Getting real.

This is all getting very real. And terrifying and exciting and kind of sad.

The Hubs and I went in to the good ol' RE office to sign IVF consents. The constant speak of death in those things is kind of bonkers. One more mention of dying in there and I would have thought we were consenting to being thrown off of a cliff. Terrifying.

The consenting process was really quick since we had already read through everything and made a list of questions. Then came the schedule and a quick rundown of our planned schedule! 

Holy Moly! In approximately 9 days I will get my period and start birth control pills, signalling the beginning of the protocol and the end of life as we know it. For the first time since our IUIs, I feel like there's a chance I could get pregnant sometime in the near future. That's a little thing called hope creeping in, people. 

 Exciting!

This week it also dawned on me: I might have just had my very last natural ovulation (on Sunday, I think) and if that egg doesn't find a super awesome sperm this month, we're really starting this. I don't know why this is so sad to me. I feel like after over 2 years of so many things leading to this place, my mind would have adjusted and I wouldn't be so darn sad about moving on. But I am. I think it all stems from the fact that through all of these failed cycles, I still hoped beyond hope that it would work. I still hope that THIS month is going to be it and we'll scrap the whole IVF thing and be one of those couples that gets pregnant right before starting IVF. And I'm sad because the logical side of me knows that the odds of that happening are more than stacked against us. 

This is really happening...pinch!

Stick It To Me

I attended the IVF injection class last week and am feeling quite ready to start, but (thank God) we're waiting for insurance authorization, so will wait until next cycle. 

The Hubby and I attended an injection class previously for our IUI cycles, but since it was at a different clinic we had to repeat the class. I went in feeling like it would be a bit of a waste of time since I had already been giving injections to myself and because I am a Nurse, but I am so happy they made me go.

Whenever I am in a room full of other infertiles, people who have tried everything under the sun to make a baby, I remember that there is simply nothing I could have done differently to prevent this. 

I have always prided myself on being a pretty healthy person. I eat well, exercise regularly, and take good care of my body is general. I thought I had good genes. 

And then I couldn't make a baby.

And that made me feel like my body was not the glorious, healthy thing that I had always thought it to be. I dove in head first to alternative therapies; I pretty much stopped doing anything that would potentially screw up my body chemistry. But it didn't work. 

For some reason, sitting in a room of such diverse people, but also people who look just like me, makes me feel a little bit better. It has nothing to do with how healthy or unhealthy I am. For some reason, my body isn't making a baby the natural way. But neither are all of these people's bodies. They look healthy, vibrant, smart, and and frankly...like people with good baby-making skills. And they don't have a baby either. 

The Hubby couldn't attend the class, so I flew solo, but took impeccable notes so I can be sure that he shoots me up the right way! 

I learned a lot about the different meds I will be on, the side effects, and for how long I will be taking each. Most of the information was not new, but hearing it again really made it sink in. We are doing this...and it is not going to be easy. I have read so many bloggers' journeys, but never really thought about how big a deal this is. Yes I've injected myself with some meds, but never so many! And those progesterone shots? For up to twelve weeks?! Wowzers! 

I'm planning on taking some time off work for the cycle because I have so much sick time and feel like being work free for a week or two will do me good in more ways than one. I haven't quite figured out the timing of my time off. Any suggestions from those of you that have done this? When would be the best time to be off? Will it drive me crazy not working in the 2 week wait? 

Then the logistics of potentially giving myself progesterone shots in the butt...has anyone done this? There is a very good chance My Hubs will be out of the country on business for 2 of the weeks after the transfer and I'm not looking forward to it at all! Maybe I'll recruit a coworker to jab me in the ass. 

Overall, I'm both terrified and so excited that we will be moving forward very, very soon! If all goes well with insurance, hopefully in just under 4 weeks :)

Any other advice? Diet modifications? Circle and Bloom CDs? What worked for you? What didn't?

My thanks are late

This Thanksgiving season left me feeling very thankful. 

And no, I'm not pregnant. 

This has been a very big year for us including many "woe is me" moments, many heart-to-hearts with the Hubby, many medications and procedures, and many, many tears. More than once I have asked myself "why me?" and I have grappled with making sense of this. 

I have always struggled with the "Everything happens for a reason" mantra, but in the past I still used the phrase a lot to explain things that happened. Maybe it made me feel better. Maybe I just said it to say something when things weren't going my way. But the thing is, things did go my way 99% of the time. I was one of those lucky ones that things just seemed to work out for. I had a plan for my life and my life followed suit.

Then infertility rocked my world.

But because everything in my past pointed to it,  I still thought that everything would work out...it would just take a little time, right? It has not taken a little time. And as of yet, it has not all worked out the way I planned. 

A fellow blogger posted her thoughts on "Everything happens for a reason" and it rang so, so true. 

Everything happens. It just does.

And it sure does. It's happening, and I'm just along for the ride. 

Maybe there is no good reason that all of this is happening to two nice people. 

Maybe it's not meant to teach us some grand life lesson. 

Maybe it's just the way the cookie is going to crumble. 

But the thing is, it has taught me quite a bit. It's taught me many lessons that I would have been okay not ever learning, but here I am, learning the lessons anyway because I have no choice.

One year ago was what I consider one of my lowest points. 

The day after Thanksgiving last year I was filled with jealousy and rage and sadness, and not a trace of thankfulness survived past that turkey dinner.

This Thanksgiving I spent a lot of time thinking about the previous year's Thanksgiving and marveling that despite the unfortunate fact that nothing much has changed, my uterus is still quite empty, I am in a completely different place than I was just one year ago. I have grown, I have survived. And that makes me thankful.

I also did not get my period on Thanksgiving, and that made me thankful!

Incidentally, I started spotting the next day...oh well.

I don't know where this journey is leading me and I know there will be many more rough days, but while I am not thankful for the situation, I am thankful for the growth and the lessons learned. I will come out of this a stronger and more resilient person...if not slightly jaded :)

Nothing and Everything is Happening

So, so much has happened in my life in the last month or two. So much. We sold our condo, bought a new (old) house, and moved. I do not recommend moving to anyone. I had forgotten how much work it is! Glad to be done with that!

Despite the busyness, nothing is happening in my uterus quite yet.

Now that the septum is out and I'm primed for baby-making, I am pretty ready to get this show on the road! We decided to wait until January to start IVF even though I am chomping at the bit. There are several reasons that all make perfect sense, so now we wait. 

I am not one to be easily stressed and usually am quite a calm person, but the house sale and buying process had me beyond stressed and completely emotionally and physically exhausted. Not conducive to starting IVF and stressing my body even more.

Additionally, after looking into my Husband's insurance plans, it looks like there might be a slight chance that some of the IVF and/or the medications will be covered after I am added to his plan in January. I wish that they could guarantee coverage of some sort, but no details can be disclosed until I'm on the plan and they can review our charts. Humph. So we're sucking up the high insurance premiums to add me to his plan and hoping that it all pays off. Any coverage is better than the zero infertility coverage of my plan, so feeling very blessed to have it! So January it is. 

And...let's not forget that I am hoping beyond hope that now that this uterine septum business is cleared up that we will naturally conceive. Ha. 

I know it is such a long shot, but hope is a powerful, powerful thing. It creeps in there when you least expect it and really makes itself at home. 

I just wish I could stop this symptom-spotting stuff---it's driving. Me. Crazy! 

I am not tracking my ovulation or temping, but I did pay pretty close attention to my cervical mucus which points to ovulation early on day 12 or so. Then a few days later I had a one time spot with wiping. If the dates weren't so wonky I would be convinced that it was implantation bleeding. Since then I have been a whack job. When it comes down to it, I have absolutely no symptoms...but it sure doesn't stop me from searching for them! Ay!

One more cycle and we'll be starting the prep! I'm cautiously excited, ready to start but nervous at the same time. It has been almost exactly one year since we enrolled in the IUI study and since I've had this much excitement and hope. 13 has always been my lucky number, so lucky 2013 it is!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Now my uterus if extra empty

That's right folks, my uterus is approximately 40% emptier. 

Septum out to make way for baby to go in!

The surgery was Monday and rather uneventful, but maybe a tad bit more uncomfortable than I imagined and the recovery more of a recovery that I anticipated. Even though it is very minor surgery, my body was pretty exhausted and definitely required me to lay low for the rest of the week.

When I arrived at the surgery center, the first line of business was sedation and pain control. I popped a couple valium and some narcotics and the nurse worked on getting my IV in. It was my first IV on this end as I've started many but never had one myself! Despite the big, whopping veins that I have (or at least compared to the veins on the babies I start IVs on!) it took two tries. No big deal for me, but the Hubby's face was priceless watching her dig around. 

Then it was in to the surgery suite. My RE was the surgeon and I felt like I got to know him a little better and definitely feel he will be a good fit for us in our IVF journey. After he stepped out the two nurses also raved about him, his "bedside manner", and said that they recommend him to their friends out of all the doctors at the clinic. 

For the most part, the surgery itself was not uncomfortable. There was definitely quite a bit of pressure and cramping when they first filled my uterus with fluid, but any time I felt any discomfort the nurses gave me more medicine. The feeling of cramping pressure brought back memories of the HSG and sonohysterogram...yuck. 

I think I have a delayed response to sedation because I was awfully aware of everything that was going on the whole time! It was kind of fun (maybe not the right word?) to be able to watch it all happen on the big screen next to me!  I watched the fibrous tissue get cut away to reveal a big, well-perfused uterus! 

Based on my last ultrasound he had estimated that the septum was taking up about 25% of my uterus, but after getting in there he said it was more like 40%. I'm so happy to have that out of there! 

When I got home I immediately fell asleep...the sedation finally kicked in!

But then the Hubs and I had to make our way around the city in search of a pharmacy that had estradiol. Apparently there is a national shortage. Great. Luckily I had a few days supply passed on to me from a fellow blogger Jules :) Phew!

I was back at work the next day, but in hind site I probably should have taken a day to just relax because by the end of the day I was bleeding a lot and it felt like my uterus was going to fall out.

I took note and have taken it very easy for the rest of the week. 

 Follow up appointment is in another week, uterine healing for 30 days and then we should be on our way to getting this empty uterus filled with baby.

Thank you for all the well wishes and support. Very few people in my everyday life know anything of what is happening in our life, so reading your comments and reading along on your journeys has made this all a little bit easier.

Where is my money tree?

First off, let me just say, there are some exciting things happening in my world.

But holy moly are we hemorrhaging money.

It is practically spewing out of our savings account. Spewing.

We bought a house! You know the saying from Field of Dreams, "If you build it, they will come"? Yeah, we're banking on that. We may not technically have built it, but I'm still hoping they come! 

We will now have an actual bedroom for our future baby, so I am so excited about that, but it is also a very scary feeling to be suddenly so broke before even starting IVF!

Yesterday was supposed to be the day I had my uterine septum removed, but nothing goes as planned. Nothing. 

Friday afternoon I got a call from the RE. They had just gotten word from the insurance company who decided that a uterine septum removal is not indicated except for people with fertility issues. So the whole surgery will be paid for out of my less-than-bulging wallet. Super. 

This news came the day after our offer on the house was accepted, so I decided to postpone the surgery until October 1st so we could figure out how to pay for it. I am so, so disappointed, but I also don't think having an invasive procedure when extremely stressed is the best idea. 

We did entertain the option of not having the surgery, but facing a higher risk of miscarriage is not a risk we can take, no matter what it ends up costing us.

I just feel like we are never going to get there. Sigh.

I hate insurance companies.

Meanwhile, here I wait...on the pill. It's like an infertile's nightmare :)

But we just had a fantastic trip to Kauai!

We are buying a house that our family can grow into.

And I received a little package in the mail yesterday from Jules at The Road Less Traveled with the leftover meds from her IVF cycle! It made my week! 

So life could be worse :)