I am having a hard time finding the time to write a substantial blog post. Partly because my Husband still does not know that this blog exists. I'm kind of torn on this matter. Part of me wants to include him in this part of me. We already have discussions about other bloggers' blogs and their journeys, but I am still feeling very private about the darkest of my days. I am in a much, much better place than I was one year ago, having surmounted many of the uglier stages of the grief process, but I'm still ashamed of how I felt and acted.
My husband lived my grief journey (and had one of his own as well) so he knows that I was jealous. He knows that I was sad. But does he know the depth of that darkness? Does he know that I wished a miscarriage on my best friend? No. Am I ready for him to know? I don't think so. Will I ever be ready? Maybe not.
Part of why I started blogging here was so that I could share my thoughts, grief, and my journey somewhat anonymously. I needed a forum to release the thoughts that were too hard to share with people in my "real" life. And maybe this blog will always remain just that. A place to share and grow with people who understand. Maybe when I do become a Mom, this blog will be sealed up forever, never to be shared with anyone in my day-to-day life. When my uterus is no longer empty. We'll see.
On a different note, I am on day 3 of Lupron injections. I have been anticipating this milestone for what feels like forever now, but I felt like it kind of snuck up on me! On Monday night I opened the boxes and felt utterly unprepared to press GO and start!
My Husband has been giving the injections even though I am no stranger to giving them to myself, because I want him to be as involved as he can be. I have felt lately that he is so detached from the process. I practically have the calendar memorized and he still asks, "Wait, what week do you think I need to be available for the egg retrieval?"Ay ay ay. Having him give me the injections is a daily reminder that, yes, we are in this together. We may not be creating a baby using conventional methods, but it should still involve both of us :) I think as the medications increase and the appointments increase he will feel more a part of the process.
The Lupron is such a tiny amount that I don't even feel the injection and only have mild itching at the injection site right afterwards. So far I have had no side effects that I am aware of, knock on wood! I never had any side effects from my IUI medications, so I'm hoping that I have an easy time with these too. I have hardly had any contact with my RE office so it's hard to believe that this is actually beginning. Next Wednesday is my baseline ultrasound and lab draw and then stims maybe to start next Friday. I'll keep you all posted!
Have a great rest of the week!
