 2011 was how I imagined it would be.

I have made it through the holidays, I have suffered through many, many pregnancy announcements- some harder than others, and I'm still here telling my woeful story. So as I ring in 2012, I am going to give thanks for all that I have (and give thanks that 2011 is over) and hope that this year is kinder.
In the new year, my resolution is to enjoy the life that I have and to not waste any of my time moping around wishing that infertility hadn't ruined my life.
All in all, my life rocks.
But seriously...bring on 2012 already!

Dear Santa

I haven't written a letter to Santa in a while. Okay, it's been a long while. But this year, I know what I want him to bring me. So here goes.

Dear Santa,

I made you some chocolate covered caramels with fleur de sel. I figured you might be sick of cookies. Sorry about the attack Golden Retriever that I'm sure made your entrance pretty difficult. She's always been scared of big men with hats. And not so fond of facial hair either.

Anyway, this year I've been more nice than naughty, I'm quite sure, and I know just what I would like from your big bag of good stuff. You might have to pull some strings with the stork (you have connections, right?) but I really don't think it's too much to ask you to fill my uterus instead of my stocking this Christmas. 

In all actuality, I think The Hubby will do most of the work for you, but if you could just work some Christmas magic and make this the year that my uterus is full (at least for nine months) we would be eternally grateful. We're not picky, a boy or girl will do. A boy and girl would be okay too. Or two boys...or two girls...you get the picture.

You see Santa, The Husband and I have been trying our hardest, doing all the right things, hoping and hoping for a bundle of joy. I think we should be close to the top of the Nice List by now. 

Have a safe flight!

Sincerely,

Emily (a.k.a. The Girl with the Empty Uterus)

Happy Holidays

This holiday I will be sharing with both my born family and my family by marriage.
I hate to even say this because I LOVE this time of year, but I'm kind of sort of dreading it. I can't wait to spend some quality time with everyone, but I feel like it is also going to be a challenging time for me.
My Sister-In-Law is twenty weeks pregnant and a bit of a drama queen. Everything, and I mean everything, is about her. And now her baby. And she got pregnant on accident. Really? How does that happen?!
Anyway, I'm sure there will be tears, but I hope not as many as Thanksgiving :)

We have also decided that this is the time to tell our parents about our pickle of a situation and our plans to proceed with fertility treatments in the new year.
I'm not quite sure how it's going to go, but I know that I'm both dreading the conversation and looking forward to it immensely.
I feel like I have been distracted and distant all year long because my mind is so preoccupied with baby-making that I think about it a lot, but since no one has known what's going on, I don't talk about it. And then I have nothing to talk about.

IUI, meds, and studies...oh my!

All right veterans, this post is for you. I need some advice and seeing as I'm the only infertile I know in my group of friends and family, I am turning to you.

Today we received the news that our insurance has agreed to let us see a reproductive Endocrinologist. Too bad they hardly pay for anything, but whatever. I'll recognize the positives where I can.

Then, because I think the universe likes to confuse me, we were contacted regarding an IUI study that we may qualify for. Low cost IUI=Awesome. But participating in the study would mean we would bypass anything other options the RE may have recommended prior to moving on with IUI.

So...

1. For a woman who ovulates pretty darn regularly with normal labs and a man who has a marginally low sperm count, is IUI usually the first step? Or would meds alone usually come first? I'm just trying to get an idea of what our course would be like if we didn't go straight to IUI.

2. This is a study that involves IUI with ovarian stimulation using either Clomid, Letrazole, or Gonadotropins. Any experience with any of these. It's a random trial, so I don't get to pick the drug I receive. 

3. Any other helpful thoughts? I'm currently making my way through (with my highlighter!) the 39 pages of consent...it's going to be a long night.

Thanks in advance!

Two Week Wait

This Two Week Wait moaning and groaning is not new to the infertility blogging world. I doubt if I have anything new to add to this topic. 

But I still have to say...it really sucks.

I remember when we first started trying, when we were still so filled with hope. 

The first month, when my period was "late" I was convinced that I was pregnant and took several (ok, more than several) pregnancy tests before I realized that my cycles were just really long.

The two week wait used to be filled with lots of pregnancy dreams. I used to calculate my due date and think about when and how we would tell our family and friends.

Now the two week wait involves a lot of feeling absolutely helpless and hopeless. There are no more pregnancy dreams. No more calculating of due dates, because I have been there and done that, and every time I am more disappointed than the last when my period starts and another cycle has come and gone.

But every single one of those fourteen or so days is filled with mind-consuming thoughts. I can hardly concentrate on anything else. I am utterly focused on how many days past ovulation I am and what possible symptoms I could be experiencing, but probably am not.

Did you know there are whole websites dedicated to finding things to do to pass these two weeks? Well, buying maternity clothes and picking out baby names may have worked for the first few cycles, but now doing anything related to babies is just downright depressing. Now, I try to do things (anything!) that keep my mind off babies and pregnancy (ha ha ha...right.)

The Big O

Best time of the month, hands down? When the fertility monitor  shows me the little picture of an egg indicating that my egg is ready and waiting. 

It's the fun part, the part that The Hubby and I have spent so many years perfecting. 

We are hopeful, thinking that maybe, just maybe, this will be the time. This will be our month. This will really be The Big O...the 'O' that counts. The 'O' that makes us parents.

Progressively, this part of the cycle has also required a lot more effort to help it continue to be fun. Because, as we all know, anything can lose its appeal when it's something you have to do.
And it takes some skills to keep the spontaneity alive while worrying about ideal positioning for conception, fertility-friendly lube, and making sure I have an empty bladder so I can give those sperm ample time to swim before gravity takes its tole!

For me, ovulation is a time of hope. It's the one part of my cycle that I actually feel like I have some control over my infertility. I feel a little less helpless; not quite as much at the mercy of biology because we're doing something. And we're doing a LOT of it.

What a pain in the Uterus!

I didn't think making babies would be so painful.
I'm not even talking about the emotional pain and stress of the process, because that's a whole different post.
I'm talking about the pokes, pricks, stirrups, cramping, et cetera that are, literally, a pain in the uterus.

Today I went in for a hysterosalpingogram (HSG), the last step before we will be referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. And then I'm sure the testing will resume.
I've had a ridiculous slew of lab draws in the last year, The Husband has become quite friendly with the plastic cup, and my lady parts have been examined from every possible angle. I have a pretty high tolerance to pain; I am no sissy when it comes to medical tests, but all of this poking and prodding doesn't feel good.
The Radiologist who performed the test today said, "Oh, you've already had a sonohysterogram, this should be a piece of cake." Hmm. That's not what I'd call it, Doc. Because I like cake. And I don't particularly like the feeling of having my uterus and fallopian tubes filled with contrast to the point that they feel like they're going to burst. To each his own, I guess :)

If there's an upside to all this testing, I think it might be that by the time I have my baby, the morning sickness, swollen feet, and backaches might not seem so bad!