Easier Said Than Done

This Summer has been a whirlwind, to say the least. 

I am struggling to just get to work in addition to getting "life" done. Summer has always been my favorite time of the year, but this year I feel like I haven't been able to enjoy and kick back like I love to do. We are jetting off to Kauai tomorrow morning to celebrate my 30 years on earth and I am SO. EXCITED. More like...SOOOO EXCITED!!!
We struggled with what to do because clearly, as we get ready to pursue IVF, a vacation is not the most financially responsible option. But Hubby convinced me that I only get to turn 30 once and after much arm twisting, I agreed :)

I am hoping for some serious relaxation (oxymoron!) and to soak up some uninterrupted one-on-one time with my main squeeze. 

On the baby-making front, we are getting ramped up for IVF. 

I will have my hysteroscopic uterine septum removal sometime in mid-late September and then will have to be on estrogen for about one month to allow for healing.

In the meantime, the RE started me on synthroid for a borderline high TSH level. From what I have read, my level is considered normal, but in pregnancy it should be lower so starting now ensures that my level is stable before I grow a baby. So far so good there, haven't had any issues. 

If all goes on schedule, we should be making embryos before the New Year. 

The hardest part for me now is adjusting my mindset. I always assumed I would go into IVF still trying to get pregnant every cycle and maybe, just maybe we would luck out and get pregnant first. 

Now that is taken off the table. I will be on birth control until we start, so no matter how hard we try, we're not going to make a baby naturally.

I found this quote on a greeting card at the bookstore and now have it hanging on my fridge as a reminder:

Slow Down

Calm Down

Don't Worry

Don't Hurry

Trust the Process

Easier said than done, but a useful reminder nonetheless. 

P.S. The irony of my blog title is making me giggle...apparently my uterus is not as empty as I thought, just not occupied with what I wish it was! Septum out, baby in!

On the Pill

I went in for my IVF consult last week and ended up being prescribed birth control pills. And not for IVF prep either. 

I have had too many ultrasounds to count so I really didn't think much when the wand came out. 

Ovaries, check.

Follicles, yup!

Uterus, still there!

But then the Dr. pointed out a little white strip in the center and said, "we'll talk about that later".

Hmm. 

Once I was fully clothed and out of the stirrups, we met back in his office to discuss what we thought would be our future IVF course. Not quite.

Apparently I have a uterine septum. I have never heard of it, but it's been there my whole life. And causes lots of miscarriages. And needs to come out before IVF. 

After lots and lots of internet research, it does indeed seem like a good idea to take it out, but it doesn't make this any better. We are looking at postponing IVF until 2013 because of the surgery, recovery, and holiday season. 

Part of me is really sad about it and part of me is okay. I want a baby yesterday, not next year! At the same time, we're really busy through the Fall and have to buy a new house AND move in the next couple of months. 

I'm mostly sad because I feel like, again, my body has betrayed me. Nothing about this experience is going to go as I wanted it to, and for a control freak like me, that is really scary. 

I have so many mixed emotions right now. 

I'm even having thoughts that maybe all of this was a blessing in disguise, I think it would have been even harder to have been pregnant and miscarried multiple times like often happens with a uterine septum. And even though the doctor and most research doesn't suggest it, maybe this is what has been keeping me from getting pregnant in the first place?

I don't know, I just wish things were different.