Where is my money tree?

First off, let me just say, there are some exciting things happening in my world.

But holy moly are we hemorrhaging money.

It is practically spewing out of our savings account. Spewing.

We bought a house! You know the saying from Field of Dreams, "If you build it, they will come"? Yeah, we're banking on that. We may not technically have built it, but I'm still hoping they come! 

We will now have an actual bedroom for our future baby, so I am so excited about that, but it is also a very scary feeling to be suddenly so broke before even starting IVF!

Yesterday was supposed to be the day I had my uterine septum removed, but nothing goes as planned. Nothing. 

Friday afternoon I got a call from the RE. They had just gotten word from the insurance company who decided that a uterine septum removal is not indicated except for people with fertility issues. So the whole surgery will be paid for out of my less-than-bulging wallet. Super. 

This news came the day after our offer on the house was accepted, so I decided to postpone the surgery until October 1st so we could figure out how to pay for it. I am so, so disappointed, but I also don't think having an invasive procedure when extremely stressed is the best idea. 

We did entertain the option of not having the surgery, but facing a higher risk of miscarriage is not a risk we can take, no matter what it ends up costing us.

I just feel like we are never going to get there. Sigh.

I hate insurance companies.

Meanwhile, here I wait...on the pill. It's like an infertile's nightmare :)

But we just had a fantastic trip to Kauai!

We are buying a house that our family can grow into.

And I received a little package in the mail yesterday from Jules at The Road Less Traveled with the leftover meds from her IVF cycle! It made my week! 

So life could be worse :)

Easier Said Than Done

This Summer has been a whirlwind, to say the least. 

I am struggling to just get to work in addition to getting "life" done. Summer has always been my favorite time of the year, but this year I feel like I haven't been able to enjoy and kick back like I love to do. We are jetting off to Kauai tomorrow morning to celebrate my 30 years on earth and I am SO. EXCITED. More like...SOOOO EXCITED!!!
We struggled with what to do because clearly, as we get ready to pursue IVF, a vacation is not the most financially responsible option. But Hubby convinced me that I only get to turn 30 once and after much arm twisting, I agreed :)

I am hoping for some serious relaxation (oxymoron!) and to soak up some uninterrupted one-on-one time with my main squeeze. 

On the baby-making front, we are getting ramped up for IVF. 

I will have my hysteroscopic uterine septum removal sometime in mid-late September and then will have to be on estrogen for about one month to allow for healing.

In the meantime, the RE started me on synthroid for a borderline high TSH level. From what I have read, my level is considered normal, but in pregnancy it should be lower so starting now ensures that my level is stable before I grow a baby. So far so good there, haven't had any issues. 

If all goes on schedule, we should be making embryos before the New Year. 

The hardest part for me now is adjusting my mindset. I always assumed I would go into IVF still trying to get pregnant every cycle and maybe, just maybe we would luck out and get pregnant first. 

Now that is taken off the table. I will be on birth control until we start, so no matter how hard we try, we're not going to make a baby naturally.

I found this quote on a greeting card at the bookstore and now have it hanging on my fridge as a reminder:

Slow Down

Calm Down

Don't Worry

Don't Hurry

Trust the Process

Easier said than done, but a useful reminder nonetheless. 

P.S. The irony of my blog title is making me giggle...apparently my uterus is not as empty as I thought, just not occupied with what I wish it was! Septum out, baby in!

On the Pill

I went in for my IVF consult last week and ended up being prescribed birth control pills. And not for IVF prep either. 

I have had too many ultrasounds to count so I really didn't think much when the wand came out. 

Ovaries, check.

Follicles, yup!

Uterus, still there!

But then the Dr. pointed out a little white strip in the center and said, "we'll talk about that later".

Hmm. 

Once I was fully clothed and out of the stirrups, we met back in his office to discuss what we thought would be our future IVF course. Not quite.

Apparently I have a uterine septum. I have never heard of it, but it's been there my whole life. And causes lots of miscarriages. And needs to come out before IVF. 

After lots and lots of internet research, it does indeed seem like a good idea to take it out, but it doesn't make this any better. We are looking at postponing IVF until 2013 because of the surgery, recovery, and holiday season. 

Part of me is really sad about it and part of me is okay. I want a baby yesterday, not next year! At the same time, we're really busy through the Fall and have to buy a new house AND move in the next couple of months. 

I'm mostly sad because I feel like, again, my body has betrayed me. Nothing about this experience is going to go as I wanted it to, and for a control freak like me, that is really scary. 

I have so many mixed emotions right now. 

I'm even having thoughts that maybe all of this was a blessing in disguise, I think it would have been even harder to have been pregnant and miscarried multiple times like often happens with a uterine septum. And even though the doctor and most research doesn't suggest it, maybe this is what has been keeping me from getting pregnant in the first place?

I don't know, I just wish things were different.

What a Day

Yesterday was one of those days. 

The Hubs and I went to his company picnic and we both realized pretty quickly that it wasn't the best idea. Kids, kids kids and a party geared towards...you guessed it: kids! 

The kids were not the part that bothered me. There were adorable little munchkins having the time of their lives everywhere and it was fun just watching.

What bothered me was that everyone asked us when we were having kids and through out comments like, "Just enjoy this now, in a few years you'll be stuck at the bouncy house all day". 

Ugh. 

None of his coworkers have any idea what we've been going through for the last two years, but it was the last thing I wanted to talk about as I watched their little ones frolic around. 

Half way through the picnic The Hubby logged on to Facebook to check someone's name and the first thing he saw was a friend's posting "We are expecting! Ten weeks pregnant and due in February! Etc, etc, etc..." The non-jealous type that he is kindly said, "Wow, did you know A is pregnant? That's great for them." Pause. "Ten weeks...wow. Didn't they just get married in April? How exciting." 

It's almost worse to watch his sadness than it is to deal with my own. Especially when I see how hard he tries to be genuinely happy for other people.

This morning Hubs is off on a quick business trip and I can't shake this melancholy feeling. 

12 DPO, I'm sure PMS has a little something to do with it :)

But! IVF consult on Wednesday! Can't wait to start this next step!

A whole lotta' nothing

I have been quite quite on the blogging lately, mostly because nothing is happening. 

Sometimes I think something is happening, but then we're left where we started.

Of note: The husband was diagnosed with a varicocele. The jury is out on whether it is impacting our baby-making, but I think yes. Meanwhile, he had his best semen analysis to date, so who knows...no surgery for now and everyone agrees that IVF is our best bet.

Currently we wait for insurance authorization for the IVF consultation. I'm not quite sure why the process takes so long and they pay so little, but I guess anything they cover is better than nothing, right?!

I'm guessing we'll start sometime in the early Fall, so now I'm starting to think about how many embryos to transfer if we have the choice to do more than one. The RE I chose is big into single embryo transfer for someone of my age, but part of me thinks if the odds are better with two, why wouldn't we do that? But then the NICU nurse in me slaps myself. Talk about an internal dilemma!

I'm also looking into endometriosis. I don't necessarily have any symptoms but my last RE mentioned that an exploratory lap to rule it out might not be a bad idea. Seems a little invasive...

I might try some diet modifications and see what acupuncture can do for me, just in case.

Any thoughts?

Sensitive

Apparently I have a *delicate* system. Great.

Cycle day 16 and I've been spotting for 4 days. No ovulation? What?

I checked in with my RE who said my body is probably just trying to get itself back together after 4 cycles of Menopur and encouraged ovulation. "Some people's systems are just more sensitive than others."

She also suggested that I take a pregnancy test...just in case. Maybe my beta was too early and I'm having pregnancy spotting? No such luck.

Even though the Hubby and I decided to not "try" I was still secretly OPKing because I'm a control freak like that and was excited that I would ovulate before he left for his business trip. Hey, maybe the 19th month would be THE ONE!

This is my plan being thrown out the window. 

I think the universe is either telling me that it's time to give up this control thing. Or maybe it's telling me that I should spend an exorbitant amount of money on IVF.  Dunno.

A loss for words

It's been quite a while since I posted even though I've sat here several times to start and then...

nothing.

That's kind of how I feel right now: nothing to say, feeling...nothing.

This cycle was a big, fat bust. 

1 egg, 1 million post-wash sperm. Could have made 1 baby, but did not. 

Despite my desperate attempt at staying completely positive for our last IUI, when my RE came in with the sperm even SHE was disappointed and without much hope. 

So I changed from optimistic to realistic and hoped that like my RE said, "maybe this would all make for a really good story someday."

Now I start another cycle wondering what the future holds for us.

My Mom suggested waiting to pursue IVF for a while until we were a little less busy. At first the idea seemed all bad because after waiting all this time, I'm kind of ready to get this show on the road! But after thinking it over with my logical hat on :), I actually think that we actually might not have time to do IVF this Summer. As crazy as that sounds, I don't think I can pencil it into my calendar anywhere between the 3 weddings, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, the Hubby's business trip, and eating and sleeping. Good grief, it's going to be a busy few months!

So we wait.

Back to temperature checks and OPKs? Or maybe we really take a break and completely stop "trying"? Could I even do that? I might be a little too type A...

I see my RE on Wednesday and will discuss our options for the Summer and beyond. 

For now, I'm hoping that I can feel a little bit of something instead of lumping around like I have been. Maybe a little break will do me some good, bring back some of me.